things are starting to come to a head with H. his family members are freaking out b/c D-day is coming close and he's not budging. i know family makes things worse but at this point, i can't control anyone. SIL spoke to him yesterday and was shocked since this was the first time she really talked to him. he just wouldn't budge...said his mind was set. everyone is clueless as to why he is behaving like this (giving no "good" reason for D), and really i don't blame them. i'm still trying to grapple with everything 1 year later.
so, i go back and forth. my panic has subsided but i still can't believe it. there is a part of me that is ready to move on...willing to trust that God has got good things in store. then there's the other side that is worried about H. sad to see the self-destruction. and of course worried for me and my well-being too.
and while i'm so ready for all the pain to be over...i'm really just in the beginning. if we get the D, then there will be all the fall out of that. and if we don't get D, it's not like H is all warm and fuzzy.
just talking out loud....sorry if it came out all garbled...
Here's another fridge posting for you. I have had it for many years, and had it made into a fridge magnet to remind me, even on my worst days . . . . .
" I would rather be alone the rest of my life than be with someone who makes me feel less than special"
Words to live by.
And the D? Its just a day, a piece of paper. A legality. He left without a piece of paper. He first came without a piece of paper. Tear off a piece of Charmin and you'll have the same thing. It's what's in people's MINDS that matter. If he wants to come back, and you still want that, no piece of paper will stand in your way.
I'm far from being as secure as I might sound at this moment. There are times I just fold up and cry, but those days are becoming farther and farther apart. I realize I'm having to "SQUEEZE" out the tears. Yes I'm sad, and lonely at times. Just know that if he pushes the D, he's the one that might wake up the next morning and feel the world has disappeared beneath his feet.
Remember that you are the one that loosed "hope" into the world, or kept it locked up (ostensibly for yourself? ), depending on which story you prefer.
It is just a piece of paper and Punkin is right, he didn't come with one (even though instructions would have been nice, eh?).
Sweetie, trust me when I tell you that the legality of a D (while I'm sure feels like the end of the world), vs an emotional D, is just paper. Does that mean I will be tickled pink when I am served? No. It just means I have gotten where I am by recognizing that my H is gone and no piece of paper one way or the other will change that.
Either way, you will find you way out of this seemingly endless maze and when you do, you will find this amazing woman that is you.
I am so sorry that you are going thru this - I really am. The fear will subside over time. Several have commented about how you look at things. This is so true. Control and Fear are some pretty nasty demons to face. They really are. You must and can face them though.
Your H fell in love with you and married you. Your H felt that he had someone special. Your H though...did not create you. He did not make you the special person that he fell in love with. No..he did not. DO you know who did? YOU DID!
You can do it again! First though you must go thru this...you must allow it to change you...you must learn from it. You must stand up and accept that YOU WILL NOT BE DEFINED by someone else.
You hurt, your scared, your frustrated, your tired...REST and HEAL. Feel this pain and then take the biggest step you will ever take. AND THAT IS FORWARD FOR YOU!
Whatever happens in your M remember this....YOU MATTER! Ya really do.
In this darkness...you will find your meaning. You will realize WHY....you will realize so many things. The biggest being....that you are totally special.
God Bless you Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Pandora, Just doing some late night reading of your sitch. I'm so sorry you are struggling. I can completely relate to the fear. The funny thing is that all of us have temporary fragile lives - it's just at different points in time it's easier to pretend that we don't. Right now none of us on this board are able to pretend - and that is so scary and yet of course such an opportunity. So hard to keep the latter perspective. Just wanted to let you know that I'm sitting here in the boat next to you and that if nothing else - there is strength in numbers.
Hugs to you! A
M - 46 H - 47 T - 20 yrs M - 19 yrs DS 7yrs DS 6yrs DD 4 yrs Bomb - 4/3/10 My Sitch
), depending on which story you prefer.