Married to my W for almost 2 years. Been together for 6 years. Lived together for 2 years before M and then bought the house she grew up in. Her parents were separated about 4 years ago and never officially divorced. Her mother was still living in the house and we agreed to let her stay for free for a few months to get on her feet and to start the divorce process. A year later and she is still here.
We have been doing work on this house for almost 1 ½ years and have a ton of money invested in. The house is still not finished and we have been living in the basement for 1 ½ years.
That caused many fights and issues between us. Going back about 6 months ago, I started to see a change and immediately started thinking affair. This put me in a bad place and I started to pull away myself. We stopped doing date night, and just stopped going out and doing things. My main focus was the house and for some reason I thought that would make her happy. It did not.
Around this time a mutual guy friend of ours had been calling her a lot and I confronted her about it. I was no longer friends with him. She said nothing was going on. Fights were started about it. We finally have a big blow out and lots of things are discussed and we both agree we are not happy. Start trying to work on things and we would end up at the same fights a month down the road. Intimacy and the emotional side of the marriage started shutting down. Things started getting worse and my suspicions of an A were getting stronger. About 4 ½ months ago, we get in a fight and I accuse her of being “dirty”. She had gone for her gyno check-up and got a prescription for something and I assumed it was bad. I overreacted about and said something I shouldn’t have. I didn’t know how upset that made her until about 2 weeks later. From that point on all signs of intimacy were gone. At this point we started MC. We went a few times together and a few times separately. It started to help a little but her feelings for what I said were not going away. She wanted nothing physical from me.
About 2 months ago, we were going through the same things and I decided that maybe I needed to move out for a bit. So I move out and completely realize what the heck I had done and wanted to go back. The next night I go home and we get in a huge fight. She takes her wedding rings off, tells me she no longer loves me, and never sees us being intimate again. The next day she goes and gets her own cell phone and doesn’t give me the number. That night I slept on the couch and her in the bed. They are 5 feet from each other. Things got even worse. Arguing all the time and just complete nastiness from her. Divorce and separation were being talked about constantly. This lasted for about 3 weeks.
At that time she and her mother got in a huge fight and she ends up in one of the spare bedrooms that is unfinished. There is just a bed in there. From that night on she has slept in that spare room. My suspicions of the A grew stronger. I finally was able to catch her on Facebook. She was having an emotional affair with our mutual friend. It had not turned physical but she was always talking to him. Once I confronted her, her mind frame totally changed and we had a 2 hour talk about a lot of things. I confronted him about it. She was in to him but he wasn’t in to her. He cut ties with her and I have been checking ever since. She hasn’t been in contact with him.
I’ve continued MC myself and I go to a group on a weekly basis. About a month ago, I started reading Divorce Remedy. It has really helped me and I started my 180. I asked her out to dinner and she agreed. It had been 4 weeks since we went anywhere together. It was definitely awkward. A few days later we go out shopping and to dinner and it was much more comfortable. We were able to joke around and started to talk about work and other things.
The next week had similar results. She initiated conversations with me when she got home from work and she started coming downstairs to spend time with me.
Last weekend she was doing an overnight for babysitting and I get a call in the middle of day from her. She leaves a VM asking about my day and if I wanted to join her and the boys she was watching for a movie. I didn’t call back because it was the house number from where she was babysitting. A few hours later she calls me again when she gets back from the movie and talks to me for about 20 minutes.
Things started really looking up and we do dinner again this past week. Now we come to Wed night and she goes out with her cousin for dinner and sends me an e-mail saying she won’t be home late. So I go out and get home at 10:30. She is still not home. I wait up until 12:30 and finally go to sleep. The next day I get a message from her asking me to dinner on Friday because tonight she was getting her hair done and going to her grandparents. She doesn’t get home until 11. So now I haven’t seen her in like 2 days. Fri night comes and I have a softball game. I get home around 7:30 and she isn’t ready to go out. So now I am mad and I let the past 2 days get the best of me and I pretend like I didn’t know we had definite plans. It causes a fight and I try to get her to still go out, but she ends up leaving. She doesn’t come home until 5 AM on Sat morning. At this point I just let it all out and tell her she has crossed too many boundaries and I can not deal with that. I leave the house and go out for the day and night.
I let myself cool down and this morning I get her a coffee in the morning and we seem to be talking OK. We got out shopping and to lunch. Everything seems to be OK. If this was before I would have let this drag on for a week and I would have had an attitude all week. Well tonight we start talking and it turns ugly fast.
She isn’t 100% committed to working on the marriage and she has changes of feelings daily and she doesn’t know what she wants. We argue and she gets mad that I insult her. The D word comes up again and we end the conversation with uncertainty and no answers. I know I screwed up this weekend and I had been doing so good for 3 weeks. I guess I just need a pick me up and some feedback.
