So, this is my first post. I am so lost and hurt that I can barely get out of bed. On Junw 15th my husband of almost 9 years says "I'm Unhappy." We are high school sweethearts and have been together for 16 years. We were each others firsts and only's. Everything in my life, all the major milestones, have been with him and for him. I have worked very hard to keep my family happy but recently started back to school to become an RN. I was not home as much due to classes and studying and it took its toll on our marriage. I was exhausted most nights and was not as involved with our home life as i would have liked to be. He is telling me he has felt lonely for the last year and unhappy. I had no idea he was feeling this way because he never said a word. There were nights when i wld fall asleep on the couch and he is now telling me that he was angry about that. Made him feel not wanted. The intimacy was lacking-some in part to me but he wasn't exactly Mr Casanova-never once did he take me out on a date or act like he needed me. He complains that he had no life and all he does is clean. Felt not appreciated. I was always the one leaving cards, texting, writing him notes. But he needed more. He left for one night, came back and agreed to work on it. So we started counseling. He is telling me that he isn't in love with me, feels nothing when he kisses me and doesn't want to be married. After 2 weeks of counseling (3 sessions) he was ready to give up. He wants to leave. I convinced him to continue counseling but he did leave. He is at his mom's house and we told our 2 girls (4 & 6) that he had to go out of town for work. We are going to revisit the "situation" in a week. He thinks that maybe he just needs time away to figure some stuff out and see if he misses us. He was never one to be going out, always been a homebody. The past 2 nights he has been going out-hanging with 21-22 yr kids-living it up. He swears there is no one else and I really don't think there is. I can't make sense of how he is feeling because we just weren't a rocky couple, we hardly ever fought and we love to be with each other. We have a lot of fun. We are best friends. He doesn't have a lot of friends-by choice-so doesn't really have a lot of outlets. I think he is lost right now and maybe feeling like he hasn't lived. IDK. I am trying to show him that I won't give up on him. I know that true love can conquer all, I just don't know what to do. I want to hold him so badly and make it better.
My goal is to not contact him for the week but I have to say that I don't know if i have the strength. This is so HARD!!
Trust me, there's someone else. Do some independent checking; asking him will do no good, b/c he will only lie to you.
I'm sorry, but if WOULD explain a lot, and it would indicate that he probably DOES still have feelings for you, but they're just being blocked by the chemical rush of some new relationship.
No, don't involve friends. Be discreet. It may not be, but it usually is someone else in the picture about 60-80% of the time, esp. the way you're describing his actions/statements/feelings.
Does he chat on the computer much?
When you check his phone, are there deleted text messages? Who does the cellphone bill come to, and does it have detailed billing?
Cellphone records and keylogger on the computer are the easiest/best ways to check. If he knows you see the cellphone bills, he could have a second, pay-as-you-go secret phone.
His cell is a work phone so they get the bills. I have no way of checking his account. I don't know any of these people he is hanging with, only that they are young.
I think the going out and keeping busy is his way of coping. This is only the 3rd or 4th time he has hung out with there people. He is usually always home. Its very, very odd behavior for him.
His cell is a work phone so they get the bills. I have no way of checking his account.
Then I'm confused. A few posts up, you said:
Quote:
I have checked email and tried checking his phone and nothing.
Are you saying you've checked his phone ITSELF, but not the ACCOUNT? If he's not locking his phone (is he?), then he's probably deleting any suspicious calls or texts. Does the call log look like it has calls deleted?
He could also have OW in his phone under a false name, like the name of a male co-worker -- very common.
Do you know where he goes with these other people? Can you have a trusted friend discreetly watch him?
Puppy
P.S. You didn't answer the computer question: does he go on the computer at your home a lot?
So sorry to hear your situation, Pam. I feel like we have an awful lot in common -- the first and onlys, the complaints about underappreciation, the sudden move out, etc. Getting a bomb like yours is like a vicious punch in the gut, I know.
It is hard, horribly hard, but believe me, you do have the strength to deal with this. Do it for yourself, do it for your precious little girls. If you have to disappear into the bathroom once in a while to sob uncontrollably, do so, but then live life and do things to have fun with your kids. They deserve it and so do you ... no matter what happens with your H.
Good luck with this and keep coming back here often for support. It's invaluable when you're dealing with a hurt like this.
I don't think there is anyone else, i have no evidence that there is. I truly think that he is going thru something and just needs to work it out in his head. he is telling me that he can't sit and think all day so he is visiting friends and trying to stay busy. Its so hard to not just drive to where he is and watch what he is doing. absolutely sucks. Worst pain i have ever felt in my life. I want to somehow numb myself.
Hey Pam, I understand ... the pain can feel beyond unbearable. And I understand the strong temptation to check on H and wonder about what he's doing, but you have to resist that. The best thing you can do right now is to take care of yourself and your kids -- you can't control H's thoughts, feelings or actions.
Some days -- heck, even hours -- will be better than others. It really is, as lots of people here have described it, a roller-coaster ride.
