Still chipping away at EA

[Allen A]

OK... you will have to talk to your MIL and find out where she stands on all of this then...

I would PREFER to see her tell her son he's not welcome in HER HOME or HER RENTAL at ALL until he's STOPPED the nonsense... SHUT HIM OUT completley (yes, protection phase for her too)

THAT would be a HUGE BLOW to the affair right there.. I just don't know if your MIL has the cajones to take that kind of stand.. its what's NEEDED of coruse, but there are a lot of parents who just don't have what it takes to confront an addict properly... parents are notorious enablers...

[Allen A]

If EVERYONE in the family and freinds turns him away then he's in a huge pile of doo doo...

You just need a good family who would be willing to support the marriage by refusing your husband any access to escape to...

You want him on the run with no exits in sight other than OW.. You already know he can't stay there... I suspect if he moved in with OW and OWM that reality for OW and OWM would start hitting them like a baseball bat.. he would be groaning about his pain and doing nothing about it in THIER home and they would likley get tired of him a LOT FASTER... moving into someone's home spoils fantasy's pretty fast... especially when mom is there too

[elvencat]

I think you're right. At this point.. MIL is who I'll have to work on. I sincerely doubt she has the ability to block her son out that completely. She and his dad divorced when H was quite small and she feels like she's been trying to make up for it ever since. (Vicious cycle - divorce)

MIL also has to take care of disabled FIL.. so I know as much as this is needed - it would probably take her to the breaking point emotionally.

So, I think I'm going to have to go with finding my own place, unfortunately, but I WILL discuss things with her first.

H already commented to OW that he felt "f***ity f**k f**ked"
(Direct quote minus some letters - but you get the point.)

Maybe the pressure of me leaving and everyone's negative emotions toward him for the affair will do some work - not as quickly as forcing him into moving in with her, of course...

Wish I could figure out how to do that without making it look like that's what I'm doing, or sending MIL into emotional breakdown. Also - OWM already stated even though OW is grown woman and pays rent, she puts her foot down on a married man moving in. Hee hee.. would love to be there to see what happened....

[Allen A]

What other family members are in the loop on this?

You don't need to work on MIL on your own... If tehre is other family who can sit wtih you and her and explain to her that she's NOT helping her son or teh family out letting her son bully her ... I dunno... Its your call, but it would end the affair a lot faster if your MIL would back you up on blocking out son.. She must at LEAST takea firm stand on OW not entering etiher of the two homes and that she will never be accpeted...

If your H hears FIRMMLY from his mother and other friends and family that OW will NEVER be accepted, he's really in a corner then...

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Note : Don't bring your own parents into this, that is NOT going to help you.. It will very likley discourage your H coming back to the marriage... he can accept his own family, but he won't be able to face yours after that if they know the whole story... so try to keep the exposure on his side and to friends of his family only

I wish someone had given ME this advice.

So true.

Puppy

[Allen A]

20/20 Pupper... most of the advice I think a lot of us (myself included) post here is given by us doing the opposite and learning the hard way...

We mostly advise against what doens't work from personal experience...

[elvencat]

The only other family member I can think of is H's sister. She's been adamant about staying out of it because 1. she loves her brother and hates conflict of any kind and 2. she has a lot of problems with one of her three teens and has to deal with a lot from him. He's basically heading down H's path as far as I can tell - only with a police record about to be thrown in because of his impulse control problems. I wish there was a way I could get through to H that he is a big role model for the nephew and acting like he is now won't help nephew either.

But - I also found out from chat log that she flat out told H she would have done the same thing I did. Sooooo..... all I can do is at least try.

As far as my parents... I'm really glad to know keeping them out of the loop was probably for the best. I felt guilty about it, but at the same time knew it would just make my H that much more likely to not want to be around my family pretty much ever again.

[Allen A]

Use that same angle with his sister

"WOrking on your brother will help your SON... WOrkign with your brother to act like an adult will help set an example for your son to follow"

use lines like : I am not asking you to "take my side"

I am asking you to be on the side of marriage instead of the side of DIVORCE...

Can you promote marriage and the importance of acting like an adult to your borther with me please?

He's not going to hear me, he needs to hear REPEATEDLY that his famly is NOT willing to support OW at ANY TIME in the future and she will NEVER be welcoem in this family EVER

He needs to hear that from you

All she needs to do is read a script and refuse him any physical or emotiona refuge and otherwise shut him out.. that's not a lot of conflict for her to deal with .. its actually AVOIDING conflict to take this position...

Divorce, lies, cheating, and abuse is conflict... she would be promoting the END of conflict...

And also let her know her silence on the topic is SUPPORTING his infidelity.. her staying silent makes her a PART of the affair..

[elvencat]

I'll take that approach and try to get her to talk to me. She hasn't wanted to speak with me directly in the past about these things, but she knows how much I am trying, and how far H is going with this all. So, I'll try that way.

I can say right now H is calling his sister a hypocrite for telling him to not get divorced when she herself got divorced when her children were quite young. Her situation was a tad different, however. She finally realized she'd been living in the wrong sexual orientation, was grateful for her children with her husband, but realized a continued life as a wife was not for her... so.. she had something different going on rather than INFIDELITY.. H is just grasping at straws now to explain away any negativity.

[Allen A]

Yup, well, your husband's an addict, he's goign to say whatever he can to protect the object of his addiction... the fantasy is falling apart slowly... it does over time...

Have you seen the geurilla db video? Its a great tool to use to support exposure to yoru H's family members.. you just have to sit and watch this with your family members and THEN talk to them about supporting you.. It will do 80% of the work FOR you

http://24.141.78.27/geurintro.wmv

You shoudl watch it first, then take your laptop to his sister and watch it together

Note : Download the video, its on my server and its not up 24 x 7