I am not suggesting you did these things, but he FEELS that you have... its all part of the MLC and not getting enough out of your life etc.. Thinking there's something you are missing out on...
That makes sense. And I'll have to check out that link!!! I addressed the mattress clinging last night. Will update below.
Interesting day yesterday. H started a discussion about things. I proceeded with caution as I wasn't going to allow myself to be sucked in but it seemed different with H, so we did discuss some things. H said things were awkward between us. I agreed. I said I didn't really want to talk with him because until he made a decision to do something to improve the R, nothing was going to change for the better. He said he just doesn't feel the same way towards me anymore. I said I didn't need him to tell me that repeatedly - that it was hurtful and not like I couldn't tell! I mentioned the detachment - the mattress clinging. He said that was all coincidence and he was just trying to be honest. Yet then he went on to say that he didn't mean he didn't have feelings for me - that he loved me - and was physically attracted to me. Of course, I was thinking, well then - is that not enough? Do you really expect to go around feeling "in love" for 50 years? I didn't say that though. I said it has gotten the way it has because we neglected our marriage. That I am taking steps to do all I can by going to MC and bettering myself but that he has done nothing. He said he felt that it was very possible he would never feel that way about me again. I said that emotions are ever-changing and that sometimes your feelings have to follow your actions, not the other way around but that HE had to make a choice: he either wanted to do his best in this or not. That he had to be willing to get help or not. He said he was willing to try some things. Then he was very affectionate - gave me a shoulder rub... then he felt the need to reiterate that there was a strong possibility he'd never feel that way again. I didn't react at all but at that point I wish I'd have shut up. I went on to explain to him that given his childhood, it's no wonder he can detach so easily - and that our lives don't just affect us but our children and others. That the only time children fare better for a divorce is in cases of extreme abuse - that right now, mid-life, is when marriage satisfaction is at its lowest but those who work through it find an extreme increase in marriage satisfaction afterwards... that a lot of times people bail and then wish they hadn't. I guess I didn't need to go into all of that but I did. I wasn't emotional about it - just very factual. He probably didn't agree with a single word of it! BUT... there was no fight or anything. He agreed to a weekend thing I found out about through our counselor. It's on www.savemymarriage.com and claims people don't have to commit to the marriage - just the weekend. Supposedly it's brought people back from the edge of divorce. But anyway, we then went to dinner and a movie - and it was nice. Nothing spectacular - nothing romantic - but nice. When we went to bed H didn't hang over the mattress, lol.
SO...I'm not sure if this was a step forward or just me getting sucked in to being in his pocket. ????
I am going to follow through with the marriage weekend and sending him the information to start FT on his own, without me. I think that would be best. His actions (as to going) will say more than anything. I still think I may be dealing with an EA but can't prove it. In my thinking, why else would he "be so certain" that he will "never feel that way about me again" unless he already has transferred those feelings to someone else??? But that's just me.
You go to family therapy FIRST, interview the FT...
Once you sign off on them, have the FT put a hand written invitation on their business card to your husband by name
"Hi Mr SunnyD, I am hoping to meet with you to discuss how we can make your marriage a lot more worthwhile for you.."
Or something like that.. hand written and then you leave the card for your H on the table or something...
Don't hand it to him, just put it on the table and tell him its there... wait for hiim to pick it up
You can't just send him to a FT blind... NEVER DO THAT
OK...Got it! I was thinking him doing it on his own would show some responsibility/ownership but I can see what you mean. I want it to be someone I know is good with this stuff.
You want to interview these people and meet with them to set an EXAMPLE.. if YOU go he will feel a lot SAFER than walking in blind... You walk across teh shaky bridge FIRST... THEN he will follow you lol
Yeah, isn't that the truth. The sane person gets to be the guinea pig!!! lol
Of course, this is assuming he is serious about going. He still seems to be of the mindset that he doesn't think it will do any good even though he is supposedly willing. SO frustrating!
I'm starting to wonder if H is depressed and needs to be on meds!
On another note: what's the Penny thing I've seen you refer to a few times? Just went and read the mid-life link with the chapters. Very interesting read! What to do about all of it, is the question!
You need to read DR again.. MWD made it very clear that their negative attitude is a product of how they FEEL about their marraige... HOPE is what is missing...
WHen you feel hopeless, your attitude twoards repairing the marriage is hopeless... its a viscious cycle...
YOU have to BREAK the cycle by setting an adult example, doing what needs to be done to save the marriage DESPITE the negative cynicism that he's throwing at you... You can't let HIS hoplessness beat you down...
Hoplessness breeds more of it if you don't combat it... don't expect his hopelessness to go away before you act... and don't pay it any mind, just do what needs to be done as a marital partner and he will follow suit... if he's not addicted to anything
You need to read DR again.. MWD made it very clear that their negative attitude is a product of how they FEEL about their marraige... HOPE is what is missing...
WHen you feel hopeless, your attitude twoards repairing the marriage is hopeless... its a viscious cycle...
YOU have to BREAK the cycle by setting an adult example, doing what needs to be done to save the marriage DESPITE the negative cynicism that he's throwing at you... You can't let HIS hoplessness beat you down...
Hoplessness breeds more of it if you don't combat it... don't expect his hopelessness to go away before you act... and don't pay it any mind, just do what needs to be done as a marital partner and he will follow suit... if he's not addicted to anything
Good reminder!!! I'm praying fervently for God to reveal anything to me that needs revealing, in terms of his possible addictions. I had no luck with the cellphone today because he took it in the bathroom with him when he went in to shower. I have not paid attention to whether or not this is usually the case, but he does usually keep his phone in his pocket most of the time. I guess all I can do short of asking to see it is keep praying for an opportunity to get my hands on it. Going to get that voice activated thing in the next few days as well.
The other thing is his call history may be online at his service provider if you can get in there... you may have a chance to crack that, i don't know...
