As I mentioned, W went out last night again with her best friend Debbie. God I hate that woman. Calls here incessantly. W got home about 1:15 AM. I didn’t ask her anything about it, but did text OM EA’s wife to let her know W was going out, just in case. Her husband goes out every weekend. She said he was going to the Casino with a friend and wasn’t worried about them meeting-up. I’m not so sure.
I woke up about 3 AM and went into W’s room to try to find her cell phone. Crawled around on the floor looking. Totally dark. Felt around for pants, because she usually leaves it in a pocket, but couldn’t locate it. Got a bit nervous when wife stirred, but got out of there without getting busted. May try again tonight, but she has probably deleted everything by now anyway. Guards it like a Pit Bull.
Lawn tractor took a crap yesterday. Not sure how much that will cost to fix. I used to spend lots of time trying to fix our old tractor, but look where that got me. Tried to save $ and do it myself, but that meant missing some activities with the kids. Got me filed on is all.
I got up this morning about the same time as W. She went to take shower, so I looked for cell phone again, but she must have had it in the bathroom with her. Folded some laundry, then went to exchange some shirts and look for supplies at the local home center. Got me out of the house and away from W for a while. Worked in the basement for a while figuring out how to patch holes in drywall or put in access panels. Odd size holes may require a combination of both. No I didn’t punch holes in the walls! Access for plumbing fixtures. Then the plumber made a mistake in the ceiling, which I now have to fix. Pain in the butt! Trying to keep up with the 180’s.
As I mentioned in the last post, W asked for grocery money, so I told her I would go instead. While I was out she cooked dinner and then we both cleaned-up in the kitchen after. D9 rinsed some dishes after I had washed them. It was nice to be standing next to her working together! Said she liked doing dishes.
After dinner the kids wanted to play a game, so we both played clue with them. D9 won in a very fast game. Pretty lucky if you ask me. After that, I played Risk again tonight with the kids. They love it and have been playing non-stop since I taught them how a few days ago. D9 is going to wipe out both me and S11, but we had to stop for the night. They are looking very forward to finishing tomorrow. We had a good deal of fun playing both games. Things seem to be going very well, except that W has filed for D and shows no signs of altering her path. I am torn between going cold to the W and being friendly. Part of me thinks that if I can be the H she always wanted, maybe she will change her mind. Then I think of what gets results in other’s situations. Usually it involves withdrawing from the W. Not working with her. All the while that the smothering got me nowhere, I did wonder if she really needed to be rejected in order to come back to me. Not exactly sure where to go from here. It is so confusing.
After games were over, I retired to my room to type up these posts and maybe reread some of DR if I don’t get too sleepy. Didn’t say anything to W. D9 knocked on the door and wanted to show me something. Her tan lines!!! She hasn’t blossomed yet, so she isn’t overly shy about going shirtless. Said she had tan lines down below too, but I asked her not to show them to me. That was really cute. My relationship with my kids is really getting a lot better. After W put the kids to bed I went in their rooms and hugged and kissed them goodnight. I never really did that when they were young, which is one of W’s issues. She used to lay in bed with them until they went to sleep. Oftentimes she would fall asleep too and I would have to wake her to come to bed. I think that is a bit of overkill.
After tucking, I went down to kitchen to do a blood test (diabetic) and W was still watching TV. She went out for a smoke, which she thinks the kids don’t know about, and I went back up to my room and shut the door. She still hides her smoking from her Mom too, as do her two brothers. I don’t know what the point is. Her whole life is a series of lies and misdirection. Anyway, it sounds like she just came-up to go to bed. Didn’t say a word to me.
I hate this situation. We are going to see a kids counselor on Wednesday and after that, I think she will want to tell the kids as soon as possible. Can anybody tell me what happened in their situation after they told the kids? I think it might get more crazy after that. We are both making plans to do things alone with the kids, even though I usually do invite her to come along if she wants to. She never invites me. Told the neighbor she doesn’t want to spend time with me because it may give me hope. I may learn to hate her yet.
While at the grocery store I kept thinking about the situation and wondering if I shouldn’t at some point tell her that I am not going to be her friend when this is done. I will be cordial for the kids, but I will not be her friend. In fact, I will likely come to hate her and do anything I can to spite her. Isn’t that terrible? This is the woman I love so much and have been with for 23 years, but the pain is that bad and I know myself pretty well. I don’t know how else I will get over her.
Thanks to all for your thoughts and advice. I haven’t really been a religious person since I was young, but I have spoken to God a few times since this has happened. I guess I have to keep on trying. Sometimes all the pain I see on this website makes me just want to quit and move on. It seems less painful…………..
