Still trying to find my way

[Mystik]

TimeHeals, the problem is that I don't even know how to get back up. Yeah, people say to get up, get a life, do things with DS. Well, those things are easier said than done. I do things with DS, but there's not much to do that DS would be interested in doing in our area. I do have a couple activities planned, but when I only have two weekends a month with him it's hard to schedule those activities.

As for getting a life, I never had one before this all happened. H was my life from the time I was 20. I'm 32 now, so that's a long time. I never was one for going out, having drinks, meeting friends at a bar. I can count on one hand the number of times I've gone out and enjoyed it. I am just not a going-out kind of person. So when I say that I don't know how to get up and get a life, I really mean I don't know how.

[CityGirl]

Well, what do you like to do? Is there anything you ever wanted to learn to do like sew or decorate cakes or <insert thing here>?

What about a yoga class or something like that?

[Mystik]

What do I like to do? Hmm.... That's a tough one. Mostly, read and be on the computer. I'll have to think about different things for me to do.

[TimeHeals]

What do I like to do? Hmm.... That's a tough one. Mostly, read and be on the computer. I'll have to think about different things for me to do.

Yes you do. When you are surfing the internet, maybe you will come across something? Get out for some fresh air and a walk if nothing else.

Just keep plugging along picking up one new thing at a time. It doesn't have to occupy all of your time even. Just start entertaining yourself, exploring life, and so on.

[CityGirl]

If you like to read why not volunteer for some reading activities when your son is with your H? You could read to the blind, read at a nursing home or something like that. Volunteering is AMAZING!

Or why not write and self publish a book. Create a blog/facebook/twitter to promote your book and see where you can take it. It could be a short book (I am not talking a 500 page novel here). It's not expensive to do and it would fit in your hobby of reading/being on the computer.

[Mystik]

Been thinking about a topic of conversation in NewMama's thread, it was about how some people are able to let go and move on while others aren't. I'm one who isn't able to.

Been thinking about why I'm not able to. I think it's mainly because I still love H desperately, I still believe with all my heart that he will come home, that our marriage can be saved. I miss H, I miss the companionship and the friendship we had. I long for him to just hold me and make me feel comforted like he used to do. I fight myself constantly to not contact him, to let him be the one to contact me.

I'm definitely a nurterer by nature. When I was growing up I wanted to get married and have kids and stay home with them like my mom did. I wanted to take care of my husband the way my mom took care of hers. When H and I were married I didn't mind washing the laundry, doing the cooking. It was the folding of laundry and cleaning that I didn't care for. I would get frustrated with H for not lifting a finger while I took care of DS and tried to keep up with the house but for the most part wasn't looking for him to do the housework. Just help neaten things up before bed. I'm also one who's content to be dominated. I'm content to let H make decisions about what's for dinner, where we're going on vacation, etc. I miss that, having someone tell me what I should do.

Been thinking about my personality and DB efforts. I'm a very passive person, content to let others make the decisions or take action while I just sit back and hide my head in the sand. I am terrified of fights, will bend over backwards to keep people happy so I avoid arguments. Not sure if I should do a 180 and tell H I'm ready to talk, instead of my normal action which is to avoid confrontations. But I know that I'll be very emotional during the talk, which is bad. And I'm wondering if I should stick with the thought that no news is good news, if H really wanted the talk he would have found a way to have it by now, you know? As for interactions with H, I wonder if he's so distant because I've been so distant. Or is he distant because it's easier for him to detach? Or is he feeling guilty, that's why he's being so distant? Unfortunately for me, the distance has not helped me with detaching.

[Mystik]

TimeHeals, I should expand my internet surfing beyond FaceBook and this message board. Who knows what I will find out there. And I should get out and do more walking, in the fresh air. Lord knows my butt could use the exercise. Literally.

CG, I do enjoy writing. I would like to get back into that. Never thought about trying to get published, though. Not sure I'm that good.

[newmama]

OK if you like to be told what to do, let us boss you around and whip you into shape! lol!

You say you don't like to go out with friends, etc. Have you done anything alone?

My SIL was with her H since highschool. When they were married for 10 years, he divorced her. She had no idea how to be alone or how to function without him.

So the first thing she did was nothing. She is the tiniest thing, about 4'11 and I am guessing 100 pounds? But she lost weight and it was sickening to see her and scary. She couldn't eat. She couldn't sleep. She couldn't pay her bills (she had money but didn't pay them). Her work told her to take a 3 week absence because she couldn't function. She didn't answer the phone when we tried to call her.

I HAD NO CLUE what to do to help her! Except to invite her to dinner, say "you'll feel better with time. You'll be happy again. You can meet someone new."
(I have apologized to her so many times for saying that to her! No one wants to hear that fresh after a divorce/being left (he left her and filed for divorce the same day).

WELLLL she is a religious person so she comforted herself with the bible and kept going to church. She went to counseling 2x per week! She took antidepresants. She made herself go out to dinner alone or go see a movie alone when her H had the boys.
(she just tried to get out of the house)

After 3 months she started to emerge, befriended the other parents at her sons' baseball/soccer/football games (they play all of them) and met a couple of other single moms whose husband's left them for other women. WOW we are everywhere!

She read tons of relationship books, she picked up sewing again, and by Thanksgiving (he left her in February) she decided to do new traditions with her sons for the holidays. She redecorated the house and claimed it for her own.

The next spring she met a great guy and they took it slow. Then they started to date exclusively and seriously contemplated marriage (YIKES...) but wouldn't you know...her H started acting really nice. He had bought a house to live with his OW but she cheated on him so they broke up and he sold the house and rented an apartment. He wanted to spend more time with the boys and hang around, helping my SIL. He knew she was dating someone.

Well, 20 months after he left her, he told her he wanted to come back. He made a mistake. Of course she didn't take him back right away! She insisted he go to counseling. But they did go on a few dates. She told her boyfriend and he was patient (I don't know exactly what she told him?). Then she broke up with her boyfriend and tried dating just her H. They fought. He bailed. She went back to her boyfriend. A few months later her H was back.

She insisted he go to IC and said she didn't want to stop seeing her boyfriend and she didn't want to get back together with her H. He just kept pursuing her...and she realized she still loved her H, wanted to give her boys their family back, and it wasn't fair to her boyfriend to harbor feelings for H and think about getting back together with him. SOOO 2 years and a few months after he divorced, her H moved back in, living in a separate bedroom. They went to counseling and then remarried last fall.

[Vulcanized]

Been thinking about a topic of conversation in NewMama's thread, it was about how some people are able to let go and move on while others aren't. I'm one who isn't able to.

Been thinking about why I'm not able to. I think it's mainly because I still love H desperately, I still believe with all my heart that he will come home, that our marriage can be saved. I miss H, I miss the companionship and the friendship we had. I long for him to just hold me and make me feel comforted like he used to do. I fight myself constantly to not contact him, to let him be the one to contact me.

M, I understand, I really do. I love my H, and do believe that our M can be reconciled. However, I desperately love me more than H. Once I decided to make that my reality, it got much easier for me.

With the exception of ones children, I think it's incredibly unhealthy to love anyone else more than yourself. When I loved H more than me, I let him trample most of my boundaries, dictate how I felt about myself, even question my own judgement. The disturbing thing is, I let H dictate my reality for as long as I did, and looking at H now, H seems pretty mentally unbalanced, I just don't think I noticed it before. Now it is just much more pronounced.

I'm definitely a nurterer by nature. When I was growing up I wanted to get married and have kids and stay home with them like my mom did. I wanted to take care of my husband the way my mom took care of hers. When H and I were married I didn't mind washing the laundry, doing the cooking. It was the folding of laundry and cleaning that I didn't care for. I would get frustrated with H for not lifting a finger while I took care of DS and tried to keep up with the house but for the most part wasn't looking for him to do the housework. Just help neaten things up before bed. I'm also one who's content to be dominated. I'm content to let H make decisions about what's for dinner, where we're going on vacation, etc. I miss that, having someone tell me what I should do.

Perhaps this is something you should explore in IC. You are a grown woman, w/DS to care for. You aren't a child, as such, you need to stand on your own and makes decisions for yourself. The need to be dominated indicates a desire to not take personal responsibility. As in, if things don't work out the way you anticipated, then it isn't your fault, b/c you are just following orders. The fact that you felt frustrated to me seems to be some part of yourself striving for independence or control of your own life. Does that make sense?

Try to do some reading on the dynamics of Dom/Sub relationships. I've been in both, and in the S role, one reverts to an almost 'childlike' state. I'm sure I'm not articulating this very well; sorry.

Been thinking about my personality and DB efforts. I'm a very passive person, content to let others make the decisions or take action while I just sit back and hide my head in the sand. I am terrified of fights, will bend over backwards to keep people happy so I avoid arguments. Not sure if I should do a 180 and tell H I'm ready to talk, instead of my normal action which is to avoid confrontations. But I know that I'll be very emotional during the talk, which is bad. And I'm wondering if I should stick with the thought that no news is good news, if H really wanted the talk he would have found a way to have it by now, you know? As for interactions with H, I wonder if he's so distant because I've been so distant. Or is he distant because it's easier for him to detach? Or is he feeling guilty, that's why he's being so distant? Unfortunately for me, the distance has not helped me with detaching.

I can relate to this. I tried desperately to avoid conflict w/H. I buried my head in the sand, hoping the problems that led up to H's A would disappear or somehow magically fix themselves. From Jan - Sep last year, I was incredibly unhappy w/H & M. Seriously was thinking of D'ing H. But, instead of trying to resolve this is any way, I just ignored it outwardly, and fumed inwardly. In the interim, H started A.

One of my 180's was to actually try to resolve conflicts w/H. Obviously, doesn't work w/OW in the picture. But, I'm using that skill in every other area of my life.

What exactly do you want to talk to your H about? You know that talking about your M, OW, OW's pg or D is not going to go well, and will only hurt you more. I think your position of strength should be to let your H approach you. I think your H knows that you are waiting for OW to not work out/end. I think your sitch would start to turn around if H knew that this wasn't the case.

As for H's detachment, it could be any of those things. Or a million other. You just won't know. My H's MO for the last 4 mos or so is pretty much dead silence. There was a time when I thought H was just completely done. Recently, H has been incredibly angry, and vocal about it. That seems to indicate that H isn't done. For the most part, I don't think about it. I won't know, and stewing does no good.

I know it's incredibly hard to detach when you are mired in the sitch. But it's even harder to stay that way. You really do have to walk your path for you and DS. The crappy reality is that your H is w/pg OW. All you can do is decide how much of your energy you are willing to invest in that. Ultimately, H & OW don't make you feel bad, you give them that power by focusing on them and not you and DS.

I'm not trying to be harsh. You seem to really be floundering; I'm trying to show you the things that got me from where you are now to where I am now. It's a lot less painful once you make the decision to let go.

(((M)))

[TimeHeals]

The other day when you asked us to pray for you to find strength, it got me thinking, and I created a story (plot sketch really) with that idea and using stuff I learned reading other peoples' posts on here too.

It's in my posts, and it's called "Praying for Strength".

Praying for Strength