I wish there were a magic potion i could take to forget about WH. Am looking forward to baby's arrival, because I need the distraction... something to keep my mind occupied.
The past week has been hot/cold with WH. Truth is everything i pushed away, as far as the pain and what he did to me is creeping up on me. I still feel the pain. took me a long time to accept that I was pregnant alone... and now I have to accept that I am having this baby alone, and will be parenting alone. WH wants to help, but lets be real, he is entirely too selfish. I did tell him that I do not think it's a good idea for him to stay here at night when the baby is born. I dont want to fall in love with this idea that we could be a family. And then what when he leaves I am a mess and start crying all over again? Longing for my dear H who walks in and out my life all of the time. I need to find the stregnth to deliver this baby and be so self-involved that i do not have time to think of WH. I need to accept my life and get on with it.
Starting to think my WH is somewhat abusive. I think he likes that I am crying over him. How is it that he left and yet he still WONT GO AWAY!!! For those of you who are sad b/c your WAS left and want to have NC with you, its not a bad thing. It's just as painful to have a WH who left, bc he is not in love with you and lingers around... guess there is no easy way.
H said today that when he dropped the bomb, he not only felt relieved but his feelings became validated. He left 9 days later. But in between BS'd me to death telling me he wanted to try therapy and wrote me a card saying how we have what it takes to get through it and "you're my first, my last, my everything". Today he said once he got it out in the open, he realized he didnt have anything left for me.
And yet less than 2 months before he wanted to start a family with me... i mentioned this and he said "I know". Which means what exactly? that he knew then he didnt love me either.
Great!
just what i need to hear days before giving birth...
My WH never loved me.
I am only focusing on the baby from now on. EF my STBXH! need to learn to stand on my own two feet.
Gatsby, yep, almost 38 weeks, so less than 2 to go.
Newmama, thanks for your words! I am going to take back my life and make it what it is and give my son everything I always wanted for him.
I need to go find books on how to heal from a divorce, and closure and ending relationships... just think now is a really tough time to be starting new books when I should be putting away baby stuff! But maybe I will buy them and read every once and a while for a pick me up.
Few regrets I have, that i spent the past 6 months DBing when I should have been working on closure. maybe the best thing for me would have been going completely dark, or moving out of the house, or signing the D papers sooner and sending them in myself, should have spent time and energy on accepting the divorce and learning how to move forward instead of always thinking something could change his mind. In my heart I always believed me and WH had what it took... but then again, if you told me a year ago, I'd be where I am today, I would have laughed and told you that you were out of your mind! Not me... never!
