I have to admit I still have trouble when it comes to my kids. It's hard to explain without sounding like I'm wimping out, but why should I pawn my kids off on someone else just so I can go out? I do go out more than I have in years. I have trouble justifying it to myself, right or wrong, going out just because.
If the kids were older and understood more about what was going on, maybe it would be different. But they are not and I guess I want them to see at least one reliable parent in their life right now. If and when the D happens, things are going to be so messed up for them.
I know I am just rationalizing some of this thinking it is easier on them and me when, in reality, it is not.
I have come this far and things seem to be improving, somewhat. Not nearly where they need to be or where I would like them to be. I have pulled back from her about as far as possible while still living in the same house. I realize I can't live like this for much longer. Is it really time to pursue dissolving the M or time for patience? I have no further info on OM contact. None that I know of, but I'm sure she wipes out any evidence of it from her phone.
Okay, sorry for all the excuses. This far into things and what I should do next is taking me to a new level of self doubt and anxiety. What has "worked" so far have been the hardest things to do.
I need to lead my family and set an example for my kids of what is right and what is wrong.
Just talking to myself, here. I have the answers I need already.
