Yesterday D21 had a conversation with her dad which she said upset him. She told him that the children didn't like OW and he had made a big mistake leaving them for her. H said the seperation from the marriage and affair was inevitiable. H also told D that OW had lost her father very recently and D was less than sympathetic to this, which shocked H.
D21 said he must have been thinking about the converation because he text 3 pages at 1.30am this morning. He has never contacted anyone at that time in the morning since he went to live with OW. OW monitors all contact i.e H never rings or text the children in an evening or at weekends.
Why does H act as if everything is going well and he is happy etc with the children but with me he lets his mask slip at times and I see major depression and hopelessness?
Libby, Your h's mask will be in place w/those he wishes to fool. He's desperately attempting to show them that he is a very happy man now that he is not living under the same roof w/you.
As for why the mask slips around you...he feels safe w/you and he knows that you know him better most likely than he does himself. Wearing masks and playing the happy go lucky fellow gets tiresome and it is a lot of hard work....
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Libby - I have a feeling that when the disapproval comes from the children they take it differently. When they left us they really didn't consider how it will affect their relationship with their children, they were busy justifying and thinking that the kids will be fine, everything is going to be fine. As a matter of fact I have heard my H say that D will be better off if he leaves then if he stayed, because he would be unhappy without OW.
So when your D actually told him what she thinks, that probably shook him quite a bit and maybe disturbed the fantasy world that he has created.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Libby, I agree with Mila about how H's view children in this. I heard much the same from my H as he was leaving. He said the children would be fine. If you thought I was miserable before, imagine what it would have been like if I stayed when all he wanted was to be with ow.
Your H was probably shocked when your D told him he made a mistake because he possibly realized that gosh, maybe this isn't all about me, my children are affected by my actions.
Good for your D for being able to tell her father her feelings. Be proud of the strong young woman you've raised, Libby!
It will be interesting to hear what his reactions are toward the children when he visits next.
Snodderly Thank you for your insight into his behaviour. Each child individually is now telling him they wish to have nothng to do with OW. This rocks his fantasy world where he would marry OW and his children be part of his new happy family.
Mila and SA. I remember when he left H told me the children would be absolutely fine as they would see he was happy. Of course none of them have been fine. They were devastated. Now they are angry with him. Three of them have been to counselling sessions. Maybe reality has peeped through about his children. I told D she is entitled to her opinion and to air her views as H behaviour impacted significantly on her.
H remains in his hole. No texts or comms again today. He really withdraws now between visits and even when he visits he is spending less and less time with me 'chatting'. His depression is also increasing. I am giving him all the space he needs at this time.
Again more open to me and happy to chat. Even did some gardening and fixed the toilet. Most of the time I kept out of his way and let him initiate contact and conversation, which he did.
A couple of things he told me historically I would have ranted at but remained calm and validated what he had said. This is the new me (or old me!) that confuses him. He is almost waiting for the angry wife to step forward but she's not there anymore. I can see him watching to see how I react. These are secrets he would normally not tell me i.e use of his credit card.
The children and I will be going away next weekend for two weeks. I told him and he asked about the holiday. He then helped me get the body boards and beach mats out. We haven't used the body boards since old family holidays 5 years ago. I was holding one in my hand and said' mad 40 year old on a body board and now a mad 50 year old'. He looked at me and said quite sadly 'I know'. I think us all going away without him has given him more food for thought as even our D who is at Uni is coming.
He was going watch a television programme with S13. H came into the kitchen and asked if I would be watching it with them in the lounge. I thanked him for thinking about me and went into the lounge where we chatted with S13 about the programme.
Usually when he leaves H always tells me he is going. Yesterday he didn't. After saying his goodbyes to the children he left. He wasn't angry I just got a sense overwhelming sadness about us being away for 2 weeks as a family without him. This is the reality of his current choice
Interestingly throughout the day there was a feeling of peace between us. It is almost palpable. I'm sure he can feel it as well. No anger, blame or suspicion just peace. This is very new and I have never felt it before. We are very easy in each others company.
I feel we are both moving forward on our journey. Him on his path and me on mine
Libby, Sounds like your home has become a safe haven for your h. I hope you remembered to thank him for doing the work around your home. He needs that affirmation.
I suspect he feels that you are at peace, therefore, he is too. He feels comfortable coming there and spending time. This is great! Keep up the good work.
Yes, even if he won't admit it, he's going to miss you and the kids while you are on vacation. This will be a good time for him to focus on himself while you are away.
You both are traveling different paths...but who knows where they will meet up...once again.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems to me that each time your H peeks out of the tunnel he seems to come out further and interacts with the kids and you more. His retreats seem for shorter periods of time.
It sounds like he's waging a battle within himself.
You're doing a great job of being the beacon for your H!
I think the holiday without H is going to be harder than I thought. I am currently detached but his sadness on Saturday made me feel for him although it was his decision to leave.
I have just spoken to D21 who spoke to her dad today. As usual he is upbeat about our holiday and saying she will have a lovely time and its near the beach etc. Mask definately on to let the children think he is happy in his hole with OW!
Thanks for your insight. I did thank him for helping in the garden and told him it looked lovely. I think you are right. I see a lot of confusion and sadness at times as he sorts his head out.
SA
H does come out further each time from his hole. The last withdrawal was q long time for him at 10 weeks. He continues to visit but his communication with me other than when he visits is nil. No texts or phone calls. I know OW opens his mail so I am sure she is looking at his phone bill and mobile to continue to control him.
