I tried, I changed, but still am getting divorced!

[ImprovedRomeo]

CW, good analogy with the noose... seriously, it makes sense.

[Babydoll]

CW, good analogy with the noose... seriously, it makes sense.

Totally make sense...

I need to let the rope go, I am currently strangling my WH!

[Gardener]

Babydoll,

why do some give up and others keep fighting? The question should have been what makes some decide to let go of the rope and others to keep hanging on?

Maybe b/c for those of us hanging on we know that our marriage is worth fighting for! because we truly believe that you, me, us LBS and our WAS (in their pre-alien state of mind) do have the love and passion and friendship and drive to get to the next step. It's because we have a strange voice/urge/signs/calling/something that tells us NOT to give up!
For me it's the nagging voice in my head and my heart that will not give up even when the easy and logical thing to do is give in and let it ride itself out! In my sitch i feel like my WH shows too much confusion, as your WH recently said to you regarding the D papers, too. Are we naive to believe that maybe we could be a success story on here... dont we deserve to be? Shouldnt we give it a chance? If we walked away and took what was handed to us so easily wouldnt that make us as weak as our WAS, who left us instead of fighting through the feelings?

It doesnt make us bad people to still have hope... does it?

When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
~Author Unknown

An absolutely heartening, noble post!

[awest1217]

However I think some people "hang on" for different reasons. In my case, I would have to file because H doesn't want to file, but he doesn't want to work on things either. He just wants to hang with OW all the time and see S and I once a month maybe twice...

I hang on because of S. I don't want S to have to go back and forth especially for the last 15 months he has never had to do that. I wanted to start the back and forth last summer, but H didn't want to do that really because he wanted to live his carefree, spontaneous bachelor lifestyle with a married OW who is still married, so no room for S.

It is so hard with a small child to let go of the rope completely because you have to talk to the WAS. You can't rely on your child to fill you in or give them a hug then send them in to their other parent. You have to fill the WAS in and let them know what is going on. If the WAS is trying to be an active parent, which seems rare, but does happen, then you have to talk to the WAS about your child. You never get to be "free". I think that is what is so hard; separating the parent from the love and R since you have to share your most precious possession with them, your child.

For me, since I have dropped the rope more and more, and finally completely let go almost a week ago, H has had no contact at all with me, not even to know about S. I don't think unless his parents do something, he will ever see S again. Maybe that is another fear, that letting go will hurt the R with the children. Who knows, but at some point we all have to detach enough that we can move on without having the nagging hope that he/she will change their minds.

[newmama]

It is so hard with a small child to let go of the rope completely because you have to talk to the WAS. You can't rely on your child to fill you in or give them a hug then send them in to their other parent. You have to fill the WAS in and let them know what is going on. If the WAS is trying to be an active parent, which seems rare, but does happen, then you have to talk to the WAS about your child. You never get to be "free". I think that is what is so hard; separating the parent from the love and R since you have to share your most precious possession with them, your child.[/quote]

YES. I am happy for S that stbxh is a regular part of his life. But if we had the traditional every other weekend, Wed night father visitation, it would be easier for ME to detach. (I think?) but having a child is not about our needs!!

[quote]For me, since I have dropped the rope more and more, and finally completely let go almost a week ago, H has had no contact at all with me, not even to know about S. I don't think unless his parents do something, he will ever see S again. Maybe that is another fear, that letting go will hurt the R with the children. Who knows, but at some point we all have to detach enough that we can move on without having the nagging hope that he/she will change their minds.

NAGGING hope is right....and awest, I hope you are wrong and that S will see his dad again. So sad!

[newmama]

continue everyday ot bare the pain of coparenting with exH. To listen to my 2.5 year old talk about OW, her coming home with ehr nails painted from her, the NH trip they are taking ot a friends house together which I can't do anything about because i am working that weekend.I deal with my daughter sometimes slipping and calling me OW's name, which stings like hell, but I realize is just a mistake.

HOLY CRAP!!!! THIS IS TORTURE! (((Gabbysmom))) I am not looking forward to this stuff. I bet it would help me to be so angry at stbxh that I would drop hope in a second! Maybe that is what has helped you ??? sadly!! grrrr!

In the end, I know I am the one responsible for teaching my daughter morals and values, and I can only do that by being a strong woman and not let a man treat me like crap and show her how to repect herself as a woman, something her father and his soon to be wife are incapable of teaching my daughter. t is us who are responsible now for teaching our children right from wrong and self respect.

YES and for modeling a healthy relationship when we meet someone fit to be a good stepparent to our kids! And what to explain to them when they get older???

[newmama]

Yesterday, stbxh dropped S off and was visibly surprised to see his boxes of clothes and some pictures waiting for him. There was this one picture that I LOVE (and so does S) where he is an innocent little boy, about 10-11, with his wemeriner (sp!) dog. he is wearing acid wash jeans and a baseball cap. When we walk upstairs or down, S will always stop to look at that picture and touch it.

Interesting...wonder if he will put his family photos on the wall at THEIR place? There are a couple taken (I am not in them) at our house and at some places we went to.

And I haven't asked him if he wants any wedding photos, and he left the cards and love letters I have given him. I mean he still needs to sort through odds and ends in the office. So do I just put those momentos there? I don't feel strong enough to ask him "do you want these love letters?"

Now normally, if I didn't have a child, I would just burn or throw away the wedding photos....but after we were divorced. However, I know that S will want to see them! I have kept a tiny photo of my mom and bio dad's wedding. Just because- it's a reminder that they loved each other when they made me. And I look like my dad! I have one of my mom and stepdad (a few) because they were my parents growing up. And I just always want to remember them together. ????

So then stbxh was choking up, but swallowing to keep from showing. He was lingering for a long time, dragging out q's about S. He also took some of S stuff to a teen mom donation center for me, so I had to see him for a little longer.

But you know what? I didn't care. Seriously...I felt not angry, not sad, just acceptance maybe? I was casually telling him- you have plenty of shorts and summer shirts in there (he has been wearing these old shirts and stupid shorts).

And I wonder if he will have the same memory flashes I did when I was packing his clothes. Like this shirt I got him that was personalized for "stxh's flaming ass hot sauce" lol! I have some tacky tastes like I think T-shirts with some sayings and jokes like that are hilarious and so does he! (this shirt looked like a fake label to hot sauce)

I did something sneaky too...confession! I put on my perfume right before I was packing his stuff! So I had to hold the shirts against my chest to fold them and when he opens them he will smell it! Maybe OW too! I know he will wash them. But it made me feel good to do something silly like that!

I also noticed that he was trying to make eye contact with me A LOT while he was there, getting his stuff. And you know what? For the first time in a long time, I wanted to hug him and kiss him! ???? what is that all about?

[gatsby11]

Ha ha, I love the perfume thing.

So then stbxh was choking up

So aggravating. As if this is just as difficult for them as it is for us. Sorry, I know my WH will be like this when/if we get to this point.

Glad that you were detached enough to not care. That's great!

[Mystik]

Lots of good points about dropping the rope and what makes a person able to do so. I guess it boils down to there is no right or wrong way to go through this process, just your own way.

[WhatNow]

Why is he acting like you did the tossing?

I thought you might enjoy this excerpt from Gods Little Lessons:

To let go doesn't mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.

To let go is not to cut myself off, it's the realization that I don't control another.

To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To let go is not to care for, but to care about.

To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To let go is not to be protective, but to permit another to face reality.

To let go is not to deny, but to accept.

To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To let go is not to criticize and regulate, but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more...