OT, that's what I have been doing. Holding. I've been watching him, observing his actions and attitudes. I've been talking to my C about it and about the horrible fear that grips me when I think about saying outloud what I want to say. I mean really, what is the worst that could happen? He freaks, tells me it's been fun but he's not that into me and leaves again? No worries on that....I've survived it before and I'll survive it again. Opening myself up and being openly vulnerable to him him is what scares the bejeezes out of me. I shut down so completely to open emotion and it's hard to open that back up.

Yesterday before Gabe went to work we (Gabe, Marc and I) went for a walk. 3.5 miles wasn't bad but the heat and humidity were about to kill me. I do my exercise as God intended......in my living room with the ceiling fan on and the air conditioning running! smile I was one massive ball of sweat by the time I got home. In the middle of our walk my BFF called. We had been playing phone tag for almost 2 weeks. I let the boys get ahead of me so I could talk to her without much worry about them overhearing anything but we didn't get into too deep a conversation about it. I'm even afraid to tell her that I have such strong feelings for Gabe again. She knows it, I know she does. She has said several things which show me she can hear it in my voice but to actually flat out say it.....I just can't do it.

So.........no idea what to do next. Just hanging here in the land of confusion.......grin

T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43
bomb12/4/07
PA5/07
S12/26/07
D final 11/17/08
Back together with no defined R 05/2010
confused....to say the least!!!