Still not sure what is going on with her but I don't over react to these anymore.
No, you shouldn't OVER-react. But you do need to REACT.
Your marriage is continued to be threatened by an outside predator. You've made your boundaries known to your wife (not near as thoroughly or as forcefully as I would have wanted to see you do, but still, she CLEARLY knows this is not acceptable) in order for you to agree with her to try and work on the marriage, and yet she continues to violate your boundary.
If this is "whatever it takes," then she has a different definition than I do.
FFH, mark my words: if you don't enforce this boundary NOW, you will be cursing yourself for months and even years, as you continue to have these knots in your stomach. With a pyromaniac, it's not a question of "how much kerosene" you can allow them to have in the house, or "how many matches" you can abide.
