because he fears letting his parents down more than it does to let you down. he knows you love him and he is still searching for their love. it's the path of least resistance. he's still a little boy when it comes to them.
you represent being a man to him - this is the path to take, his parents will and are still hurting him, he will tire of it.
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i was the only person he trusted to get close to him.
that's your ace
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it almost seemed like the closer i watched him bond with his parents, the less i trusted him.
so that "feeling" was one to pay attention to?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
you represent being a man to him - this is the path to take, his parents will and are still hurting him, he will tire of it.
is that why i was not the 'emotional lead' in the m? in my family, the women are not the 'emotional leads' in the r. just like my family loved one another unconditionally. he thought i didn't understand family love. i did - i have a wonderful family bond. but i also know what isn't a healthy family love. he told me that he feared being alone for the rest of his life. i wanted to ask him why he was still pushing for d but i didn't. i just gave him a warm smile and told him not to think too much.
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Quote: i was the only person he trusted to get close to him.
that's your ace
i hope he still knows this. for 9 yrs, i never once betrayed that trust. i still haven't. i could be the vindictive 'estelle'. but again, i didn't go there. i love myself not to betray my own morals and values. i am proud of who i am.
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Quote: it almost seemed like the closer i watched him bond with his parents, the less i trusted him.
so that "feeling" was one to pay attention to?
i can see it now. he's completely sided with them. the trust is gone. he can trust me. but i don't trust him. i feel like he's a completely different person. trust will have to be rebuilt.
I mean you represent him being a man - independent, a equal in a relationship, accepted, able to relax, he could please you without the guilt trip. make sense?
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i just gave him a warm smile and told him not to think too much.
Not good. Men think all the time, it's how we solve problems. That would be a put down from my perpsective. See how a comment like that makes him feel like the "emotional" lead? The see-saw analogy. He doesn't want to be responsible for more feelings.
The paradox - you become the WAS and he "gets it." You have a much better M. You become the WAS and he stays stuck - you keep walking to a better place for you. Not all in your control.
It's very loving for you to become the WAS, let him think about what he is giving up and why. Let him deal with his issues and grow. Lovingly detach.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I mean you represent him being a man - independent, a equal in a relationship, accepted, able to relax, he could please you without the guilt trip. make sense?
no wonder i was so confused when he said i was "needy and clingy" and i needed to learn how to be more "independent". i kept thinking "me? but you're the one who can't make a decision without calling them."
i thought i was doing the right thing. i don't nag, i'm independent, i don't call him when i have a flat tire, i don't keep score, i don't spend his money, i don't ask him to buy me gifts, i don't ever ask him to buy me anything, but i pay for the bills in the house. isn't this what men want in a wife? i put in my share.
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Not good. Men think all the time, it's how we solve problems. That would be a put down from my perpsective. See how a comment like that makes him feel like the "emotional" lead? The see-saw analogy. He doesn't want to be responsible for more feelings.
ok. no, i don't get it. i know that men think all the time. but how is that a put down? i wasn't about to say "awwww .. poor baby. you're not going to be alone for the rest of your life. you'll always have me." to me, that's pursuing and that was a no-no.
i tried to be comforting and i didn't give him the 'look'. who's feelings is he responsible for?
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The paradox - you become the WAS and he "gets it." You have a much better M. You become the WAS and he stays stuck - you keep walking to a better place for you. Not all in your control.
he's already walked away. is he expecting me to 'get it'? because i don't. in my head, you want to walk away. go ahead. i won't stop you. you chose this route. i made it clear that i wanted to fight for us.
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It's very loving for you to become the WAS, let him think about what he is giving up and why. Let him deal with his issues and grow. Lovingly detach.
i think it was PDT who posted a thread in newcomers that i really liked. i am fighting for us. i would hope that he would if the tables were turned. i took my vows seriously.
everybodies! mom, dad, you, car mechanic, telephone solicitor..............
I bet you feel like you were the one giving all the time. He doesn't know how to ask for what he needs because he doesn't think he's worth it.
enough of the co-dependent talk.
Goals for you.
professional
financial
physical
intellectual
spiritual
social
emotional
How you going to achieve them? why are they important?
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I bet you feel like you were the one giving all the time. He doesn't know how to ask for what he needs because he doesn't think he's worth it.
yes, i did feel like i gave all the time and received little in return. i think that's why i have such a difficult time with this concept.
i would have thought that the co-dependent would do a lot of giving because he/she is always trying to win approval from others.
if my h is reading, he was worth it to me.
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professional
want a better paying job. work smarter. continue networking and lead by example. i have established a good reputation. need to keep the momentum going. school is another option.
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financial
i am saving like crazy. working with my financial planner to make sure i don't overspend. but in general, i'm pretty good.
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physical
i love squash. i do want to be a better player. there is a team tournament in january of 2011 that i want to be a part of. goal: to be asked to join a team for this tournament. i wasn't good enough in the past but maybe this year?
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intellectual
i have to think about this one. i want to improve my finance skills.
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spiritual
this one is tough. i have not really been a spiritual person.
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social
keeping in touch with my friends. so far so good. the phone book in my cell is getting bigger.
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emotional
i want to ease the anger. with time, i know it will happen.
this site has helped me center myself. i feel like i am getting to a point where i can detach. i am making head way and have new goals in life. i want to achieve my dreams. i can't sit in this toilet bowl and be going around in circles.
there is work to do - the work is to achieve what i want in life.
"yes, i did feel like i gave all the time and received little in return. i think that's why i have such a difficult time with this concept."
Imagine that 100 times more from his perspective. It still proves the point that you did not communicate. You expect a reaction.. but never get one. You place your hopes and dreams in that reaction. You are disappointed.. over and over.
"if my h is reading, he was worth it to me."
How goes your work on your statement?
"i want to ease the anger."
This is your first step. You said it right.. not sure if that will translate to RL quite yet.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
Imagine that 100 times more from his perspective. It still proves the point that you did not communicate. You expect a reaction.. but never get one. You place your hopes and dreams in that reaction. You are disappointed.. over and over.
i don't deny that we didn't communicate. i wish we had the opportunity to fix this.
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How goes your work on your statement?
i've been thinking about it a lot.
all this talk about how he feels and his perspective, has given me a bit to think about. i'm compassionate for a day and then i can't explain his behaviour and i just think he's full of hate and can't stand me. the anger comes back and it cycles.
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This is your first step. You said it right.. not sure if that will translate to RL quite yet.
the anger is still very much alive. i've never been so angry at someone in my entire life. for the first time, i think i wish all of life's sh*t would get dumped on him and his parents.
