Still trying to find my way

[Vulcanized]

Been thinking about a topic of conversation in NewMama's thread, it was about how some people are able to let go and move on while others aren't. I'm one who isn't able to.

Been thinking about why I'm not able to. I think it's mainly because I still love H desperately, I still believe with all my heart that he will come home, that our marriage can be saved. I miss H, I miss the companionship and the friendship we had. I long for him to just hold me and make me feel comforted like he used to do. I fight myself constantly to not contact him, to let him be the one to contact me.

M, I understand, I really do. I love my H, and do believe that our M can be reconciled. However, I desperately love me more than H. Once I decided to make that my reality, it got much easier for me.

With the exception of ones children, I think it's incredibly unhealthy to love anyone else more than yourself. When I loved H more than me, I let him trample most of my boundaries, dictate how I felt about myself, even question my own judgement. The disturbing thing is, I let H dictate my reality for as long as I did, and looking at H now, H seems pretty mentally unbalanced, I just don't think I noticed it before. Now it is just much more pronounced.

I'm definitely a nurterer by nature. When I was growing up I wanted to get married and have kids and stay home with them like my mom did. I wanted to take care of my husband the way my mom took care of hers. When H and I were married I didn't mind washing the laundry, doing the cooking. It was the folding of laundry and cleaning that I didn't care for. I would get frustrated with H for not lifting a finger while I took care of DS and tried to keep up with the house but for the most part wasn't looking for him to do the housework. Just help neaten things up before bed. I'm also one who's content to be dominated. I'm content to let H make decisions about what's for dinner, where we're going on vacation, etc. I miss that, having someone tell me what I should do.

Perhaps this is something you should explore in IC. You are a grown woman, w/DS to care for. You aren't a child, as such, you need to stand on your own and makes decisions for yourself. The need to be dominated indicates a desire to not take personal responsibility. As in, if things don't work out the way you anticipated, then it isn't your fault, b/c you are just following orders. The fact that you felt frustrated to me seems to be some part of yourself striving for independence or control of your own life. Does that make sense?

Try to do some reading on the dynamics of Dom/Sub relationships. I've been in both, and in the S role, one reverts to an almost 'childlike' state. I'm sure I'm not articulating this very well; sorry.

Been thinking about my personality and DB efforts. I'm a very passive person, content to let others make the decisions or take action while I just sit back and hide my head in the sand. I am terrified of fights, will bend over backwards to keep people happy so I avoid arguments. Not sure if I should do a 180 and tell H I'm ready to talk, instead of my normal action which is to avoid confrontations. But I know that I'll be very emotional during the talk, which is bad. And I'm wondering if I should stick with the thought that no news is good news, if H really wanted the talk he would have found a way to have it by now, you know? As for interactions with H, I wonder if he's so distant because I've been so distant. Or is he distant because it's easier for him to detach? Or is he feeling guilty, that's why he's being so distant? Unfortunately for me, the distance has not helped me with detaching.

I can relate to this. I tried desperately to avoid conflict w/H. I buried my head in the sand, hoping the problems that led up to H's A would disappear or somehow magically fix themselves. From Jan - Sep last year, I was incredibly unhappy w/H & M. Seriously was thinking of D'ing H. But, instead of trying to resolve this is any way, I just ignored it outwardly, and fumed inwardly. In the interim, H started A.

One of my 180's was to actually try to resolve conflicts w/H. Obviously, doesn't work w/OW in the picture. But, I'm using that skill in every other area of my life.

What exactly do you want to talk to your H about? You know that talking about your M, OW, OW's pg or D is not going to go well, and will only hurt you more. I think your position of strength should be to let your H approach you. I think your H knows that you are waiting for OW to not work out/end. I think your sitch would start to turn around if H knew that this wasn't the case.

As for H's detachment, it could be any of those things. Or a million other. You just won't know. My H's MO for the last 4 mos or so is pretty much dead silence. There was a time when I thought H was just completely done. Recently, H has been incredibly angry, and vocal about it. That seems to indicate that H isn't done. For the most part, I don't think about it. I won't know, and stewing does no good.

I know it's incredibly hard to detach when you are mired in the sitch. But it's even harder to stay that way. You really do have to walk your path for you and DS. The crappy reality is that your H is w/pg OW. All you can do is decide how much of your energy you are willing to invest in that. Ultimately, H & OW don't make you feel bad, you give them that power by focusing on them and not you and DS.

I'm not trying to be harsh. You seem to really be floundering; I'm trying to show you the things that got me from where you are now to where I am now. It's a lot less painful once you make the decision to let go.

(((M)))