going on 18 yrs of marriage, with two boys, 12 and 14, i can finally say that the sexual part of my marriage is dead--and it's been dead for at least 9-10 yrs.
i still have the libido of a teenager, and my wife still fills me with desire for her, yet i am to go on through this marriage being unable to touch her in a romantic, sexual, passionate manner. i truly feel that i have been completely emasculated: i will not go to her and wrap myself around her and tell her how beautiful she is, and how much i still love her, because i know that she will say,"ok, that's good, now can you please let me go/go away?!" as if i'm suffocating her.
nothing can be done. i tried everything. we have once a month sex--which i call her monthly maintanence--and then i don't have any sex until next month. i am rejected all of the time.
everthing else in the world is more important than to be with me sexually, romantically, intimately. there just is no room for her to be a wife: there's only room for her to be a mom and a career woman.
That kind of truth is really tough to face. I can hear the pain in your voice. But at least you've faced it. That's the first step towards either taking action to change your situation or learning to make peace with it. Have you thought about which you want to do?
That's so close to my story it's not even funny. In fact, as I started reading the first paragraph, I actually checked the headings to make sure it wasn't a post I had written a few years ago!
going on 18 yrs of marriage, with two boys, 12 and 14, i can finally say that the sexual part of my marriage is dead--and it's been dead for at least 9-10 yrs.
i still have the libido of a teenager, and my wife still fills me with desire for her, yet i am to go on through this marriage being unable to touch her in a romantic, sexual, passionate manner. i truly feel that i have been completely emasculated: i will not go to her and wrap myself around her and tell her how beautiful she is, and how much i still love her, because i know that she will say,"ok, that's good, now can you please let me go/go away?!" as if i'm suffocating her.
nothing can be done. i tried everything. we have once a month sex--which i call her monthly maintanence--and then i don't have any sex until next month. i am rejected all of the time.
everthing else in the world is more important than to be with me sexually, romantically, intimately. there just is no room for her to be a wife: there's only room for her to be a mom and a career woman.
I've been on these divorce and marriage forums for over 5 years now. What I have learned is pretty scarey. In cases like this or even menopause or ANY EXCUSE that can be used to get out of sex with the husband, in over 1/2 these cases the woman does not have sex with the husband because she is getting it from somewhere else.
The question is what are her friends doing? Alot of time this will give you the answer you need.
I also find it hard to believe that a woman who still has that sex attraction on her outer surface is not using it. We know she is getting that type of attention because of what she is putting out.
....going on 18 yrs of marriage, with two boys, 12 and 14, i can finally say that the sexual part of my marriage is dead--and it's been dead for at least 9-10 yrs.
....i tried everything.
....there just is no room for her to be a wife: there's only room for her to be a mom and a career woman.
I feel your pain and my heart goes out to you.
I was married for 38 years before I finally decided that things needed to change. For decades my wife had been angry with me for (in her mind) my not supporting her when our two children were young and she was an overwhelmed young mother.
What I learned through advice on this forum the MWD book SSM, Sue Johnson's Hold Me Tight, Chapman's book the Five Languages of Love, Robert Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy, John Gottman's the Seven Pricipals for Making a Marriage Work, and one incredibly skilled Sex Therapist was that my wife and I really loved each other, we just had driffed apart, she had deep feelings of anger toward me and we really didn't know how to express our love for each other in a way that made the other feel loved.
You say you have tried everything. Have you tried sex theapy with a board certified sex therapist? Have you tried either one of Sue Johnson's or John Gottman's Couples weekends (there are lots of other great programs)? In the spirit of MWD, what 180's have you tried with your wife? What accomplishments have you reached in your program to Get a Life (GAL)?
If you haven't tried all of the above, there still may be hope. I really thought that I was going to be either filing for divorce or doing a trial separation about now, when I joined this forum last winter. My wife and I are now closer than we have ever been. It has been emotionally hard on both of us, but we both feel it was worth the pain.
Don't give up hope.
Good luck to you and your family.
Last edited by Young at Heart; 06/28/1004:18 PM.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
I've been on these divorce and marriage forums for over 5 years now. What I have learned is pretty scarey. In cases like this or even menopause or ANY EXCUSE that can be used to get out of sex with the husband, in over 1/2 these cases the woman does not have sex with the husband because she is getting it from somewhere else.
In my case, I wouldn't consider that scary. If it were the case, then it would almost be a "refreshing" change of problem. No longer would it be a deep problem of her not being capable of enjoying sex, it would be a case of her feelings for me, which I think could be an easier problem to solve? Or at least different! If she wanted the other guy, wel then that sort of solves the problem and we both know we can move on and both be happy.
At this point, I wouldn't go to pieces if my wife "didn't love me". I know there are lots of other women out there who would, and I only need one of them.
I've been on these divorce and marriage forums for over 5 years now. What I have learned is pretty scarey. In cases like this or even menopause or ANY EXCUSE that can be used to get out of sex with the husband, in over 1/2 these cases the woman does not have sex with the husband because she is getting it from somewhere else.
In my case, I wouldn't consider that scary. If it were the case, then it would almost be a "refreshing" change of problem. No longer would it be a deep problem of her not being capable of enjoying sex, it would be a case of her feelings for me, which I think could be an easier problem to solve? Or at least different! If she wanted the other guy, wel then that sort of solves the problem and we both know we can move on and both be happy.
At this point, I wouldn't go to pieces if my wife "didn't love me". I know there are lots of other women out there who would, and I only need one of them.
With the right one you only need one. I guess it would be a refreshing change to actually know the truth and have true closure. Its why I tell people, "the truth doesn't hurt, its the lies".
What if the truth was for some odd reason your wife lost attraction and other parts of her love for you because you had gained some weight. It sounds petty but it happens, and if you lose the weight and when you are lighter her attraction returns and gets stronger.
Sometimes these things are like requirements, and the base level requirements where it has to be met.
We don't expect it in marriage, but sometimes thats how it is, and knowing this it does not hurt.
...Sometimes these things are like requirements, and the base level requirements where it has to be met.
...We don't expect it in marriage, but sometimes thats how it is, and knowing this it does not hurt.
I think those are very profound words. In my case, my wife expected a degree of my sharing the workload of kids & house and then wanted me to do all the chores I had done before plus build a career that would bring in lots of money. I can understand how she became overwhelmed and how that lead to resentment, but we should have discussed it before it destroyed our sex life.
Now that the kids have left home and are on their own and I am doing lots of stuff around the house, I am meeting her standards again.
Very profound words indeed.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
What if the truth was for some odd reason your wife lost attraction and other parts of her love for you because you had gained some weight. It sounds petty but it happens, and if you lose the weight and when you are lighter her attraction returns and gets stronger.
If it was that simple, I'd be fixing the problem right away. But in my case my wife had ever-changing and different excuses. When I had "fixed" one problem, say, by cleaning out the garage which she actually used as a reason for being upset and feeling unloving towards me, she then comes up with another excuse I hadn't heard before. Then I knew the problem wasn't just me.
As for putting on weight, I haven't. I've been about the same weight since my 20's. My wife even says I look "model good" in a suit. But nooOOOoooo sex. Yeah, figure that one out!
Quote:
Sometimes these things are like requirements, and the base level requirements where it has to be met.
In my case, whatever was good enough for her when we first met is apparently NO GOOD anymore! Her "base level requirements" went up into the stratosphere, or beyond our universe.
cozyp828, it's possible that your wife feels shame about her lack of being "womanly" towards you, but won't admit to it, and therefore doesn't want to discuss it. That possibility might give you some ideas about how to approach the problem.
It's helped my relationship, though not yet solved the sexual problem, by telling my wife that I don't think there is anything "wrong" with not wanting sex. Plenty of people are like that and they are fine. And, likewise, there is nothing wrong with desiring lots of sex. The only problem is when two people are so different in their desire for sex with each other.
