Does it seem reasonable to anyone that if I go the next few days and he makes no contact with me - no checking in on me - that I need to gently suggest that he plan a meal with the kids outside of me? Or does it even matter?
I wouldn't mention it if it were me...
Sounds just a bit controlling,like he doesn't know how to care for his children. You aren't always going to agree with his parenting skills, or lack there of, but you are going to need to accept them.
Originally Posted By: irishblessings
There are a lot of times that I feel like this is all game playing - this decision making process. I hate it!
It is not a game, although it will play like one...
Originally Posted By: irishblessings
One of my daily marriage recovery emails comes from this guy named Mort Fertel (Marriage boot camp or something like that) - Today's message: I love you but I'm not in love with you" (sound familiar?) He says a person who says this is making a distinction between 2 feelings but NEITHER of those feelings are love. He proposes that when a person says that they are saying that I CARE about you but I'm not EXCITED about you. CARING about someone is a good thing. It's reflective of CONCERN - but it's different than love. Being EXCITED about someone is also a good thing but it's different than love. Someone who says ILYBINILWY is expressing their confusion about what love really is and that's why they are having marital problems and maybe even an affair (because who are they IN LOVE with?) Love, he says, is something we articulate in the vocabulary of ACTION - it is a verb rather than a feeling you get from another PERSON. It's an experience you receive as a result of DEEDS YOU DO for another person. And those deeds are not a secret. In other words, love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do with your spouse to solve your problems and build love in your marriage. He says that as a counselor when he hears ILYBINILWY his immediate response is to ask - Can you list for me 5 ways in the last week that you've demonstrated your love for your spouse? He usually hears grunts, partial statements, etc. but none of what passes as an answer. ILYBINILWY is a cop out that basically means that I have no clue how to make a relationship last LONG-TERM so I'm exiting to get high from another short-term romance. But whoever they're IN LOVE with now will also eventually hear, ILYBINILWY
If I believe this message then I need to continue to do things that demonstrate love? Is this different from being a doormat because of the fact that I'm in control of what I do and have no expectations that he will begin to demonstrate love for me? Just wondering..
In a fully functioning relationship, with two people capable of rational abstract thought, this would be good advice.
Trying to define MLC with any kind of rationality is like trying to push a rope in a straight line....
Irish, you are at a critical stage right now with yourself....
You are starting to understand MLC and its affects on the emotional dynamics...
You are passing that point where a lot of people tend to become bitter, because you think you see the road ahead, and it screams there is no quick fix on this.
You will become discouraged, and want to say F-it, and walk away.
IF you choose this route, no one would question it at all.
Especially friends, family, and well wishers from the Bitter committee...
What you will find though.....
IF you can see past yourself, and really do the work that needs to be done on your soul...
Then you will be able to see this for the blessing and gift that is really is...
This healing that needs to be done, the end result will be growth and understanding that you never thought was possible. The ability to listen, and love with your whole heart.
You next relationship deserves this from you, with whomever it may be...
Nothing is guaranteed in life....
And it's never really over until you say it is, or they are shoveling clay on you....
Take this time for you to find out who you are when you stand up against the world....
And...how can you truly love someone with all of yourself, if you don't know who that is ?
Five ways you have shown him love......
Why don't you start with one at a time for now....
He asked for space and time.....
Or do you want to show him love the way YOU think he should feel it ?
