The journey begins

[ClingingToHope]

More rounds of pain today -- and I had to bail for a while. It was a very busy day. We made it to church. Dropped their friend off after a two-day sleepover. Bought a present for a party, took D7 to the party. D11 and I swam for 90 minutes until party was over then we went to get some ice cream before they were to go to vacation bible school.

Of course, the vacation bible school was at STBXW's mom's church. It's the church we got married in. So I prepared myself for that.

When we get there I see the MIL. I knew I would. She's enabling STBXW, but I don't blame her, it's her daughter and she can't say no to any of them.

But then STBXW shows up and I didn't expect her. I didn't look at her. Just filled out paperwork but then I looked at her hand. No bandage. No injury. It was just a BS story for the kids.

She left eventually and I was supposed to stay and have dinner with the kids. The kids sat with their groups though and I was just there alone with my thoughts and I couldn't help it, my eyes were misting up. The lady who is running the camp lives next door to MIL and said I didn't have to stay, they'd watch the kids. So I told the girls I was going to a friend's house.

Right before leaving, D7 ran up to me and said "Daddy, mommy said (the Realtor) liked the changes so the house is up for sale. We're going to sell the house, buy a new one and I'll get a new room."

I spent the next 90 minutes on the phone with friends and then eating at another friend's house. Then I played a softball game with another friend who lives in our neighborhood and noticed a guy was mowing my yard. I told him the story and he said, "dude, you just got to move on."

I feel like a chump. I feel like I've been being lied to for at least a year. Or I was just ignoring every sign blindly. I wish I had the strength to leave her years ago when I realized what a cold-hearted person she is. But I made a pact or promise to fight the good fight thinking in the end effort would win out.

Yes. It will get better. I will get better. I will find someone better. It just hurts today and it hurts a lot.

Funny, today was baptism Sunday at the church and about 500 just handed their sins over to God. If we didn't have such a busy day scheduled I would have done so. I was pretty motivated. STBXW and I never had a strong foundation for marriage. Certainly, neither of us really believed in God and that the commitment we were making was sacred. The foundation was that we were so into each other. I so want to feel that again, but I'm terrified of it as well. I need to find someone whose intellect I respect, my equal, I never really respected STBXW and honestly I still don't. I was just so physically in love with her.

I'm a mess. I'm going to bed.