I tried, I changed, but still am getting divorced!

[newmama]

Whenever I pray for H to come back I get the work Patience repeating over and over again in my head.

Yep- that is like how I get my answers, too! either a word or phrase repeating, or a nagging sensation. And it isn't just the one day or time. It will linger and linger until I acknoweldge it or take action. Like the class. I prayed on it, got the response, and my gut no longer feels twisted and I have ZERO doubt now about doing it.

If I prayed on it, and still had the anxious feeling, I would pray again and then finally realize that the anxious feeling was lasting because it was my answer.

I prayed last year "Please God, please let me know if he is coming back." I got....NOTHING! No anxiety, no reassurance. Like "be still." ANd you know I asked God about this repeatedly! I also asked "should I divorce him?" and got NO! real fast, like so fast I figured it was just ME not wanting to do, not what is the right thing to do. ANd you know I kept asking from time to time!

Well, when March (2010) rolled around, I started to get a sinking feeling, when stbxh talked about me packing his stuff. I thought "he's not coming back." So I prayed on it. My sinking feeling went away and I got a sense of confidence. Not happiness, just confidence like "hang in there."

Then, on March 25, I could tell he was conflicted when he came over. He was deep in thought. I THOUGHT IT WAS OW! I thought "gee, it has been a year just about. And I BET she is pressuring him to divorce me but he doesn't want to! hahaha. But the joke was on me! I had NO CLUE that he was about to tell me he is ready to go through with the divorce!

So when he surprisd me, I asked God, "why didn't you warn me?" lol! I went to bed devestated. The words "I don't want to lose you" rang in my head and the words "I do not forsee ending my relationship with her." I went to bed thinking "He has to lose me then." But didn't know how to make that happen when I wasn't ready to date. I kept thinking that losing me means I get involved in another relationship.

The next day, my friend C, (who told me last week I was unhealthy for wanting to be with him still) shocked me by convincing me to talk to him and try to reason with him because he still had doubts. And then so did EVERY PERSON I talked to! I went to the beach, prayed about what to say- well, "Please God, please help me find the right words." And I had my handy 5 sentence speech ready for stbxh the next day.

The next thing I prayed about was whether to let stbxh still visit S at the house anymore. For the WHOLE MONTH of April, I had the nagging feeling of YES. MAKE HIM DROP OFF/PICK UP S! But I was too scared to do it or something....
I also had a feeling it would be a month before he was going to let me know his decision, so I got prepared for the worst and had my response ready to go, my attitude, my papers. I WOULD BE STRONG. And I did it. ANd I was right! On April 28, a month later, he told me he decided he doesn't want to keep hurting me and is going to proceed with the paperwork.

So I became very very depressed. I didn't pray. I just thought it was over. But I had this ANGST, this strong discontentment (is that a word?) about my actions. Like I needed to DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT! (was DIM for the month of May and just felt uneasy about it)It wouldn't go away.

But then, I got this idea to totally change direction, around the beginning of this month. Maybe my anti-d's finally kicked in, or maybe I was inspired by the fact that he hadn't given me the papers so it meant he had doubts. But I decided to stop being secretive about what S and I were doing or where I was going and to get him to be thinking of me and to draw him to me. (like my previous plan , but ELEVATED).

I let my guard down. I had a good feeling- I thought he isn't going to divorce me! He will see that there is hope for us! And "even if he divorces me, I will have a good life!"

Then, out of nowhere, he gives me the freakin papers! It's like in the movies, when people are partying and dancing, then suddenly the music stops. eeerrrrroooop! and all are quiet.

Where the hell did this come from? God, why didn't you warn me?

And I stopped praying again. Because I guess I only pray when I want help. And I didn't want it- I just threw in the towel. I needed to get through this pain, quick and rip off the bandaid. I wanted to waive the 90 days. I looked through the paperwork to see about doing that.

But I saw the date on the paperwork. It said May 14. That haunted me! It nagged at me, making me decide to just ask stbxh WHY he waited so long. So I did.
And the next thing that came to me was "ok. gotta make him face his decision. Gotta pack up his stuff. Gotta do this for me, too. For my acceptance." And then I became haunted by "he's uncertain!" and we are all caught up to today.

Now I will pray for the words and when to talk to stbxh.

Oh and to become emotionally stabilized so I can form a decent co-parenting relationship with stbxh.