Heartbroken and needing help!

[TimeHeals]

how do I make amends for this

How do you make amends for what? You don't make amends because that is just another version of trying to fix and control things. You just stop trying to fix and control things.

What will it feel like, look like, etc. when I am living a different way?

You will be focused on things that interest you, living your life, you will be happy, and you won't be making others happy your focus. You will help others if they ask for help, but you won't be trying to stop people from making mistakes or help them if they don't want your help.

You are responsible for your own happiness. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness. Nobody is responsible for somebody else's happiness.

It's so simple really. Letting go of trying to fix and control others is really the easiest thing you can do.

You don't lose compassion or empathy, but you understand that people have to want you to help them, and you understand your own limitations in terms of exactly what you can help people with. Can you help somebody who has had a car wreck by pulling over and calling emergency services? Yes, you CAN do that.

You can't make somebody happy, heal them emotionally, help them find their own spiritual path and so on. If they are interested in your happiness and your path, you can share what it means to YOU, but for them it can be something entirely different, and you understand that.

Find your own spiritual path, your own path to emotional healing, your own happiness.

[irishblessings]

Thanks TH -
It really does sound simple - it has just been a hard thing to retrain my mind and heart to do.

[punkin]

[quote=TimeHeals[quote
It's so simple really. Letting go of trying to fix and control others is really the easiest thing you can do.[/quote]

Makes perfect sense TH, but when you programmed like me, a Career Military Wife, the fixing and controlling of everything so that hubby could focus on career WAS your job. Now, its as if he's said " Thank you for your 20 years of honorable duty to the marriage. Here's your Cracker Jack Watch for retirement. You are no longer needed".

It SHOULD be the easiest thing to do. For me, it's been the most difficult thing of my life, and that includes dropping babies at home with no anesthesia. ( My H's idea, by the way )

[Grace_O]

It SHOULD be the easiest thing to do.

There's the way it ought to be and then the way it really is.

For me, it's been the most difficult thing of my life, and that includes dropping babies at home with no anesthesia. ( My H's idea, by the way )

I have to share a story about a friend of mine that's married to a Marine Corps. Drill Sgt (retired). When she was pregnant with st son, he made the same suggestion. My friend suggested he hook his little fingers into either side of his mouth and pull it over his head. She had all the boys in the hospital. Even though, as I recall it was "natural" childbirth, she had other options.

I refer to Jack's comment regarding men having babies.....

If it had come down to Adam bearing children? The race would have ended with Cain. Am I right Ladies?

And Adam would have been like get the hell away from me Eve that ain't EVER happening again.

[irishblessings]

Well another surreal day...
Got S ready for camp (in the past, H and I would do this together - and enjoy it)
H comes by prior to going golfing for the day to drop off form he forgot to leave for the camp.
Comes in - drops it off - says to S - "enjoy"
Leaves no $$ for S for camp / walks by large trash can I have on the porch waiting to carry to outside trash. S and I watch him go off into the sunset - both of us shaking our heads - this is not the H I knew nor the dad S knew.
No connection to anything but himself - it is SO odd (and sad).
So S and I enjoy getting ready for camp and I drop him off knowing that I shared another special time with him that H has missed. I hate it for him - it is so out of character from the man I've known for 28 years.

[Grace_O]

Irish,

I hate it for him - it is so out of character from the man I've known for 28 years.

For awhile, I hated H for it, not it for H. Just puttin' it out there. I took me awhile to come to grips with all of the different emotions I had raging on.

I am glad that you were able to enjoy the time with your S16.

And btw, this isn't the man you've known for 28 years.

So, what do you have planned for the rest of the day? And while S16 is gone?

[irishblessings]

Thanks for that Grace - while S is gone, I am traveling for work. I guess that is a blessing.
Did you notice that once your M started to go south that all you seem to see around you are married couples? That's all I see - and I ask myself what is it about me or about us that is so different from everyone else?
It's a whiny day for me....sorry

[Grace_O]

Irish,

At first I saw all the married couples that appeared to be happy. Then I looked closer. Some were closer to the brink than I would have liked for them. Some will tough it out, some not.

We never really know what's going on in someone else's mind, let alone home. I remember pretending things weren't as bad as they seemed and being paniced to make a positive change before it was too late. C'est la vie.


You are seeing yourself as worth less right now. You aren't. With all your flaws and imperfections you are capable of and worthy of love. You have to believe. And, it takes time.

Right now you want to make ammends and fix things. Everything isn't your fault.

There may be things you need to own and changes you want to make. Do that, but do it for yourself. I'm sure you have already apologized for everything under the sun and then some. Let it go as far as having that convo with him.

I have written more than a few "Dobson letters" to H. Some have been angry and some not. One of the most powerful for me was the one where I forgave him for leaving me. Another really powerful letter was oneI wrote to myself, forgiving me for his leaving.

I don't know what might work for you. There are different things I used along the way. I still meditate for example. As soon as I am able, I will be walking and hiking again. Right now I am limited to some exercises with weights <sigh>.

If it's a whiny day, that's ok. I have cheese and that goes great with whine

HUGS

[Truegritter]

I am a nice person - I am a good person - I am a loving person - I am a giving person - I am a funny person - I'm not unattractive -

Yes you are all these things and just RE-member that.

I am with my friend Cali Girl(hey Grace!) up there ^^^^

First forgive yourself.

It is NOT yours to fix.

This is H's journey...

You stick to yours.

That's the work we will do here.

For Irish.

[irishblessings]

Continuing to feel lost in this nightmare. Am out of town for work / S is at camp. H had asked if when Ds come home for upcoming holiday weekend if we could - at least once - all get together for a cookout. I told him I needed to take it a day at a time and that I couldn't make any promises.
I am really working to stay calm, pleasant, non-confrontational.
Does it seem reasonable to anyone that if I go the next few days and he makes no contact with me - no checking in on me - that I need to gently suggest that he plan a meal with the kids outside of me? Or does it even matter?
There are a lot of times that I feel like this is all game playing - this decision making process. I hate it!
One of my daily marriage recovery emails comes from this guy named Mort Fertel (Marriage boot camp or something like that) - Today's message: I love you but I'm not in love with you" (sound familiar?)
He says a person who says this is making a distinction between 2 feelings but NEITHER of those feelings are love. He proposes that when a person says that they are saying that I CARE about you but I'm not EXCITED about you. CARING about someone is a good thing. It's reflective of CONCERN - but it's different than love. Being EXCITED about someone is also a good thing but it's different than love. Someone who says ILYBINILWY is expressing their confusion about what love really is and that's why they are having marital problems and maybe even an affair (because who are they IN LOVE with?)
Love, he says, is something we articulate in the vocabulary of ACTION - it is a verb rather than a feeling you get from another PERSON. It's an experience you receive as a result of DEEDS YOU DO for another person. And those deeds are not a secret. In other words, love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do with your spouse to solve your problems and build love in your marriage. He says that as a counselor when he hears ILYBINILWY his immediate response is to ask - Can you list for me 5 ways in the last week that you've demonstrated your love for your spouse? He usually hears grunts, partial statements, etc. but none of what passes as an answer. ILYBINILWY is a cop out that basically means that I have no clue how to make a relationship last LONG-TERM so I'm exiting to get high from another short-term romance. But whoever they're IN LOVE with now will also eventually hear, ILYBINILWY

If I believe this message then I need to continue to do things that demonstrate love? Is this different from being a doormat because of the fact that I'm in control of what I do and have no expectations that he will begin to demonstrate love for me? Just wondering..