I tried, I changed, but still am getting divorced!

[newmama]

Yesterday, stbxh dropped S off and was visibly surprised to see his boxes of clothes and some pictures waiting for him. There was this one picture that I LOVE (and so does S) where he is an innocent little boy, about 10-11, with his wemeriner (sp!) dog. he is wearing acid wash jeans and a baseball cap. When we walk upstairs or down, S will always stop to look at that picture and touch it.

Interesting...wonder if he will put his family photos on the wall at THEIR place? There are a couple taken (I am not in them) at our house and at some places we went to.

And I haven't asked him if he wants any wedding photos, and he left the cards and love letters I have given him. I mean he still needs to sort through odds and ends in the office. So do I just put those momentos there? I don't feel strong enough to ask him "do you want these love letters?"

Now normally, if I didn't have a child, I would just burn or throw away the wedding photos....but after we were divorced. However, I know that S will want to see them! I have kept a tiny photo of my mom and bio dad's wedding. Just because- it's a reminder that they loved each other when they made me. And I look like my dad! I have one of my mom and stepdad (a few) because they were my parents growing up. And I just always want to remember them together. ????

So then stbxh was choking up, but swallowing to keep from showing. He was lingering for a long time, dragging out q's about S. He also took some of S stuff to a teen mom donation center for me, so I had to see him for a little longer.

But you know what? I didn't care. Seriously...I felt not angry, not sad, just acceptance maybe? I was casually telling him- you have plenty of shorts and summer shirts in there (he has been wearing these old shirts and stupid shorts).

And I wonder if he will have the same memory flashes I did when I was packing his clothes. Like this shirt I got him that was personalized for "stxh's flaming ass hot sauce" lol! I have some tacky tastes like I think T-shirts with some sayings and jokes like that are hilarious and so does he! (this shirt looked like a fake label to hot sauce)

I did something sneaky too...confession! I put on my perfume right before I was packing his stuff! So I had to hold the shirts against my chest to fold them and when he opens them he will smell it! Maybe OW too! I know he will wash them. But it made me feel good to do something silly like that!

I also noticed that he was trying to make eye contact with me A LOT while he was there, getting his stuff. And you know what? For the first time in a long time, I wanted to hug him and kiss him! ???? what is that all about?