The journey begins

[antlers]

Man, I'm sorry that you're being hurt right now by the things you are seeing and realizing. Some days are better than others, and when you have a really bad one, just realize that it will pass. You'll feel better again than you do now. Some people are able to justify the things they want to do, regardless of how wrong they are. We have no control over that. We can only control 'us', and our reactions to the things we experience. I know it hurts, it can't be avoided...it has to be 'gone through'. She's not laughing at you. If you already had someone else, would you be laughing at her, if she didn't? It's the same with her. She's just moving on. And that's what we've got to do. I'm sorry for your pain, and I wish you peace and healing. It's hard to let go...but we've got to do it.

[ImprovedRomeo]

I know it sucks to see another man in the picture. But our mind is usually our worst enemy in these situations it's like that song Mr. Brightside by The Killers...it's just setting off haunting scripted images of what they're probably doing etc.

Unfortunately it's also a reality check about our own progress or lack of it. We'll always be the slave to these bombs unless we let them go completely and set ourselves free. I wish I knew how to do this myself but I know with time it does get better.

I think you're right in thinking about callling your lawyer and moving on ahead with the process. The legal ending may help with moving on and you're 'waiting' to do things because you're not divorced yet including the 31yo.

I agree with the 31yo that you're a great dad and your focus should continue to be the kids.

[ClingingToHope]

More rounds of pain today -- and I had to bail for a while. It was a very busy day. We made it to church. Dropped their friend off after a two-day sleepover. Bought a present for a party, took D7 to the party. D11 and I swam for 90 minutes until party was over then we went to get some ice cream before they were to go to vacation bible school.

Of course, the vacation bible school was at STBXW's mom's church. It's the church we got married in. So I prepared myself for that.

When we get there I see the MIL. I knew I would. She's enabling STBXW, but I don't blame her, it's her daughter and she can't say no to any of them.

But then STBXW shows up and I didn't expect her. I didn't look at her. Just filled out paperwork but then I looked at her hand. No bandage. No injury. It was just a BS story for the kids.

She left eventually and I was supposed to stay and have dinner with the kids. The kids sat with their groups though and I was just there alone with my thoughts and I couldn't help it, my eyes were misting up. The lady who is running the camp lives next door to MIL and said I didn't have to stay, they'd watch the kids. So I told the girls I was going to a friend's house.

Right before leaving, D7 ran up to me and said "Daddy, mommy said (the Realtor) liked the changes so the house is up for sale. We're going to sell the house, buy a new one and I'll get a new room."

I spent the next 90 minutes on the phone with friends and then eating at another friend's house. Then I played a softball game with another friend who lives in our neighborhood and noticed a guy was mowing my yard. I told him the story and he said, "dude, you just got to move on."

I feel like a chump. I feel like I've been being lied to for at least a year. Or I was just ignoring every sign blindly. I wish I had the strength to leave her years ago when I realized what a cold-hearted person she is. But I made a pact or promise to fight the good fight thinking in the end effort would win out.

Yes. It will get better. I will get better. I will find someone better. It just hurts today and it hurts a lot.

Funny, today was baptism Sunday at the church and about 500 just handed their sins over to God. If we didn't have such a busy day scheduled I would have done so. I was pretty motivated. STBXW and I never had a strong foundation for marriage. Certainly, neither of us really believed in God and that the commitment we were making was sacred. The foundation was that we were so into each other. I so want to feel that again, but I'm terrified of it as well. I need to find someone whose intellect I respect, my equal, I never really respected STBXW and honestly I still don't. I was just so physically in love with her.

I'm a mess. I'm going to bed.

[Gardener]

CTH,Sorry you had such a rough one, today.

I spent the next 90 minutes on the phone with friends and then eating at another friend's house. Then I played a softball game with another friend who lives in our neighborhood and noticed a guy was mowing my yard. I told him the story and he said, "dude, you just got to move on."

Those outside of it can neither appreciate it or understand it. They just want your pain to end.

I feel like a chump.

You're not. You're decent and noble and have values.

I feel like I've been being lied to for at least a year.

You probably were.

Or I was just ignoring every sign blindly.

Maybe. Thinking the unthinkable is something we naturally tend to avoid.

I wish I had the strength to leave her years ago when I realized what a cold-hearted person she is.

I understand. But shoulda coulda woulda...you wind up "shoulding all over yourself"

But I made a pact or promise to fight the good fight thinking in the end effort would win out.

There's that decent, noble, values thing, again...

Yes. It will get better. I will get better. I will find someone better. It just hurts today and it hurts a lot.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. And yes. I understand.
Cut your good, decent self some slack tomorrow and be good to yourself.
Peace,

[ClingingToHope]

I got the girls up -- it was a struggle -- and off to camp for the week. D7 is going to an outdoors camp and really didn't want to go. Luckily, one of the camp counselors is an aide from her school so she perked up.

D11 went with me to my softball game and then I took her up to a friend's house where she'll be going for the week.

It's going to be a long week for them. They'll go from camp or the friend's house to vacation bible camp.

I won't see them again until Wednesday when I pick them up and NOT take them to bible camp. We'll do something different.

Then I won't see them again until Tuesday, July 6.

At that point though, I'll have them two of the next three weeks and two of those weekends. That'll be the BIG SUMMER stuff for me.

I was really down dropping them off though. You know, nothing really has changed in my life since last Friday but it feels like the roller coaster is screaming downhill again.

Bad, bad mental images. I called my sister and talked things through for a bit. Then I texted the 31-year-old just because it lifts my mood. Turns out she's going rafting Friday -- man, I really think we'd be compatible. She loves to DO STUFF. Snow boarding, boating. STBXW likes to SIT.

But she'll be back Sunday for the 4th and is planning on meeting the church group so I'll see her.

That lifted my mood a bit. Now, I have to email my attorney and get things going again.

Money? It's going to be close in terms of making it to the end of summer without dipping into savings.

I'm just in a lull in a lot of ways.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Hang in there CTH. I totally know what you mean about things not changing but it feels like your life's upside down. I think seeing that guy really messed with your head and it's totally understandable. Just know the sooner you get over this the sooner you can move on to nicer women like the 31yo who you'll be able to spend time with doing fun things and not sit at home. I'm the same way, I like to get out and do stuff but STBX didn't- only problem is I hate doing stuff by myself, I need a partner in crime andI feel stuck in a rut these days.

Anyway, keep the focus on the girls...they're your priority. They grow up too fast...make good memories with them for you and them. I ordered a book written for single dads I'll write about it in my thread when I get it but it seems promising.

[ClingingToHope]

Here's the email I sent to my L:

"I do not like the fact that in their offer STBXW is getting to include all of the debts that she’s run up since we split up and I’m stuck with submitting just the debts we had when I moved out.

I also mailed you a copy of my March 31 credit union statement, which showed how much I still owed on my car -- $8,600 or $8,000 not $7,000 as they are contending.

But I also do not want to keep sending letter after letter especially when each one costs me roughly $80 or so.

I’d like to insist that they factor in my CORRECT debt on the car, which I believe would have to bring their offer back to the $11,000 range.

Here’s the big question, can we stipulate that this has to be AFTER TAX money. If they will raise the offer to $11,000 and it isn’t money from a retirement plan that’ll cost me 40 percent in taxes if I use it to pay down debt then I will accept it.

After this is settled, how much more is there to do? I want to get this over with."

What do you think?

[mishka422]

I do not like the fact that in their offer STBXW is getting to include all of the debts that she’s run up since we split up and I’m stuck with submitting just the debts we had when I moved out.

This is not telling him what you want, it's whining about it not being fair. Tell him exactly what you want.

"L, I do not accept responsibility for the debt that STBXW has racked up since we separated and I will not paying half of that."

To the point. Clearly stated.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Good point mish. CTH, I think it looks good, you may want to ask what the next steps are, what else needs to be done and how quickly can this be wrapped up.

[ClingingToHope]

I see what you are saying Mishka. My real point of the letter is to see if we can stipulate it's after tax money I'm getting paid with. If it is then I'd rather take the $11,000 and wrap this up than fight for $15,000 when every phone call and letter is another $100 to $200 gone.

That $11,000 would wipe out my car payment and I could put the rest away for IRS trouble. Then I could use the rest of my IRA to wipe out a loan and a credit card -- and then I could start building for the future.