That's true EC - what Allen says. Less dramatics involved if you wait until after the move to send something.
I'm proud of you and how you are taking a stand for yourself and your daughter! It gives me strength seeing another strong woman. I'll tell ya, personally, I'm sitting here thinking there's no way I can go through several years of this crap... that I'll just tell H to go ahead and file and be done with it if he keeps all this up! I can't fathom it going on endlessly yet I know I have to have patience - that it doesn't get fixed overnight.
I find it helps if I have a strategy in place for my weaker moments, whether it's someone to call or email or a book to read or a prayer to say - whatever. Anything but to succumb to despair.
Sunny the LAST thing you want to do is tell your H to FILE.. If you both want to save your marriage you set an example by NOT talking divorce or reccomending it... waywards see divorce as an escape from teh pain, but its NOT...
It is as painful and laborous to END a marriage as it is to rebuild one... why go through all the pain and work of a divorce when you can put that engergy into repairing the marriage instead?
NEVER advocate divorce unless YOU WANT it... NEVER
Don't send him anything until you have moved out...
I will tomorrow afternoon. He's going to be out visiting the male friend I mentioned earlier.. I'll be over at rental with DD, and I plan to pack up some stuff in the morning and head over there to set up. Hopefully his friend will talk to him about how this is all so wrong, and then he'll get hit with a double whammy when he gets home.
I showed MIL the separation agreement I worked on (using free online tools). It almost made her cry, but she nodded her head in agreement. I put in info about how we both currently retain legal custody of DD (which is true), but that I will have physical custody and H will have liberal visitation when DD is at MIL's for child care.
I also put in there that DD will have no verbal or physical communication with any person, or said person's family, who is currently involved in a physical and/or emotional extra-marital affair with either spouse. Bet that hits hard, but I feel I had to say it.
Honestly, Allen, once I read exactly what he's been saying behind my back, I totally felt the full method actor feeling of "being Spock". Until I got (as an old art teacher used to say) hit with a wet noodle.... I thought I was being detached 'enough'. Well.. no more. I'm open to working on this, but not while he's trash talking me to the OW, and allowing her to trash talk me in return. OK - Not while he has any contact with OW at ALL.
As far as exposing to University..I found a state job I want to apply for and they require my college transcripts as part of the application package. Soooo... perfect timing to go see what recourse I have with the university as it just so happens to be the one I attended. I will do so with caution, however, because I read what happened to Seeing Red. I'll make sure noone can say I did anything illegal.
Deep Breath....
This is going to be a long, muddy dirt road (I know what I'm talking about here, I grew up on one, literally) and no matter the outcome, I intend to make my and my daughter's lives MUCH better before we hit the blacktop at the end.
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
It is as painful and laborous to END a marriage as it is to rebuild one... why go through all the pain and work of a divorce when you can put that engergy into repairing the marriage instead?
This is exactly how I feel about marriage. EXACTLY. Why go through all the pain only to chance going through it again and again with somone new each time. Rebuild what you have and make it even less likely to happen again. But.... not everyone sees that viewpoint.
Allen, the new link got me to the point of seeing the file, but when I tried to right click and save target as, it said access denied.... ?
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
Sunny the LAST thing you want to do is tell your H to FILE.. If you both want to save your marriage you set an example by NOT talking divorce or reccomending it... waywards see divorce as an escape from teh pain, but its NOT...
It is as painful and laborous to END a marriage as it is to rebuild one... why go through all the pain and work of a divorce when you can put that engergy into repairing the marriage instead?
NEVER advocate divorce unless YOU WANT it... NEVER
That was me just talking big, Allen. I meant down the road ... I'm not at that place yet. Just meant I may not be able to take several years of this and am afraid I'll give up. BUT... one day at a time! That's all I'm trying to accomplish at this point. Thanks for the link.
Ok, guys.. here's the No Contact letter re-written just slightly to sound a little more like me... How does it sound now?
Dear H,
I love you and am committed to you and our family we created together. I am willing to do my part to work through the hardships our marriage has endured and come out the other side better than we have been before. However, I will not do so at the expense of my own personal integrity or my family's emotional well-being. I want a marriage and family that will bring us enjoyment, in a mutually healthy and committed way.
Your affair with OW is so painful for me that it is destroying the love and respect I have felt for you for many years. It is destructive to me, our daughter and our friends and family. In order to protect myself and our daughter from the pain of your affair I have decided to step away from the chaos.
Please find attached to this email a temporary separation agreement. Review this agreement and respond with any questions or comments via return email.
Please respect my wish for no contact (other than email or text when necessary) for as long as you are involved in your affair. When your affair is ended, and you are ready to begin constructively working toward rebuilding our family, you may contact me and I will see how I feel about things at that time.
-elvencat
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
That was me just talking big, Allen. I meant down the road ... I'm not at that place yet. Just meant I may not be able to take several years of this and am afraid I'll give up. BUT... one day at a time! That's all I'm trying to accomplish at this point. Thanks for the link.
Honestly, I've known things were wrong in our marriage for nearly two years, and thought things were a bit 'off' for at least a couple years before that... I just never expected to have it get this far. I thought (naively) we could, together, work out whatever got in our way, but bad communication just generates more of the same.. as the computer adage goes: Garbage In = Garbage Out
I hope that by doing what I'm doing now, not only will I get my life back on track, but that my H will stop the cycle, reboot, and re-install.... (gee, look at me carrying on with the computer reference. )
Anyway, Sunny, you'll be surprised what you can endure when you didn't think you could, and what you have already endured without realizing it. I'm just coming to learn that.
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
I also just thought of something else.. I know I'm not exposing to my parents, unless forced into it, but I'm trying to come up with how to tell them DD and I are now living at the rental without H, and how I will have no direct contact with H for the duration... Any ideas??
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
WOW how many times can one person say I love you baby! to another one in the span of 2 hours? I gave up trying to count. It was sickening.
And I really wish I lived in a state where I could sue the OW. I have hard copy of her stating to H that she knew she wanted him the first time she saw him 12 YEARS AGO and if only she'd known how good it could possibly be, wouldn't have waited this long. WOW. I told H that she's been pining for him for years and he laughed in my face.
OW told him too bad he couldn't put my stuff out on the lawn... he says yeah, but my mother wouldn't allow it. Geesh.
H commented he didn't know what I was thinking. OW asked if he had ever known. H said, yeah, she used to be so predictable I'd know exactly what she'd do in any situation. But since I asked for divorce she's been so erratic.. even more than me. lol.
GAG GAG GAG!!!!!
Keep in mind this was only the evening chat... haven't had a chance to preview earlier in the day yet. Whoah....
So, now that I really have anything that will make much difference saved to jump drive and hidden away, I deleted my little intel program, and from this point forward I'm only worrying about me and DD, and only considering H when I have to for money or visitation issues. Continuing to read these things night after night will only serve to keep me attached and keep me from GAL and healing in time.
I hope NC and GAL serve to shake H, but I'm not counting on it anymore. He made his bed, if he doesn't like it, too bad. I MIGHT take him back.
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
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