Still trying to find my way

[Mystik]

Been thinking about a topic of conversation in NewMama's thread, it was about how some people are able to let go and move on while others aren't. I'm one who isn't able to.

Been thinking about why I'm not able to. I think it's mainly because I still love H desperately, I still believe with all my heart that he will come home, that our marriage can be saved. I miss H, I miss the companionship and the friendship we had. I long for him to just hold me and make me feel comforted like he used to do. I fight myself constantly to not contact him, to let him be the one to contact me.

I'm definitely a nurterer by nature. When I was growing up I wanted to get married and have kids and stay home with them like my mom did. I wanted to take care of my husband the way my mom took care of hers. When H and I were married I didn't mind washing the laundry, doing the cooking. It was the folding of laundry and cleaning that I didn't care for. I would get frustrated with H for not lifting a finger while I took care of DS and tried to keep up with the house but for the most part wasn't looking for him to do the housework. Just help neaten things up before bed. I'm also one who's content to be dominated. I'm content to let H make decisions about what's for dinner, where we're going on vacation, etc. I miss that, having someone tell me what I should do.

Been thinking about my personality and DB efforts. I'm a very passive person, content to let others make the decisions or take action while I just sit back and hide my head in the sand. I am terrified of fights, will bend over backwards to keep people happy so I avoid arguments. Not sure if I should do a 180 and tell H I'm ready to talk, instead of my normal action which is to avoid confrontations. But I know that I'll be very emotional during the talk, which is bad. And I'm wondering if I should stick with the thought that no news is good news, if H really wanted the talk he would have found a way to have it by now, you know? As for interactions with H, I wonder if he's so distant because I've been so distant. Or is he distant because it's easier for him to detach? Or is he feeling guilty, that's why he's being so distant? Unfortunately for me, the distance has not helped me with detaching.