The weird thing is that, up until this weekend, was feeling like my W was making a real effort in that regard (had even initiated ML, but in the spirit of “getting it over with”, given it was hanging over both of our heads, which I appreciated).
In fact, when I texted her after the morning we ML to say how much I enjoyed it, she said she wanted me to “be happy” so thought she was ready to at least “fake it until we make it” (but we had agreed when I had tried to initiate about a week later for this trip last weekend to be the “next time”, which she feigned not remembering).
She had always professed to have no interest in ML period after having the kids, so the hardest thing for me now is knowing that those feelings/desire did come back during the A for someone else (but have not come back in regard to me).
It’s funny how all of this works – right when you feel like you’re a little “over the hump”, you’re back on your a**, questioning everything…
Thanks for the 2x4, Truegritter...really agree with much of your insights that my "agenda" is being pushed here (btw, she totally will not go to IC/MC - with her OCD/ADHD, she really works on 1 "track", and that track right now is focused on her job, and a little bit on me).
Am going to take some time for your points to sink in, TG...have tried to really get her to say what she wants but doesn't really have much to say other than "to be happy" or something general (hence why i wanted to go to MC w/ her, to try and pull some of this out of her that for whatever reason she can't articulate with me)).
Thought through this some more today – would especially like a female take on all of this, as I’m struggling with it (Sandi, you out there)?
Now can see how some of my behavior was controlling (and know among the other things she’s thinking through (maybe as a result of getting back into contact with her ex-husband) is that she “missed out” on an independent existence (as I learned in conversation that, since she’s been 19-20 years old, she hasn’t been single at any point in her life more than about a month.
(I, on the other hand, was almost the exact opposite – a few long-term GFs before my wife but probably 9 months was my longest relationship before her (we met in my early 30s))…note that part of all of this that has happened is at least a “mini” MLC on her part when she turned 40.
In terms of articulating what she’d like to do to “work” on our M, know she will basically say “do what we’re doing”…we are spending more time together and are getting along well (and getting certainly a little more “deep”, at lease in our daily lives, than we did in the disconnected “roommate” era), but for me are still not dealing with these underlying issues (after the A, really what she would like and see as a path forward in what I’d like, a “new” M with her that eventually does include passion again).
For me, would also like for her to get help with her other underlying issues (OCD/ADHD, some gyn things that do make life hard on her, and have mentioned that to her recently, with a response of “I can only work/focus on 1 thing at a time”) that’s she’s tended to use as excuses for some of her behavior (and continues to at times).
On the ML issues, she’s definitely in the camp of “I have to feel it to be into it”, not the “fake it until you make it” camp…on top of it, everything that’s happened (the long dry spell + A + ) has made me really anxious whenever things start getting sexual (I’m OK as long as long as it’s non-sexual, but when it crosses over, the heart jumps and my breathing goes crazy)…is hard to be with someone you’re so attracted to (despite all that’s happened).
Would say, except for the physical, she’s been meeting my needs pretty well (and has even tried to draw things out of me, which she NEVER would have done before)…thing is we had such a “dry spell” that I can now see how the physical is still pretty uncomfortable/ackward (as we had really evolved into a very a-sexual relationship – 10 years since we’ve really had any kind of regularly-occurring sex).
And in a week, we leave for a 3 week vacation (to San Diego/Hawaii), which of course before this was seeing as my rekindling chance (and we’ll have no kids in our room the week we’re on “real” vacation (as 1 week I’m at a work meeting), so we seeing this as a major “shot on goal”, if you know what I mean…
Did get to talk to my IC a little bit about all of this (in rescheduling my meeting w/ her), so should be an interesting session tomorrow.
Is it normal for a guy to want to have sex with his W?
Yup.
Is normal for you to want and need that in your M?
Yup.
This isn't about sex and desire nlg this is about how she feels about her relationship with you IMO.
You fix that FIRST then the rest...
Quote:
hardest thing for me is knowing that she had desire for someone else but doesn’t have it for me
Symptom of the problem my friend. NOT the problem.
That all sounds well and good, T.G., but you have a cart-and-the-horse problem here. His wife isn't GOING to regain her desire for her husband so long as she's intentionally getting her brain washed in PEAs from contact with her ex-H and other men like her "ex-flame" on FB. She's going to remain "blocked" to him. If you doubt this, just ask the FWAWs on these forums.
This is why "no-contact and full transparency" is a MUST in post-infidelity situations. Because it's a physiological fact that these kinds of contacts are going to be HUGE OBSTACLES for her ever regaining those "in looove" feelings for NLG again.
I agree with Puppy your W should at minimum be willing to meet some basic criteria to show you she wants to work on your M.
Yes I quoted myself...totally agree with you Puppy and will say it again.
She is putting up road blocks IMO.
BUT
You aren't going ANYWHERE if you keep pressuring her and controlling.
You might as well start banging your head against the wall...if you catch my drift.
So....
This
Originally Posted By: nlg
would also like for her to get help with her other underlying issues (OCD/ADHD, some gyn things that do make life hard on her
Is like taking an alcoholic who doesn't want to quit to a bar and expecting them not to drink.
And see previous suggestion ^^^^about head and wall.
Puppy is right. Cart and horse except your horse is dead (old M) and your still beating it trying to get it to go.
Need whole new cart and horse.
She has got to want this and show you she wants it.
Are you going to be satisfied in this M if status quo stays for the rest of your life?
I can tell you for sure she won't.
So what is your basic criteria for a happy M?
AND
What is she willing to do to get there?
Otherwise it's like a dog, you call it, it comes, it looks at you and then bang off to chase a squirrel.
Actually a dog is better...
Remember what I said to you when you started this thread?
Why are you in piecing?
You are the one who has made compromises here for the chance at outcomes and now that it is not turning out you are back to the old NLG, trying to control, getting upset...
Doesn't this feel familiar?
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Just like to say TG, that your response on the top of page 5 really struck me and is very good advice for me in my sitch. Cart before the horse, is exactly what I have been doing.
The last few days have been alot better, because I have not been pressuring, not been controlling, and not have had a hidden agenda. I am as sexed crazed as the next guy, but maybe this time I have finally gotten it. Repair the friendship, relationship, make her feel comfortable, trusting and then it follows. Do I really want my wife to keep on having sex with me because she thinks she has to, or would it be any better if she actually wants to? Easy question.
Met with my IC today, which was good – her main point/idea was to discuss with my W the things I’d like to happen on our vacation trip, so that we both know what our expectations are (and to explore with her what things she’d be willing to do physically short of ML to begin the journey of reconnecting physically), which of course is contrary to your advice, Puppy/TG! (As I’m realizing that my tendency is to make assumptions based on my own internal dialogue (without talking to my W about it), instead of confirming/discussing things with her in advance, which can then temper my expectations/assumptions), this seems to make sense).
Also, I did apologize to W last night for having an “agenda” at the end of our trip (and not discussing it with her before popping it on her Sunday morning), which she was understanding about.
The “good” news that my W told me yesterday is that her ex-H doesn’t want to talk to her anymore (they exchanged some emails), as I think he has a lot of regrets about his role in the ending of their M (and has told her he had “a tough time getting over her”). Told her I wasn’t sad that was the case (but also feel like he’s saying that to gain some sympathy from her) and that, in my reading about infidelity, any contact with an ex- is “playing with fire”. Also told her the timing of the re-contact couldn’t have been worse for me, given her A and where we are as a couple – had it happened a year from now or 2 years ago, don’t think it would have caused me much concern/anxiety. She of course claimed there was “no way” that anything would happen with ex-H and that she had no plans (even before he broke off contact) to see him in person.
We’re both stressed getting our work done and preparing for the trip, but do feel like it makes sense to talk about these things before the trip (as in my mind, this was a sort of second honeymoon, as we had always planned/talked about going to Hawaii on our honeymoon (we had an Elvis “Blue Hawaii” wedding in Las Vegas, and a real Hawaii vacation was the perfect tie in)! Just mostly want to tell her I’d like some alone time with her without the kids (and that I know I need to get away from the focus on the physical).
Definitely looking forward to my final yoga class tonight!
Have pulled back from W the last few days (though one funny little incident - had told her I liked her dress yesterday and she said I just liked the cleavage (which I agreed); she answered me back in the text with this -- (.)(.) - about fell out of my chair)!
She did want me to warm her last night at an evening soccer game we were at, which I did, but we're both a bit work stressed (plus haven't started pulling things together for our 3-week trip), so it's going to be crazed around here. (Still juggling the kids, too - they're here w/ me at work now).
Gonna be staying in my zone until leaving on Monday (and letting everything breathe between us)...hope to be checking in from the trip with some journaling...
