Still chipping away at EA

[Allen A]

NOte : you can just give your H the silent treatment in the interim... If he gets to be a pest, pack up you and your daughter nad leave until you feel like coming back... go out to a movie or the park or something, go to a family members' home to relax...

The more distance you put between your family and him the better for your family and you... He's on a dangerous road you don't want to be around...

Silent treatment and distance are the best route right now I think

[SunnyD]

I like the new letter too - it makes you sound like a confident woman who is strong and loving, not a doormat any longer! You will feel much better showing such respect for yourself and it will make him see you in a different light as well. It's more important to do it for yourself though - and for your daughter - not for his reaction!

[Four_More_Years]

I'm not a fan or "willing to do whatever we can...". Clearly his idea is that you let him have his affair while he thinks about whether he'll continue to grace you with his presence in the marriage. I think I'd state that I'm willing to do "my part", etc. He has to do his, too.

[elvencat]

Thanks so much everyone for jumping in on this with me. I know I'd be a blubbering idiot right now without you all there to steer me in a level headed direction.

Puppy - saw the revision and I really like it.
4MYRS - I see what you are trying to say and will think on it.
Allen - I'll attempt to list some options for living situations below and see if you all can maybe help me work through the best one.
Sunny - spot on about this being for me and DD. I can't control him, I can only control my reaction to him and right now I feel this is the way to do it.

Guys - at this very moment he is trying to act like yesterday's blasting never happened and everything is all hunky dorey. I've been giving him the silent treatment since last night when I got home from my walk - he told OW I was 'hiding'. No - regrouping and thinking about the next steps is more like it. And he won't like the next steps.


Possible Living Arrangements -
1. Convince him to move to rental knowing it's not in good shape and DD couldn't stay with him there, and I stay in MIL's house with DD - where all her things are and where she's most comfortable other than at my mom's house. But not sure if this will be too awkward given I'm essentially trying to kick H out of his mother's house.

2. Move with DD into rental house into the one room that IS liveable and ask MIL to watch her during the day while I try to clean as much as I can without money.

3. Move home to my parents - big problem with this is state of MO frowns on parents moving with children across state lines (even if it's only 40 minutes away) when there is pending legal action - not a problem now, but could cause a legal issue for me if H decides to complain and file.

4. Try to find a temp living situation near home and stay there myself - problem here is I refuse to go anywhere I can't take DD.

5. I don't have any physically close family to stay with to still be in the area to look for a job. So I'd have to hunt down friends.. and local friends are practically non-existant.

So.. any ideas on the best of the worst?

[Allen A]

Question : The rental you are referring to is a home YOU own and rent OUT or is it co-owned by you and your H or what?

[Allen A]

Next question :

How is your MIL in regards to supporting your H's behaviour NOW that you KNOW its a sexual affair? What about other relatives?

List each family member and where they stand on this... I would get a spreadhseet togehter with all contact names, numbers, emails etc... find out who your friends are and make sure they are ALL in the loop of what's going on... You want to beat your H to the punch on this one... He's going to grease the wheels before you if he can..

HIDE all your info on your PC so he can't snoop... he will snoop

I am worried his mother is going to enable him even during a sexual affair... If you stay at the family home I really don't imagine his mtoher is giong to refuse him entry into the home you are in since its his parents home... You want a safe place.. and I don't know if his parents place is that place if they can't take a hard stand on what he's doing and refuse him...

What you want them to tell him is something like :

"I am embarassed at what you are doing right now. I am humilated and sad. I don't want you in our home or near either of us until you stop what you are doing and come to your senses... I will NEVER ACCEPT OW in our home or in our family, she is a disgrace... and our DIL is ALWAYS welcome here... she's the oNLY ONE protecting this marriage and our grand daughter"

SOmething like that.. if she can't folloow through on somethin glike that, you dont want to live with your in laws

[Allen A]

Note : Don't bring your own parents into this, that is NOT going to help you.. It will very likley discourage your H coming back to the marriage... he can accept his own family, but he won't be able to face yours after that if they know the whole story... so try to keep the exposure on his side and to friends of his family only

[elvencat]

oh, sorry.. explained the rental in newcomers when I first got to this site and never did here...

rental is one owned by MIL and FIL. They got in a bind because they took over a mortgage for one of FIL's family members and then rented the house back to them. The family member trashed the house and left.. leaving inlaws with the mortgage and a house they couldn't rent back out.

When things started getting rough in March, MIL offered to let me move in for cost of utilities and me spending money to fix up house instead of paying traditional rent. None of us have any money right now so hardly anything except major issues such as water leaks and a new gas water heater have been done. I've put in some elbow grease on what just needed cleaning, but there's a lot more to make it truely able to be lived in.

It was a really nice place, and can be again with some TLC.. 3 bed, 2 bath, large kitchen, large entry room, large family room, basement (not for living, but good for storage), humongous backyard that is almost already completely fenced in and nice garage with efficiency apartment in back (which already has a tennant).

[elvencat]

and on rental - MIL has told me she and I are the only ones who will have a key. Once I'm there, it will be MY house to say who can come and go. I realize I'd need a formal rental agreement for that to be effective, but I believe her on this.

I don't believe they'd bar H from their house. I know I am always welcome, but I don't think they'd take my side over his on whether or not to allow H into house while DD and are there.

[elvencat]

Note : Don't bring your own parents into this, that is NOT going to help you.. It will very likley discourage your H coming back to the marriage... he can accept his own family, but he won't be able to face yours after that if they know the whole story... so try to keep the exposure on his side and to friends of his family only

This is how I've felt about doing so. But I feel like I'm running out of options that can get me into a good place quickly... the only thing I could think of is saying something like I wanted an extended vacation with parents before a new job limited my free time or something.... and stalling for time to get money for rental house. IDK....