Heartbroken and needing help!

[Grace_O]

What do I say to people who ask what is going on? That H left or that WE separated? I don't know how to handle this. He still has not told a soul except one of his brothers.

Keep in mind whatever you say may find it's way back to your kids. There are some people in my life that know that H left and it wasn't a mutual decision. My D's probably know that too, but it is not what we told them.

Is it "normal" when going through this to "exit" the social scene for a while? I don't feel secure enough that I won't break down in public. Somedays at work I have to close my door or my secretary will redirect people so that I can regain my composure.

I didn't exit the social scene per se, I no longer dance at any of the places we used to go though. I kind of left that behind anyway, but I am every interested in getting back to it (as soon as my knee heals). I won't go to the same places though.

So, you have to close your door somedays? It will get better. You do what you have to in order to make it through the day. At least you have a door

I'm not one that thinks that every truth has to be spoken to. When we told our D's (they were 14 and 11), it was kept simple, no blame. They were told that sometimes in a marriage b/c of frustration and unhappiness couples needed to separate. That it was not thier fault and how much we love them.

I've taken criticism for it, but I am still good with the way we handled it. Do they know differently? By now (they are 18 and 15), I'm sure they have seen, heard and put alot together that hasn't been said.

Do I feel like I lied to them? No. Did thay get the whole truth? No. They don't need that. Why would my D's need to know the private stuff between me and H? Yes, they have been told some of it is private.

I have used (and continue to do so) different media to talk about alot of "grown-up" issues with my D's. Books, movies, music that I can turn into a convo about everything from divorce, separation, affairs, MLC, addiction and suicide. I know from the way they address some of the issues that they know more than I have said.

It is not my job to repair their R with their Dad. It is my job not to damage it. I just do the best I can. You will find what's right for you.

HUGS

[Truegritter]

It is my job not to damage it.

Now that is grace...

Perfect.

[Grace_O]

Smooches! TG

[irishblessings]

Help - Help - Help!
H calls tonight to "catch up"...
Tells me that he told his boss that he left
Boss concerned because he knows us - asked if we had counseling - H says yeah, lots.
H says he's applied for bunch of part time work. Wants to bring in more money.
Says he's trying to find a place to live for free (friend, family) etc.
He then is quiet - asks "if I can't find a place can I stay at home?"
Says he hated to ask
I was silent - he said I didn't need to answer - I told him that I couldn't answer him right now. Said I would talk to him tomorrow evening.
He said if he could avoid it he wanted to.

I feel like it would be so confusing to S (and me) - If I say yes, it would have to be unconditional right?
Help!!!

[Truegritter]

Irish

I think you know the right answer.

Your fixer detector is still broken though.

Now if you've been listening at all.

What do you think is the best for YOU?

[TimeHeals]

Your fixer detector is still broken though

Are you implying that she might be having trouble because she is being asked to help him fix his problem with the promise of nothing whatsoever in return, and... she's addicted to fixing?

[irishblessings]

I'm tired and lonely and sad -
so I could say "yes, you can stay - but in lieu of rent I want you to work on the m"
That would be controlling AND doomed for failure
I could say "no, I'm sorry for your situation - however I don't think that it would be a good idea"

I am gun shy right now about any decisions. Do I ask him what moving back in means to him? Is it more of the same or is it different? Or is that pushing a R talk on him?

I am so sorry to sound so ignorant - I have NEVER felt this way before and I HATE it! I have never felt so hopeless and helpless and alone! Sorry - more whining!
I am out of town for work and it's the first time that there hasn't been anyone to give a sh** if I'm ok / if I made it here ok, etc. Definite self pity going on! UGLY!

[PEI]

What does Irish want and need for herself? Not for her H, not for her M ... for herself?

[Truegritter]

Irish

You have gotten a LOT of amazing guidance here lately.

I can tell you what I think based on my own experience

BUT

I want you to do something.

Read back over your thread.

Every page.

First you have to try to do better at detaching.

Now IF detaching is a goal...

Do you think that will be harder or easier if H lives with you?

When you detach you will gain control over the chaos.

and this...

I have NEVER felt this way before and I HATE it! I have never felt so hopeless and helpless and alone!

and

there hasn't been anyone to give a sh** if I'm ok / if I made it here ok, etc. Definite self pity going on! UGLY!

I promise this is the first step toward making this pain better.

Read...

[irishblessings]

Right now I want to be loved and cared for - and of course I want it to come from him.
But I have to learn to love and care for myself.
Have I been living in a fantasy world for 28 years? I don't even feel like I know anything anymore! Everything that I used to believe - about love, marriage, relationships is shattered!
Granted - I understand the self awareness importance and it is something that I've known is a problem for me - something I had hoped to conquer once kids were out of the house and H and I could grow individually and as a couple. But this is an accelerated course that I wasn't prepared for and I'm failing miserably!