Riding the emotional rollercoaster again this weekend. Picked up a bunch more books the other day, DB to compliment DR, one about dealing with anger in relationships( trying to gain insight into her chronic anger problem), one about ILYBINILY and the 5 languages of love (Mens Edition). Also got a couple with duplicates for my daughter, one copy for each house so I can read her a bedtime story over the phone. Not sure if WAW will co-operate with that or not nor how she'll respond when asked to assist DD. Im sure it will be met with some level of annoyance or sarcasm ( oopps there I go "mind reading " again).
I've had the kids since Friday night. Weds and Thurs evenings were the WORST as far as the house being empty and Im DREADING this FALL when DD goes back to school and the every other week arrangement ends, maybe thats something that can be renegotiated with the help of DD's counselor ? WAW has them for most of the day today so I can take care of some school/employment related stuff and then I'll still have them with me every day/night till the third week of July.
Took DD ( almost 6 and DS almost 9 mos) to the lake Sat night to fish, ( another thing I NEVER did before the Bomb). Was VERY proud of DD and her excitement of being able to cast her own line, she was very happy about that accomplishment. Hope she catches something soon before she gets discouraged though.
Took DD and DS over to my Dad and Stepmom's yesterday to go swimming since its been like 90 plus for almost a week straight. DD is part fish and loves to swim, and it was the first time I got to see my DS in the water so I was trying hard to have fun and enjoy it, but kept getting bombarded with mental images of the fact that WAW is not there. Taking the kids swimming is something we ALWAYS did as a family Im also realizing everyday just how difficult it is to do stuff while taking care of a 9 mo old !
Even just writing this I can feel myself choking up, although the water works wont quite come.
WAW confides in my Stepmother and SM and I have had a previous history of a contentious relationship in the past ( LONG AGO ). But she really blew me away a few years ago when we lived in Florida. They had just come for a visit, just before DD's 1st Bday and wife wound up in the hospital less then 48 hours after they left. SM immediately turned around and flew back down to help take care of DD until W was back home.
But I have great fear that since SM divorced her H and married my Dad, and since we have a rocky history, that she would be telling WAW that the best thing for the kids is to walk instead of try. So I figured I'd better try to reach out. We talked for awhile, I made sure to start off by thanking her for what she had done several years ago ( coming back to Florida ) if I hadnt already said it. Explained my fears that she might inadverntantly(based on SM's own failed marriage with kids) be influincing WAW by being her sounding board ( NO penalties from WAW's perspective, as my Dad and SM have still treated her like everything is fine)
SM denied, said she doesnt offer advice, just listens, nothing more.
When I explained to SM that everything I had been reading was that unless there is physical abuse or drugs, seperation ALWAYS negatively effects the children, my concerns were realized when she countered that her oldest son ( one of my 3 step brothers) told her his mom and dad splitting up was the best thing that ever happened to him!
SM related that the biggest thing WAW was looking for was stability for the kids. We have been struggling for a LONG time, at least the last three years. A series of jobs for me that from outward appearances held great promise but once on the inside were not all they were billed as and didnt pay nearly enough. This meant moving three times over the last few years, still in the same town/area. But always trying to find something we could handle. When the recession/depression hit, things just got worse. My entire adult work history is in sales or construction related fields, the two worst possible fields to have experience in given the state of the economy.
This resulted in my constantly trying to stay one step ahead of the bill collectors,utilities,food,etc juggling and sometimes dropping things in the process, which eventually led to being forced to file for bankruptcy. NONE of this was anything the WAW was in the dark about ( although I will say we NEVER talked about budgeting and she had NO CLUE we were losing money every month). But to hear her say it now,it was ALL just me being irresponsible and not being a "man" and providing for her and our children.
Hurts ALOT to hear that from her, when the reality is I was doing everything I could think of, there just wasnt any work that wouldnt have been totally eaten up in childcare expenses. We had even discussed that economically it made more sense for me to stay home with the kids and collect unemployment then it did to take a minimum wage job. Now apparently she resents that whole sitch, or the OM has twisted it around in her mind.
One clue that I recalled from several weeks ago was the WAW asking me "where do you see yourself in three years ?" She had NEVER asked me that before and it happens to dovetail in exactly with when her and the OM twins turn 18. Only re enforcing my belief that there may in fact be something still there, but she wont verbalize it and is hoping like hell I can get things together and on the right track and show her stability with in that time frame. There are any number of reasons I can think of why she wouldnt want to come right out and say it.
