Thought through this some more today – would especially like a female take on all of this, as I’m struggling with it (Sandi, you out there)?
Now can see how some of my behavior was controlling (and know among the other things she’s thinking through (maybe as a result of getting back into contact with her ex-husband) is that she “missed out” on an independent existence (as I learned in conversation that, since she’s been 19-20 years old, she hasn’t been single at any point in her life more than about a month.
(I, on the other hand, was almost the exact opposite – a few long-term GFs before my wife but probably 9 months was my longest relationship before her (we met in my early 30s))…note that part of all of this that has happened is at least a “mini” MLC on her part when she turned 40.
In terms of articulating what she’d like to do to “work” on our M, know she will basically say “do what we’re doing”…we are spending more time together and are getting along well (and getting certainly a little more “deep”, at lease in our daily lives, than we did in the disconnected “roommate” era), but for me are still not dealing with these underlying issues (after the A, really what she would like and see as a path forward in what I’d like, a “new” M with her that eventually does include passion again).
For me, would also like for her to get help with her other underlying issues (OCD/ADHD, some gyn things that do make life hard on her, and have mentioned that to her recently, with a response of “I can only work/focus on 1 thing at a time”) that’s she’s tended to use as excuses for some of her behavior (and continues to at times).
On the ML issues, she’s definitely in the camp of “I have to feel it to be into it”, not the “fake it until you make it” camp…on top of it, everything that’s happened (the long dry spell + A + ) has made me really anxious whenever things start getting sexual (I’m OK as long as long as it’s non-sexual, but when it crosses over, the heart jumps and my breathing goes crazy)…is hard to be with someone you’re so attracted to (despite all that’s happened).
Would say, except for the physical, she’s been meeting my needs pretty well (and has even tried to draw things out of me, which she NEVER would have done before)…thing is we had such a “dry spell” that I can now see how the physical is still pretty uncomfortable/ackward (as we had really evolved into a very a-sexual relationship – 10 years since we’ve really had any kind of regularly-occurring sex).
And in a week, we leave for a 3 week vacation (to San Diego/Hawaii), which of course before this was seeing as my rekindling chance (and we’ll have no kids in our room the week we’re on “real” vacation (as 1 week I’m at a work meeting), so we seeing this as a major “shot on goal”, if you know what I mean…
Did get to talk to my IC a little bit about all of this (in rescheduling my meeting w/ her), so should be an interesting session tomorrow.
