His cellphone is through his company so I don't have any access to those records at all.
And of course, today H has been more distant than ever to the point of going to nap upstairs rather than our bedroom. Hmmmm.... I'm wondering if yesterday's conversation was a big mistake on my part! We went to church this morning and he stood, arms folded across his chest, as far as he could from me. Went to lunch and he watched the tv the whole time at the pizza place... came home - straight to XBox - then went upstairs to nap while I was cooking dinner. Not a good sign.
I assume that's neither good nor bad - just is. ???
Things were a little more cordial later in the evening and he made a concerted effort to not cling to the edge of the mattress again. I don't think this is an emotional shift really, but since I mentioned it the other day, he doesn't do it. Well, at least not initially before going to sleep - and there is some affectionate touching.
Still no progress on the cellphone though! This is really frustrating being that I feel this could be the key! Once again, he took it into the bathroom this morning when showering. I have to say, I do not know if this is something he's always done or if this is coincidence or a recent development.
Part of this wayward syndrome just is erratic mood swings.. their emotions are in flux much like a teenager... this means you are giong to just get a lot of erratic behaviour to match their mood swings...
I don't reccomend too much analysis due to this fact.. if you see a consistent pattern like hiim taking the cell phone into the shower with him THAT is significant.. but if he keeps flip floping on actions that is more likley just his erratic mood swings and emotions in flux... nothing too significant...
Consistent behaviour is what you want to analyze becuase its a pattern...
If you notice his moods change regularly due to certain stimuli again that could be something, but right now I don't think you can pin too much on this...
If you read the MLC article i sent you should understand what I mean I think... it was written as a joke, but the content is VERY ACCURATE.. its just written in an amusing way is all... I actually found the sarcastic tone amusing... a refreshing change from the usual texts on the subject
Re MLC, I don't put much stock in that.. to my mind this is just wayward syndrome, meaning the peaking of dissatisfaction with marriage... many spouses experience this in teh lifetime of their mariage and they wrestle with ways to cope... DR more or less addresses a lot of this already...
The point of contention I have with DR is infideility.. To my mind its an addiction and should be handled as such... and DR is NOT in agreement with that point...
The cell phone in the bathroom is far more interesting.. QS put up a good post on how to collect intel as well today, you may find it very helpful
Good points, Allen. I know all of this from my readings, but when you get caught up in your own emotions (feeling hurt, rejected, etc...) it's easy to lose sight of all of this.
I read the article and did find it ammusing and accurate! Assuming you mean the "stages".
I will check out the intel thread! I tell ya, short of just point blank asking him to let me see it, I'm out of ideas to get ahold of it. I think I was awake half the night hoping to catch him in a deep sleep so I could get my hands on it for awhile. Didn't work. He wasn't sleeping well either and we even talked several times about how neither of us could sleep. H snores when he's in deep sleep mode, so that would be my cue.
"FT told me one of the first things we need to do is stop secret keeping - that its marital cancer. Here is my cell phone (put it on hte table) feel free to have a look and let me know when you are done... can you hand me your cell phone please?"
YOu can add in "this is a healhty exercise, I don't think it will take long" making it sound trivial like yo udon't suspect anything...
If he refuses you have your answer...
Just tell him
"Well.. If you don't share your phone I have to assume youa re cheating on me... having a sexal or emotional affair... So you should hand me the phone just be safe please..."
Keep pushing him and make sure he knows what he's TELLING YOU when he refuses... Each time he says no you inform him what he SAYS when he's sayin "no"
No in this case doenst' just mean no it means "no i have something to hide from you that I want to keep secret that will hurt the marriage"
"FT told me one of the first things we need to do is stop secret keeping - that its marital cancer. Here is my cell phone (put it on hte table) feel free to have a look and let me know when you are done... can you hand me your cell phone please?"
YOu can add in "this is a healhty exercise, I don't think it will take long" making it sound trivial like yo udon't suspect anything...
If he refuses you have your answer...
Just tell him
"Well.. If you don't share your phone I have to assume youa re cheating on me... having a sexal or emotional affair... So you should hand me the phone just be safe please..."
Keep pushing him and make sure he knows what he's TELLING YOU when he refuses... Each time he says no you inform him what he SAYS when he's sayin "no"
No in this case doenst' just mean no it means "no i have something to hide from you that I want to keep secret that will hurt the marriage"
I may have to work up the nerves for this one, but it's a good idea. Of course, he would probably say that I have advanced notice and a chance to delete anything off my phone so it's not fair. Of course, I have nothing to hide and am not the one acting weird...but I can see him using that as some sort of justification.
Tell him he is welcome to ask again at any time in the future when the mood strikes him and you will hand the phone over to him without the slightest problem...tell him its a loving jesture and builds trust...
He will probably drop a jaw at that and walk away.. but you have made your point...
Tell him he is welcome to ask again at any time in the future when the mood strikes him and you will hand the phone over to him without the slightest problem...tell him its a loving jesture and builds trust...
He will probably drop a jaw at that and walk away.. but you have made your point...
Good idea.
Of course, if he's smart and really covers his tracks, he could just be deleting any call records/emails (Blackberry)/texts that would be problematic anyway - as soon as he was done reading or talking. That's what I would do if I were up to something! lol
BUt the point is still made, that you suspect something... and that keeping secrets destroys marriages.. the phone exchange is just a trick to educate your H a bit about how secrets damage marraiges.. you want him to hear that part.. its important
