mish, I know how you feel cause I feel the same way. Right now, the one person sabotaging our effort is me and me alone. And of course it is again the choice between being right and entitled to the feelings of mistrust, anger, hurt etc and being happy by opening up a bit and letting the baggage in the past where they belong.
I have come to the conclusion that I cant force myself take huge steps forward but that I can stop allowing the past affecting my present so much.
It is possible that we get hurt again. And now we both know we can survive whatever comes our way. But we are also strong enough and capable to influence the situation because we are not naive anymore.
Only time will help trust come back. I've realised that. Only distance from the hurtful memories will make them weak and unable to ruin our present. Be patient. Turn on the charm, the best of Mischka that is, be the best partner you want to be and let things evolve... "What a ride!!!!" Hugs K
have you two finally ever rally talked things out about what happened with no finger pointing?
Umm...that is a big negatory good buddy. We talk about nothing. We both avoid, avoid, avoid. Very bad. Horrible. I want to talk but I'm scared to do so. He won't talk...about anything. Not about how he feels, what changed, why he went looking, nothing. I live in fear that whatever I did that caused all of this is going to happen again and since I have no idea what that is, I'll be completely shocked again.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Tell me this....why am I so scared? Why can't I just lay it all out on the table to Gabe and let him do with it whatever he wants? It's on the tip of my tongue and I can't spit it out. My throat literally closes up. It doesn't help that I see him a grand total of about 30 minutes a day so there is not much time to sit down and have any kind of serious discussion except in the middle of the night. It may have to be at some crazy hour but then he'll be tired and not receptive to anything I have to say.
Grrrr....I'm frustrating myself. It makes me very angry with myself that I am such a danged wimp.
Have you considered that maybe the time hasn't been right? At some point you will have to talk, but maybe that point isn't right there yet? Guys think things through rather than talk them through. We women on the other hand NEED to talk (or we'll burst).
I think what is most important right now is that he IS thinking. He had to have time alone to come home and cry and apologize to you. He had to think it through.
Remember another thing, Mish, counselors only know what we are telling them, from our perspective. They haven't heard and don't know the other person's perspective. Her professional opinion is that you need to lay it on the line right now. But its only her opinion. She isn't the one you want to grow a relationship with - your H is.
Your S isn't a little child. You can talk to him and tell him that you honestly don't know what is going to happen but that you are both trying. HE would of course want his family put back together, but he is not stupid. Kids are far more observant than we think.
I think when it is time for that talk that you will know. When it is time you won't be afraid, you will just know it is time. No need to throw down the gauntlet before you, or he, are ready.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Mish, in my experience on this BB it is very rare that a WAS is willing to sit down and talk about the A. They would like to sweep it under the carpet because they did the bad thing and obviously figure they're gonna take the brunt of the finger pointing. Also, the most feared words in the English language for guys is "lets talk about the R"! It's really hard to let go and know whether to bring it up or not is appropriate. It makes you anxious! You know things need to be talked about but you don't want to push too hard too early. It's a tough choice. Can you follow OT's suggestion that you just lay low for a bit? Maybe use this as a way to work on containing your own anxiety. Personally, I'd be just as confused as you are right now. Keep posting your thoughts!
Give yourself time to work up to it. To plan out what you want to say. To think about exactly what you want to ask for.
It's hard to let someone back in. I struggle with that a bit even in a new R where he wasn't the one who betrayed me. I still haven't figured out everything that caused XH to have his As, and I definitely worry I'll repeat mistakes that I don't know about. But I try and stay focused on building a better R, working on communication, making time for date nights.
Be patient with yourself too. You are a wonderful person who has been hurt but it working through her issues. You have come SO far! Don't lose sight of that.
You deserve everything. You'll get there eventually, whether it's with Gabe or not.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Surprises every day, I swear! Who is this person that is living with me?
In so many ways he's exactly the same. In others...not so much. Case in point....
Hi, my name is Michelle and I'm a Twihard. Those of you who are not enlightened, that is a person who LOVES the Twilight series. I have read all the books twice and can quote the movies virtually word for word. Sick, I know. I was milliseconds from going to a 12:30a showing of Eclipse last night but decided that was just insane since I had to be at work this morning and needed to function. LOL. I refuse to wait past tonight to see it though. My fellow Twihards are all out of town right now so I had no one to go with. Marc had said he would go with me but he whimped out on me today and said he'll just wait for the DVD. I joked to Gabe about it and he said he would go with me if I wanted to go before my friends get back in town. WTH???? He poo poo's the movies and books. Thinks they are totally ridiculous and stupid and yet he is willing to go with me so I don't have to go alone? I told him I wouldn't do that to him and he said that we would like to go with me.
Who in the heck is this? Don't get me wrong, I appreciate him going with me since the show isn't until 9:55p tonight and that means a late night but not crazy late. Still, I don't relish driving home that distance (about 15 miles) by myself that late so I appreciate him going.
Just an oddity.`
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
A very sweet oddity.:) Good for you and for him. Sometimes you do things you don't enjoy because you know the other person will enjoy them...which then makes you happy. Strange but true!
A very sweet oddity.:) Good for you and for him. Sometimes you do things you don't enjoy because you know the other person will enjoy them...which then makes you happy. Strange but true!
