Here I was sitting and feeling sorry for myself and thinking that I am the only one in the world going through this hell, then I stumbled onto this website. HOLY CRAP!! I guess there really isn’t anything new under the sun, huh?
Well, here is my story.
I have been married to my wife for 20 years (this seems to be the recurring theme around here!) and lately, I noticed when I walked into the room she would mouse click her computer and minimize the window and her solitaire game would be on by the time I could see the monitor. Now, I am no fool, I’ve played solitaire before and there is really very little typing needed! HA!
She then started doing a lot of texting and keeping her phone with her at all times (even taking it to bed with her, taking LONG baths with the door locked, etc. Then one night a few weeks ago I walked into the bedroom after she had gone to bed and she had her phone out and hid it under the covers (dummy didn’t realize the glow from the screen could still be seen).
Now, I have always been a non confrontational guy and hate conflict so I tried to convince myself that I was mistaken. Then when I couldn’t take it any more I confronted her about it. She admitted to having an EA to me on the morning of our 20th anniversary! Now, I have made it clear for the past 20 years that I would deal with anything, but infidelity was a deal breaker. So I asked her if she wanted to stay or leave and she said “I know you, I can’t stay” which I stupidly agreed to. Then I recanted and asked her again if she wanted to stay or go and she waited a few minutes and asked when I wanted her out.
Well, she moved out to stay with her girl friend (who doesn’t like me, and never has for some reason) who is divorced and has a nice house, pool, etc. The OM is all the way across the country and she says there has not and never will be any PA with him and I think that is true as the logistics of doing it are too difficult. We have no money and from what I can find out, he doesn’t either. Oh, he is someone she used to know 20 years ago (old BF? Don’t know). Since then I hacked into her email accounts and read what they had been sending back and forth since last August. MAN! I wish I hadn't!!!
Anyway, since then my life has turned to crap. I have been told that I get to take a 40% pay cut to stay employed, I can’t afford the bills and am in the process of filing bankruptcy, we have 2 kids (d18 s13) who chose to stay with me, and the W’s Mother is on her deathbed. We all went down to be with here for a few days this week but she is still hanging on, so we had to come back home for work until she passes. We left the kids with her sister (they usually spend a couple weeks a summer anyway) and drove back home together (8 hours).
So, here is where I am, she gave me the old I Love You, but can’t stay with you because you are emotionally cold toward me” but she still comes over here every day, touches me when she walks by, rubs my head or back, hugs me occasionally and tells me she still loves me. Just to get this out, she is the love of my life and I’ll do ALMOST anything to win her love back. I have been making the classic mistakes so far. I left a dozen roses in her car at work and a letter accepting my part in the current and prior problems (I’ll explain more later) and asking her to please come home and work on our M. She came over that evening and thanked me for the flowers and said she doesn’t know if she wants to come back and doesn’t know when she will be able to give me an answer. I don’t know if she has stopped the EA and haven’t asked her yet as I feel it would be a mistake to start pushing her right now with her mother situation. THAT WILL be the only sticking point I have if she hasn’t/won’t.
I have also given her a music CD she wanted, baked cookies and brownies and left them in her car… I am NOT a stalker (HA!) just don’t want to take the stuff into her work and possibly start a big scene. I will stop all of that right now.
We still have a joint bank account and bills and have agreed to do the bankruptcy thing together and not ever fight about or in front of the kids. So far, she has been more than willing to keep her part of the bargains we have come to and I think she will continue to do so. I realize everyone says this when they are in this position but there is no doubt in my mind that she will be honorable about the financial stuff (since there really is no money anyway HA!).
Anyway, I guess I am looking for affirmation that I really am in the same spot as most others here with a WAW or if she truly is just needing a break for a bit and we can salvage this.
Oh, one further note, I have changed my ways and am working on being a better person for myself and the kids. I was on the road to being a hermit (seriously). I have no real friends, wasn’t really interacting with my family when I came home, etc because I was hurting over work and financial stuff and didn’t want to burden her with it so I kept it to myself then it just became easier to just not talk at all. She asked my D the other day if I was really changing and she said yes, in a big way, and my W walked away and said “Well, it’s too F’in late”.
I just don’t know where to go from here. I have already been through the hurt, loss, sad, scared, rage rollercoaster and now am just empty and depressed.
Any words of wisdom? I know there is more you need to know and I’ll be happy to share, but this post is getting too long to read for most already!
Thank you!
Last edited by navajo; 06/27/1006:47 PM.
Me-44 W-41 M-20yrs S13 D18 ILYBINILWY-June 2010 (On our Anniversary)
So, here is where I am, she gave me the old I Love You, but can’t stay with you because you are emotionally cold toward me” but she still comes over here every day, touches me when she walks by, rubs my head or back, hugs me occasionally and tells me she still loves me. Just to get this out, she is the love of my life and I’ll do ALMOST anything to win her love back. I have been making the classic mistakes so far. I left a dozen roses in her car at work and a letter accepting my part in the current and prior problems (I’ll explain more later) and asking her to please come home and work on our M. She came over that evening and thanked me for the flowers and said she doesn’t know if she wants to come back and doesn’t know when she will be able to give me an answer. I don’t know if she has stopped the EA and haven’t asked her yet as I feel it would be a mistake to start pushing her right now with her mother situation. THAT WILL be the only sticking point I have if she hasn’t/won’t.
I have also given her a music CD she wanted, baked cookies and brownies and left them in her car… I am NOT a stalker (HA!) just don’t want to take the stuff into her work and possibly start a big scene. I will stop all of that right now.
NO! No, no, no, no, no, no NO!!!
Have you read DB or DR yet? These are all HUGE MISTAKES (altho you certainly wouldn't be the first, Nav).
So let me get this straight: your wife cheats on you, you find out about it, and then SHE gets to decide what SHE wants to do, all the while you pursue her with flowers, songs and frigging BROWNIES???
Oh, one further note, I have changed my ways and am working on being a better person for myself and the kids. I was on the road to being a hermit (seriously). I have no real friends, wasn’t really interacting with my family when I came home, etc because I was hurting over work and financial stuff and didn’t want to burden her with it so I kept it to myself then it just became easier to just not talk at all.
So, here is where I am, she gave me the old I Love You, but can’t stay with you because you are emotionally cold toward me” but she still comes over here every day, touches me when she walks by, rubs my head or back, hugs me occasionally and tells me she still loves me. Just to get this out, she is the love of my life and I’ll do ALMOST anything to win her love back. I have been making the classic mistakes so far. I left a dozen roses in her car at work and a letter accepting my part in the current and prior problems (I’ll explain more later) and asking her to please come home and work on our M. She came over that evening and thanked me for the flowers and said she doesn’t know if she wants to come back and doesn’t know when she will be able to give me an answer. I don’t know if she has stopped the EA and haven’t asked her yet as I feel it would be a mistake to start pushing her right now with her mother situation. THAT WILL be the only sticking point I have if she hasn’t/won’t.
I have also given her a music CD she wanted, baked cookies and brownies and left them in her car… I am NOT a stalker (HA!) just don’t want to take the stuff into her work and possibly start a big scene. I will stop all of that right now.
NO! No, no, no, no, no, no NO!!!
Have you read DB or DR yet? These are all HUGE MISTAKES (altho you certainly wouldn't be the first, Nav).
So let me get this straight: your wife cheats on you, you find out about it, and then SHE gets to decide what SHE wants to do, all the while you pursue her with flowers, songs and frigging BROWNIES???
What's wrong with this picture???
Puppy
What's wrong with this picture is that I am a freaking moron who hasn't been through this before! HAHAHA
Seriously, I have stopped if for no other reason than it was being rather stalkerish.
Me-44 W-41 M-20yrs S13 D18 ILYBINILWY-June 2010 (On our Anniversary)
navajo, as you've realized from reading this board, many other people are going through what you're going through. While knowing that won't solve your problems, it should give you some comfort that you're not alone.
Please take the advice of people here, too ... they've walked through this fire and have learned a lot through hard experience.
I understand your financial limitations (in the same boat myself): see if you can locate DB or DR at your local library. If not, look for a cheap used copy online at Amazon -- I picked one up for a few bucks and the reading is well worth it.
navajo, as you've realized from reading this board, many other people are going through what you're going through. While knowing that won't solve your problems, it should give you some comfort that you're not alone.
Please take the advice of people here, too ... they've walked through this fire and have learned a lot through hard experience.
I understand your financial limitations (in the same boat myself): see if you can locate DB or DR at your local library. If not, look for a cheap used copy online at Amazon -- I picked one up for a few bucks and the reading is well worth it.
Good luck and take care of yourself.
Thank you, I have checked the libraries around here and can't find it. I am planning on hitting a couple of used book stores tomorrow.
I guess I am still in denial, since I thought our love was unconnditional for the past 20 years and was stupidly thinking she would come back on her own once we got it out in the open.
Guess I've got some hard work coming in the future. I really appreciate it!
Me-44 W-41 M-20yrs S13 D18 ILYBINILWY-June 2010 (On our Anniversary)
Oh, one further note, I have changed my ways and am working on being a better person for myself and the kids. I was on the road to being a hermit (seriously). I have no real friends, wasn’t really interacting with my family when I came home, etc because I was hurting over work and financial stuff and didn’t want to burden her with it so I kept it to myself then it just became easier to just not talk at all. She asked my D the other day if I was really changing and she said yes, in a big way, and my W walked away and said “Well, it’s too F’in late”.
Hey Navajo,
Your sitch sounds alot like mine. This statement about becoming a hermit really hit home as I was on the same path. It is one of the signs of depression. I know you might not think it but work and financial stress can catch up with you. Since you were keeping all that to yourself you were probably shutting out your WAW as well making you emotionally distant. At least that was the case for me. See a Doc maybe get on some anti-depresants.
I was hesitant at first but I've been on them for 2 1/2 months and can say I feel 100% better than I did. It will help with stress and you will think more clearly and probably sleep better as well.
And on the financial stuff, consult a L. WAW's are not honorable, at least mine wasnt. Started out wanting nothing from me "I just want out". Now 3 months later she wants half of everything, the house and 100% custody of S11. Remember believe nothing of what they say, it's the fog.
ME:47 WAW:45 SON:19 SON:12 M:21 yrs T: 22 yrs BOMB: 3/26/10 EA/PA apr-may 2010 Current: no OM (I think) moved out sept 2010 D filed D w/b final 4/6/2011
Oh, one further note, I have changed my ways and am working on being a better person for myself and the kids. I was on the road to being a hermit (seriously). I have no real friends, wasn’t really interacting with my family when I came home, etc because I was hurting over work and financial stuff and didn’t want to burden her with it so I kept it to myself then it just became easier to just not talk at all. She asked my D the other day if I was really changing and she said yes, in a big way, and my W walked away and said “Well, it’s too F’in late”.
Hey Navajo,
Your sitch sounds alot like mine. This statement about becoming a hermit really hit home as I was on the same path. It is one of the signs of depression. I know you might not think it but work and financial stress can catch up with you. Since you were keeping all that to yourself you were probably shutting out your WAW as well making you emotionally distant. At least that was the case for me. See a Doc maybe get on some anti-depresants.
I was hesitant at first but I've been on them for 2 1/2 months and can say I feel 100% better than I did. It will help with stress and you will think more clearly and probably sleep better as well.
And on the financial stuff, consult a L. WAW's are not honorable, at least mine wasnt. Started out wanting nothing from me "I just want out". Now 3 months later she wants half of everything, the house and 100% custody of S11. Remember believe nothing of what they say, it's the fog.
Well, how to respond without seeming to be in denial (at least i don't THINK I am)...
I'm really not suffering from depression I don't think. I mean, I AM depressed and sad, but I shake it off when it hits and am carrying on. More outgoing at work and in public as well as with the kids, lost a ton of weight and am exersising regularly. I hear you though and I have been cautious about it since so far this year, life seems to be dumping on me pretty hard. I have asked my family and work friends to keep it honest and let me know if they think I should consult a Dr about it. I will definitely think on this though. Thanks!
As far as turning into a grasping WAW, I don't see it happening. The house was a fixer upper when we bought it and is currently in major need of repair and she can't make the repairs nor afford to have them done, so I don't think she will go after it. As far as money goes, I/we don't have any so it's not an issue! HA!
I hear you about the custody of the minor S though. Once her mom passes and we deal with all of that, I fully intend to get a legal doc signed by us both agreeing on joint custody with the kid's best interest in mind just in case.
Am I still in denial? I don't know. If this scenario plays out like you are warning, I guess I'll just be willing to listen to the "I told you so's".
Me-44 W-41 M-20yrs S13 D18 ILYBINILWY-June 2010 (On our Anniversary)
