help with a plan

[idontunderstand]

Have you tried to be a bit more vague/mysterious of your activities?

I guess I haven't. I will make more of an effort to do so.

She needs to be interested in your life. Don't be so fast to give her a play by play.

Point taken.

She asked what time you got home, too.

Does this mean anything? Does it matter?

Thanks, Sandi. It took me long enough but I am finally doing the things that you and others told me to months ago. If only I would have done it sooner. Maybe the really fresh rookies can learn from my mistakes. (really fresh rookies as opposed to the seasoned rookies like myself!)

[LSG]

IDU,

Even us "seasoned rookies" can learn a thing or two from each other.

I just wanted to say, "have a great weekend." You deserve it!

Take care okay.

[idontunderstand]

Journaling:

W asked Fri. nite what I had going on for the weekend. I said nothing special, why? She said she had to work at her parents church picnic on Sat. after work. This is something we had done together for the last 16 years. I said that's fine, the kids and I will find something to do.

So, on Sat., we went to the park, played, rode bikes, went fishing, and went swimming at the neighbors lake. Got home around 9:30, gave them showers, made some popcorn while they watched TV, and I got in the shower. W came in while I was showering and said something about it being hot outside. I got out and went and watched TV with all of them. W asked what I had going on on Sun. IDK, why. She had a bridal shower to go to for her cousin. She said she could take the two little ones or all of the kids if I had plans. I said I don't think any of them would really have much fun at a bridal shower, we would be fine. You go do your thing, we'll do ours. We put them to bed, and I went to bed.

Sunday, she txtd me from work, the same thing she asked me the night before; I can take the kids with me...... didn't know if u had plans. I ignored it. She txtd back a couple hours later when we got home from church; did u get my txt from earlier? I ignored it again.
She txtd again in an hour or so; r u there? What r u guys doing?

I said we r eating at such and such restaurant, the boys served at church and everyone was very good so we went out to eat.
She said don't charge it, we r low on money. I will take care of it. What r u going to do today?
I told her we would find something fun to do.

So, we went to my sister's house. She has a son the same age as the twins and a girl the same age as D6. We went swimming, played ball, BBQ'd, played the Wii and just relaxed. W txt at 4:30, I just got home and am making supper. r u guys coming home?
No, we r eating here. Kids r swimming and playing.
Okay, she said.

We got home at 9:30, got the kids ready for bed, and I told her I was going to shower. I did and went to bed.

I am not mean or anything, but not giving any more info than I need to. I am not trying to make small talk or ask her anything. She has made it clear to me she doesn't want to work on the M. She doesn't go out or stay out late with her school board buddies or party during the week anymore. Those boundaries are being respected. Things at home are a different story. I am cordial to her but don't seek her out for anything. She is friendlier with the txts and that is a small improvement from not telling me anything or answering my txts. It's not nearly enough, though.

Am I on the right track here? Are these baby steps, or am I just giving her the time she needs to get her sh!t together to leave? Don't know, but it does take a lot of pressure and stress away from me and the kids.

[DanF]

Thanks IDU. Trying to learn from your sitch.

Hang in.

[pigskin]

It's an easy gig for her. No pressure to leave, husband takes the kids when she has plans. If I were her I'd ride that as long as I could.

The question is do you want this existence? If you are cool with it, then fine. If not, I don't see any actions to further you along to where you want to be. You say she has told you she doesn't want to work on the marriage. So your current state will continue indefinitely unless some action is taken.

I'm not trying to apply any pressure, because if you are stress free in this environment and don't mind living like you are, then by all means continue. It's not a marriage, but it could be a lot worse.

However you have said many times you wish she would leave. She has no reason to. I'm just trying to ascertain what you really want.

[idontunderstand]

It's an easy gig for her. No pressure to leave, husband takes the kids when she has plans. If I were her I'd ride that as long as I could.

The question is do you want this existence? If you are cool with it, then fine. If not, I don't see any actions to further you along to where you want to be. You say she has told you she doesn't want to work on the marriage. So your current state will continue indefinitely unless some action is taken.

I'm not trying to apply any pressure, because if you are stress free in this environment and don't mind living like you are, then by all means continue. It's not a marriage, but it could be a lot worse.

However you have said many times you wish she would leave. She has no reason to. I'm just trying to ascertain what you really want.

I hear you, Pigskin.

I guess I'm trying what I see as LRT or something. I don't mind being with my kids. I love them and will be there for them. I can't see leaving them with a sitter just to show W I'm not her babysitter. You know?

It has lessened my stress. Just letting her be. She doesn't stay out late or stuff like that anymore. Our home life, on the other hand, has not improved at all.I can't live like this forever and it's not the kind of M that I want. I know I should start the D process.

I guess I'm trying the "easy" things instead of doing the tough or "right" thing. In my mind, I'm trying to wait her out so she will be the one to file and leave. In reality, I know she won't. Where does that leave me?

I know where. I need to take that step. In seems so final. It wouldn't necessarily be final and may help wake her up. Even if it doesn't, I am just delaying the inevitable. Take charge and lead. I know.

[idontunderstand]

I have to admit I still have trouble when it comes to my kids. It's hard to explain without sounding like I'm wimping out, but why should I pawn my kids off on someone else just so I can go out? I do go out more than I have in years. I have trouble justifying it to myself, right or wrong, going out just because.

If the kids were older and understood more about what was going on, maybe it would be different. But they are not and I guess I want them to see at least one reliable parent in their life right now. If and when the D happens, things are going to be so messed up for them.

I know I am just rationalizing some of this thinking it is easier on them and me when, in reality, it is not.

I have come this far and things seem to be improving, somewhat. Not nearly where they need to be or where I would like them to be. I have pulled back from her about as far as possible while still living in the same house. I realize I can't live like this for much longer. Is it really time to pursue dissolving the M or time for patience? I have no further info on OM contact. None that I know of, but I'm sure she wipes out any evidence of it from her phone.

Okay, sorry for all the excuses. This far into things and what I should do next is taking me to a new level of self doubt and anxiety. What has "worked" so far have been the hardest things to do.

I need to lead my family and set an example for my kids of what is right and what is wrong.

Just talking to myself, here. I have the answers I need already.

Have I mentioned lately how much this sucks?

[Coach]

This far into things and what I should do next is taking me to a new level of self doubt and anxiety. What has "worked" so far have been the hardest things to do.

So therefore.............

[idontunderstand]

This far into things and what I should do next is taking me to a new level of self doubt and anxiety. What has "worked" so far have been the hardest things to do.

So therefore.............

I know, Coach.

By going to a L and actually doing something about starting the D rolling is taking the whole counter-intuitive thing to a whole new level for me.

I guess I am hoping there is something else to do in the meantime. I know that there isn't.

I know.

[pigskin]

It sounds like you WANT to believe there is no OM contact. Since it is not in your face and you haven't seen evidence, you are encouraged.

I've been there. Not saying your W is doing what mine did, but even when I thought the EA was cooling off, it wasn't. The way your wife treats you at home is similar to how mine was. It's almost fishy too how she asked you about your plans multiple times on the weekend, almost going a little overboard on being willing to take the kids with her. Are you sure she did what she said she did? Because my W would pull BS like that and go hang with the OM. Sorry for planting seeds of suspicion; it may be nothing. I have to remember that my W is a nominee for the WAS Hall of Fame and most wouldn't be in her league of disrespect, delusion, and deception.

When your W agreed to go to MC, did she also agree to drop all contact and have complete transparency with regard to the OM? I don't remember you saying that, so I'm guessing that was not a term of your agreement.

It's unfortunate, but with MC seemingly on hold with you guys, you are back to where you were a month or so ago.