When she starts to comment on differences in you, completely unsolicited, that's progress. Act casual about them.
When she flirts with you at all, that's progress. Flirt back, a little, but be coy.
When she starts asking you questions about your life, particularly digging for info about you possibly dating, that's progress. Be vague in response, regardless of the truth.
When she starts to own her part, that's progress. Tell her how much you appreciate her saying it, and own some fault of yours in response. These are healing moments.
When she starts making physical contact with you, completely unsolicited, that's progress. Do not reciprocate at all at first.
When she invites you to do things with her alone, or with her and the kids, that's progress. Accept some, but not all of her invitations.
When she starts acting annoyed or hurt that you're doing fun things with the kids without her, that's progress.
If you are working on yourself, you are not spinning your wheels. If you are trying to "fix" your R, you are spinning your wheels, until she wants to "fix" it too.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
