Spouse Suffering From Depression

[Lucky11too]

I'm still feeling a little up and down. H came over on Monday like he said he would for dinner and it just went really great. I have never seen him like this...he brought over S a super cute elephant toy, played with S outside, actually helped me with dinner (to my complete shock b/c when we were married he used to mock me when I asked him to help saying "what, you need me to hold your hand while you cook" - yeah, I know, jerk status), was talking about how he's been real in to cleaning (yeah, hardly lifted a finger when we were living together), offered to go pick up a new cell phone for me (which extends our contract together by another 2 years) and then read stories to S when it was time to go to bed (really exagerated and funny - it was too cute). That night, i just thought - this is it - we're finally here! So like I said, great night.

The rest of the week has been kind of blah though. We've texted back and forth a good amount, but I was a little bummed out that he hadn't tried to see me since Monday. It's so rare that he has time off for work, I was hoping he would make the most of it. But I know we're really not ready to jump back in to seeing each other all the time either, so I let it go, but it still would have been nice. So, tonight, he went back to work, so I'm sure things we'll get back to "normal" now. We lived the little fairy tale while I nursed him back to health, so we'll see what "real life"" holds now. I'm honestly trying not to get my hopes up too much right now, but I know a part of me already has and that's hard to control. I just got to keep reminding myself to take it one day at a time and keep playing it smart!

Besides H, work has just been killing me. It's actually worse then tax season right now, with the amount of stuff that's being loaded on to me. The keep acquiring new projects (2 in the past month!) which just keeps adding to my plate. I'm trying to manage it the best I can, but I have to admit, I'm feeling super stressed. Hopefully, I can get caught up and then it can all die down for awhile. (So yes, as you can see, I haven't been posting as much, b/c I used to come on at work in the morning or at my breaks, but I'm too busy to even take those right now! Arrrggg).

Weekend should be good though. H is supposed to come over for pizza tomorrow night, then I'm going to a grad party on Sat, then father's day on Sunday. For that, I'll be with my dad all morning at church (they always have their annual father's day car show - I know S will love it!), then lunch in the afternoon, and then prob see H's family that night.

[awest1217]

It is good that you are staying grounded because you never know what "real life" will bring. Hopefully H will continue his good progress. Some of the silliness could be because he is finally starting to feel better. It will take a while for big progress to be made, but just getting good sleep will give him extra energy which means more playing with S.

Sorry about work. It always stinks when work is so stressful because it makes life so difficult.

Enjoy your weekend and I hope all goes well.

[Lucky11too]

I'm still just feeling so overwhelmed. There is just so much going on, I don't even have time to get on the computer (for fun) anymore. So, to catch up on recent events from the weekend, H came over for Friday night pizza as planned. That went pretty well. He was running late (as always) but at least he got there. It's always a little ackward because H doesn't dislike my parents anymore, but on the other hand, doesn't want to do things with them either. I'm used to watching tv with them at night after S goes to bed, but H wants to watch tv away from them in my room. It's not that I don't like us time, but family is super to me too and I don't like how he always hides from them (C'mon, you can't give up 1 hr to watch tv with them and then we can have us time?). The rest of the night H ended up on the computer. He has this new desire to fix up his truck. It's good he is finally finding something he cares about and is interested in again (since before he didn't care about anything and anyone in the midst of his depression), but I guess it's his ADD that gets him totally stuck on an idea too. He spent the whole Friday night then most of Saturday day on the computer looking at special tires, rims, lights, etc. (Such an idiot! He's going to get his dad to pay his rent "b/c he was off work for the surgery" so that he can spend his extra money that he got from his move, on his car stuff. No sense of responsibility!) But my biggest complaint was that he was spending so much time on the computer, that he totally missed out on playing with S. In a bit of irony, we was just saying how he is going to tell his job that they need to hire an additional manager, b/c he no longer wants to work Sunday and Monday nights (and pick up more day shifts). His reasoning for this is that all the family gatherings are on Sunday's, so he always misses all of them...and he feels like he is missing out on S growing up. Thank you! Finally! But then when he has the chance to be with S, he's on the computer all day! Exasberating! My dad made a comment that if I needed help, that I needed to ask H and get him off the computer. I said I was fine and I didn't need help, but it made me tear up b/c I knew he was right. I just don't know what battles to take on right now. I know he is still "sick" and it's going to take a while for him to heal, so I struggle with knowing what is part of his ADD that will hopefully get better (which I won't fight with him on now), and what is him that needs to be addressed as appropriate behaviors.

Father's day went ok. H was not able to get the day off, so he mentioned that maybe he would come over after work so he could be there in the morning with S. I mentioned that we were going to the church car show in the morning (aka going to church), so then he changed his mind ("I'm not a chuch going guy" he said). Blah. Church is still going to be a huge issue with us! =/ He eneded up coming over after church and having lunch with us. Unfortunately when he got there, S was napping, and then after lunch, H said he was just too tired and so took his own nap. I tried to get him up when S got up, but he said he was too tired. Finally, both were up and we ran by the inlaws for a quick bit before H had to go to work.

Oh, last interesting something to note. So H was talking to me about OW1. He said she is putting in her 2 weeks notice. Yay! Finally! I hope that means good riddens to her! Then H was telling me that when he went back to work on Thursday, he kept catching OW1 staring at him (yes, H does look good b/c he lost a bit of weight after the surgery). He caught her, so he messed with her and says "Stop undressing me with your eyes". Her response, "sorry, I haven't seen you in a long time" (or something like that). Doesn't even deny it! I called H on that (b/c he has never admitted to me before that she liked him - I've always told him that there was something going on between them or attraction on one side or the other and he has always denied it. And on the other hand, what else don't I know about their past). He said that of course she is attracted to him, that all the girls are attracted to him b/c he's their boss. Ok, can his head get any biggger? Whatever. I'm 99% sure he doesn't feel anything for OW1 (at least not anymore), but the whole conversation still just made me feel a little uneasy. It just makes me feel that one way or another, I'll always be fighting girls off of him for the rest of my life. Not very encouraging. =/

See, it's hard, I don't know what to make of it all. In some ways it seems like he is drawing to me and only to me, but on the other hand, he does things that are just so frustrating! Like I said, I'm trying to give it time and see where it goes, but I'm just still not sure I'm liking the person who I think he's become, and I don't know what you do with that. =/ I just don't ever want to have a repeat of these past 2 years ever again. The question is - can he be the H that I need him to be?

[awest1217]

I don't think you will really know until he tells you that he wants to be with you again. There are some positives and at least in your sitch there is some progress instead of complete back peddling by my H (I remember last year at this time he saw S three days a week and now maybe once a month). I do think that you need to do like your dad said and start setting boundaries with H. It seems that he is less tired when around you, probably because he is sleeping better at night, but you have to start now letting him know what you expect so it isn't sprung on him. You don't have to be mean, but ask H to get off the computer to play with S or help you is not mean. You can say it nicely.

Really think about what you want out of the R and who you want him to be because as his mind heals, you need those expectations to be set before he learns something different and those connections are made in his brain, but also so he doesn't feel you changed your expectations all the time. Set them to what you want and try not to settle for less, at least when he is around you. Like he needs to be with your parents for a bit or be with H and not on the computer. Don't be his mother, but tell him nicely, H please come play with S while I do... or H please feed S while I .... or H please watch TV with mom and dad for this show and then we can watch something else together in my room.

Just some thoughts, but you are still doing great! 1/2 the year is over so who knows what will happen with the second half.

[Lucky11too]

So the saga continues...it's amazing how fast things can change. One minute your dreaming about a possible vows renewal ceremony and the next your planning your custody agreement. We had a good week texting, flirting, and H even came over on Wed for dinner, but everything changed last night. I'm beginning to think it was a loaded question to begin with, but yesterday H asked if it would work for him to come over after work on Saturday night. I said it could, but with him getting there so late and us having church in the morning, Friday would work better. He says nevermind maybe next week, so I ask it he has plans Friday night. He responds that he wants to go out with his guy friends. Fine that's his choice, so I don't say anything back. About an hour later, I get a text from H saying, "but I understand, church is more important than me". Whoa, are you serious??? Unbelievable. I started fuming! I told him not to play that game with me that I could play the same game and say that obviously his friends are more important than me b/c he rather hang out with them than me on Friday (and the thing about church too, is that it wouldn't even affect "his" time with us b/c we would be back before he even wakes up. Then he starts playing the "u left me card" and I just let him know that if he wants us in his lives permanently, then he knows what to do. Then he completely starts attacking me about church and let me know that S would NOT be attending church every other week at least (reference to his custody of S). Ok, there's his decision I guess, so I let him know I understood where he stands and I'm going to bed. Good night. (I had unsucessfully tried to defuse the situation, but I wasn't going to keep with the back and forth game anymore) The end, right??? No, of course not...

A few hours later, I get a text from H that says (it's that good that I have to copy it over with my comments inserted):
"Friday isn't our only time. It's the only time you are willing to give. (Uh, actually it is - it's the only night neither of us has to work.) I have been at odds w/ church ever since I have gotten to know your parents. I agree w/ the moral compass but not the teachings word by word. And it pisses me off that u tell me u turned to god to ask what u should do about us. F- that! I want my wife to want me, not to be told by some higher power. Do you live by the bible word for word? Why not? (I think I try to, but no one is perfect or sinless). Why do u only do what is convenient for u? I'm so over this, divorce me and marry your parents and church since u follow both so blindly. (Wow, that was cruel.) I'll tell u where I live, but you are not wlecome over. I have worked hard to get a piece of my own life after u screwed me over so bad (really, all my fault, huh?) The older S gets, the more he needs his daddy in his life (Actually, I think he could do w/o this crazy man, please!) I can't do us anymore. I can't forgive u for leaving me. I don't agree w/ your parents. And I have grown to hate church. I'm super attracted to u, but I can't dwell on that forever."

So, yeah, what else can I say. I read it last night, but I had no desire to get into it (or pick up the other end of the rope as they say), so I never responded. This morning I just texted that we should talk later. Wow, huh? That was pretty brutal! I guess I knew a D was inevitable, but for a moment there, I had hope that we would make it. I'm fine though - I'm just a little frustrated and angry about his comments, but I haven't shed one tear over this yet. Most likely, this is just one of his depression swings (which still is not fair to me b/c he becomes basically emotionally abusive, wouldn't u say?), but he's right tho, that we are completely divided b/c of church and there's no reconciliation in sight for that. I guess I could just keep pushing off the inevitable, but when it comes down to it, that's the truth. Sigh...

[awest1217]

Man that is hard! But good job not continuing with him that takes a lot of discipline.

If I were you, I would just leave him alone for a while, and see what happens. You need to set a boundary that you understand that you made some hurtful decisions, but he continually puts his job, friends, and drinking before his family so you don't need to put up with it. In a marriage that falls apart, both parties are at fault. You have owned up to your faults and you shouldn't have to continually say you are sorry when you are trying to do better and he isn't. It is not ok for him to be rude to you all the time.

Right now he is thinking every other weekend, which is probably going to happen if you D, but he may not get as much time as he is thinking, especially with his hours and drinking. The courts are not going to take to H having him when he won't be there since he works nights. The courts always want the child to be with a parent so S would end up with you while H works, which means you would be able to take him to church sundays no problem. Honestly, he will lose that. He may get Friday nights, but he works Saturdays so I doubt the courts would let him have him when you can have him instead of a babysitter.

Just give it some time...maybe he will apologize (he has done that on occasion before) so just wait and see, but don't dwell on him right now and wait for him to text you if possible.

[Lucky11too]

Not surprising, but haven't heard one word from H since "the text". I'm sure since he went out with the guys last night, he probably resorted back to his old ways of "self-medicating" to deal with all his sorrows of life. Woe is him. Please. (I tend to always think the worse about what H is doing, but normally, it's not unfounded) It's unfortunate tho that he has backtracked so much b/c he was making so much improvement - cut back on drinking to a min, starting to work out, better outlook on life, finding joy in life again, etc, but I know it's all part of the cycle (that will hopefully end soon as his brain heals). So we'll see what happens. His whole threats of the end could be for real this time or life could return to "normal" again as he comes out of the cycle...hard to say. It's hard to guess with him. Sometimes he does apologize when I never think he will and sometimes, he just holds to his guns. Blah. I think you're right about the weekend custody tho, but at this point, I don't even want to really think about him having any custody!

It's been a difficult weekend. S has really started in on his terrible 2's and well...has been terrible! It feels like it's been non-stop tamtrums and no's. It's frustrating, but I'm just trying to stick with it and not let him get away with it all. He's also been fighting his afternoon naptime, so we've been having that argument as well. But hopefully, he'll just take a break from it all, so we can have some good times together. It's exhausting for me and I know it's got to be exhausting for him too. Ugggg.

[awest1217]

With S, try to tell him what he can do instead of what he can't do. I have found that it has helped with my S a lot. He right now is really stubborn so it doesn't work as well, but for a while I could easily get him doing something else that I approved of so we didn't have many tantrums. As for the nap, I don't know when you put him down, but maybe do a little later one? I am sure you already do this but make sure you do the same routine like reading a story or something like that before nap time.

I was a daycare worker for 3-5 year olds for 5 years during college so I understand the tantrums and the not wanting to take a nap, but if everyone is consistent he will get over this stage. He just wants to learn his independence and you have to fight him, otherwise...it will be worse later in life. He has to know you are the parent and it is exhausting so I completely understand, but you are doing a great job and keep it up!

As far as custody there was one more thing I heard probably a year ago, but somewhere there was a family where the noncustodial parent wanted to take their child to church every sunday. The custodial parent didn't want to, but since the kid had been going and the other custodial parent never went anywhere, the courts ruled that it was better for the child to go to church than not go to church so the noncustodial parent got to take his child to church every sunday no matter what. This was a Jehovah Witness family and I am not sure if it was here in IN, or somewhere else, but some good encouragement for that part.

Hang in there. The year is already over half-way done

[Lucky11too]

Thanks, I really appreciate those tips for S as someone who has just been there. S is already showing lots of stubborness, but definitely have to out an end (or least a limit) on these tantrums. For naps, I tried pushing S's nap back to almost 2 today and he went right now, so we'll stick with that and see how it goes.

Very inspirational story. I hate to think of S having to deal with H's refusal for church every other week (or whenever he has him).

So, some updates on H. He did finally text me last night to ask about what our plans were today, so he could come see S today. I love how he phrased his question tho - "what are u doing tomorrow after your first priority" (aka church). What a jerk. I ignored his stupid jab, and just let him know our plans. He came over today...well, I'll have to come back to the rest of the story in a bit, b/c S just woke up from his nap. More to come...

[Lucky11too]

So to continue on, H came over this afternoon and took S and I out to brunch (after church of course). We put S down for his nap, and H says he wants to use the computer. I let him but kind of went into the other room and ignored him. I come back and he's totally checking me out and texts me the comment (yes, I'm sitting right next to him) "btw, when I come over can you try not to look so good" (him trying to flirt, me rolling my eyes). I was not having it so it opened up some conversation about how H was upset that I would not let him come over last night and how I put church in front of him and that I could apologize whenever I want (half joking serious). It gave me the opportunity to say back, that yes I understand he gets up and down and gets angry but that it is not ok for him to lash out at me and say hurtful things. His comeback was that his therapist told him he should tell his feelings. I reminded him that things like I can't do us, I can't forgive you, let's divorce etc are not necessarily his true emotions (but told him it they were, then ok, let's go with it - not really, but just was just trying to make a point), but more of feelings at the moment, that when said to me are hurtful. I never know what gets thru to him, but I just hope something does. I guess we are kind of "ok" right now, but I'm still feeling angry at him.

Actually, really angry and almost feeling hatred towards him. He just doesn't get it. He can make me the bad guy any day, but he can go out and do what he wants. He was telling me this story at lunch (honestly, for his own good, sometimes he needs to learn when he should not be so open) about how it was OW1's best friends last day at work today and OW1's last day will be next Thursday (thank goodness!) So anyways, OW1's BFF got 2 tickets to the MLB baseball (our local team is the Angels) and invited H to go (this is the girl that got married last October and got it annulled a month later). Keep in mind this is Thursday night - night of our breakdown. Ok, I understand from H that she is just a friend, but it's still not ok for him to be going out with a member of the opposite sex PERIOD! This frustrates the heck out of me that H does get this (or does but just choses to ignore it). So she drank to much and couldn't drive home, and H didn't want to drive her home so texts OW1 to come pick up her BFF. OW1 says she can't b/c her S is sleeping and this starts a whole huge fight (H saying how she left her S before to go out to the bars with him, her saying back well you're no father of the year, etc) Yeah, crazy. H ended up taking OW1's BFF home, but part of me wonders if our whole breakdown was related from his frustrations from this, plus his own alcohol intake (he swears it was minor but any amount can influence you). And he said besides, nothings changed in the 3 days and he still feels the same way about church (but is trying to distance hiself from the rest of his harsh words and only focusing on the church issue. Very convenient.)

See you can tell why I'm so frustrated. He just doesn't get it. He is the most selffish man I have EVER met. Oh, and can you believe what he said when I told him that Friday was the only day we had to be together, he's still pushing saturday night (after his work) saying that I could just take a nap on Sunday then while S naps. Oh so thoughtful of him. Ug.

My mom just came in and talked me down...feeling a little less hostile now. She just reminded me that God is in control, just to take one day at a time, and remember that this is just the beginning of H's healting process - it will take time! On that better note - it's bed time! Good night!