GAG - Manic...that's an interesting observation....it does feel like that sometimes. Were you speaking much throughout the "locked-out" manic period? It seems that our communication has really deteriorated for the past almost 2 months...since I stopped his cake-eating....it's like he is challenging me...fighting for control. Wow that's so good to hear that you are reconnecting with your XH...did you have a good time biking? What is the relationship like, just friendly or do you feel closer then that...just curious.
Mila, I've been meaning to reply to this post but have been busy GALing. Yes, when XH dropped the bomb he immediately began running around telling everyone we were getting D, as if he was proud of that. He actually expected me to sign papers without attorneys within the first 1-2 months post-bomb. I had never seen or heard of behavior like this before from him. He is reasonably detail-oriented so this was a significant departure for him. We had a pre-nup so I think that in XH's fog he thought it would be no big deal to D. There is a strong history of mental illness in XH's family (depression, anxiety, compulsive behavior) that I wasn't aware of when XH and I fell in love. I spent a lot of time reading about manic-depression and hypomania. I don't know if his behavior fit the diagnostic criteria, but I DO know that I have never before or since that 5 month period seen such erratic behavior.
Throughout the first 5 months we were in communication, but only to the extent that I was responding to his requests to begin splitting up our possessions. Jody (DB coach) helped me immeasurably through this process and I credit our "as good as can be expected" result to her excellent advice. I really relied on her for counsel. She said that talking to H about splitting the assets and being generous in that process would "super charge" my 180. She said that if I wanted to have good communication with H during this time that I would have to talk to him about the things he wanted to discuss --- splitting our assets. It was these discussions and my decision to change careers that formed the basis for us reaching the friendship stage eventually. H even helped me move out of my office when I changed careers (furniture, lots of books and files). I wanted him to see my 180 up close.
XH has only recently become more receptive to me (bomb was 9/08). The ping pong and bike ride were our 1st recreational outings. XH had asked me to a movie in January, 1 month post-D, but then wanted to change the time on short notice (made me feel like something better had come up --- don't know if that's true), so I set a boundary. Told him "I can't roll with you changing plans last minute right now". I think laying down that boundary was important, even though it seemed to increase the distance between us for a few months, because now I sense that XH places more importance on our get-togethers. This may apply in your situation too?
Recent interactions are a mixed bag. He was very guarded playing ping pong, but was much more friendly biking. I always have lots to talk about because of my GALing. We rode and chatted continuously for 2 1/2 hours (no R talk) --- chatted just like we used to. XH also showed me the back yard of his new house (he invited me there before the ride -- I've only seen it once before). After that we exchanged friendly e-mails back and forth for about 3 days. This is really new ground for us. Don't know where it will lead. Right now, trying to build some new fun memories. We are in the friend stage, but in my gut I can still feel that there is still a connection between us. We still trust and respect each other (we were very civil throughout the D process).
Sorry for the very long post, but hopefully there are a couple nuggets in there that will give you food for thought.
