oops, I can't believe how omitting ONE word can change the whole meaning of something! I meant to say that your FIL can have screwed up when he was young but today IS remorseful and kind!Sorry, about that!
I do think that your FIL could at least write your WH a letter expressing all of his regrets. Maybe his letter would say something about how if WH abandons his daughter, he will live an unhappy life like him. I guess you wouldn't know what he says to your WH though!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I don't know what kind of relationship your WH and FIL have - my guess is strained or nearly non-existant - but at the VERY least, FIL might be able to penetrate WH's thoughts having "been there, done that" and now seeing it 40 years later from the other side.
"Do you want your precious baby girl to grow up hating YOU as much as you hated ME because I left?"
I don't know what kind of relationship your WH and FIL have - my guess is strained or nearly non-existant - but at the VERY least, FIL might be able to penetrate WH's thoughts having "been there, done that" and now seeing it 40 years later from the other side.
"Do you want your precious baby girl to grow up hating YOU as much as you hated ME because I left?"
Totally Agree...
this could be a huge trigger of emotions for your WH. It would a moment where your WH would feel like he was looking into a mirror image of himself in years to come!
Piano, many many congratulations for your daughter! She must be almost a month old now!
It's great to see your goals and that you are advancing towards a stronger you! It's such a difficult process, but you are moving in the right direction.
On your previous thread you were mentioning that you are puzzled that compared to other spouses yours has never said mean things. Neither has mine. He never says anything openly angry or any bad words. It makes it so much more difficult for me to be angry with him. Mine is in MLC (by his own admission, and by my assesment as well). Do you think the same about your H?
I'm not sure if you posted the details of the separation agreement with your H (maybe I haven't read carefully). You mentioned on my thread that he also did not think he would have to give you money. How did that go? Did you hire a lawyer?
I agree with newmama, seeing red and babydoll that a letter from the FIL to H might have some impact. Maybe you could tactfully suggest it?
Hey thanks everyone for stopping by! WH never 'pathologised' his father's absence. He never said his life would have been better if FIL was around. I think that was a way of surviving and not assuming a victim role. In some respects this could be considered great, and for a long time I did. But what I am fully aware of now more than ever is that WH was running from his past, afraid to process it, afriad to stop and find out that the absence was something he needed to deal with. It would be a lot for me to assume that FIL is miserable today because of his actions 40 years ago. Yes, I hope he and WH can communicate about all this, but I'm not going to ask him to. I think it is assumed, anyway... I kinda reckon part of dropping the rope for me is not trying to control things anymore, and let the natural consequences take over...My WH would spot it if I tried to force things & would therefore not work in my favour.
Mine is in MLC (by his own admission, and by my assesment as well). Do you think the same about your H?
I'm not sure if you posted the details of the separation agreement with your H (maybe I haven't read carefully). You mentioned on my thread that he also did not think he would have to give you money. How did that go? Did you hire a lawyer?
Thanks FLC for the well wishes, baby is doing great. She is all smiles and grins this week!
My WH has "seen the light" and is going through a "personal revolution" and is no longer "living his life to please others but is going to do what makes him happy". So, no. No admission of MLC. I think he's had a sort of nervous breakdown, a whatever. When I go to the MLC threads here, I don't recognise my WH.
He had an affair 4 weeks after finding out we were pregnant. I think he is running from responsibility and taking the next step and being a father. He doesn't know how to be happy and be a husband to me anymore, and a father, in the midst of another international move away from his country and good employment etc etc. So, no I don't think it's classic MLC as such.
We don't have a seperation agreement. We both have L's but only to know our basic rights. I am not keen on Ls. He says he is committed to supporting the child once he finds stable work.
I think he's had a sort of nervous breakdown, a whatever. When I go to the MLC threads here, I don't recognise my WH.
interesting- to me a nervous breakdown IS a crisis! And your H will live to be about 80? at least? And he is 40 now? hmm...MID life?
But seriously, Piano, I want to know why you don't think it is an MLC! I don't think THEY will admit it if it is.
And I read the article link "Why Men Fall out of Love" and quoted a brief paragraph that referred to them fulfilling unresolved issues.
And this jumped out at me,too!! Does it make sense for your H?:
Quote:
The truth is that a man who does not understand or feel comfortable with himself, was never nurtured as a child, never learned to trust and value his emotions, or never acquired socialization skills, especially conflict resolution, will almost inevitably wilt under the responsibility of a relationship or a family
.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
ok nm, going over to your thread to read those posts! the reason i don't think he is MLC is that he is not acting confused or trying to cake eat in the way many MLCers seem to do for years on end.... he has been clear from almost word Go about his A and his leaving me. i dont know, maybe I am just confused about what MLC is. NM do you know a thread over there I could compare my sitch with?
Originally Posted By: newmamaAnd this jumped out at me,too!! Does it make sense for your H?: [quote
The truth is that a man who does not understand or feel comfortable with himself, was never nurtured as a child, never learned to trust and value his emotions, or never acquired socialization skills, especially conflict resolution, will almost inevitably wilt under the responsibility of a relationship or a family
. Yes, except for socialization skills and conflict resolution.. He is highly social (life of party, adored by friends, so many friends) and has amazing conflict res skills (at work anyway - he is a manager/director).
