Still trying to find my way

[newmama]

It just feels like so soon H will wake up from his fog.

Don't think it will be SOON! You will be disappointed! It is better to know that it will happen one day! I am just trying to help you from my mistake- I would think "he will come out when S is born." "Well he will come out when S is 3 months, after seeing how much he wants a family." "He will come out after the holidays." "He had a cancer scare! This will help him come out of the fog!" "He will come out after this has gone on for a year."

I STILL BELIEVE MY stbxh WILL come out of this mess! Now (haha) I think it could happen before we are divorced! BUT who knows. He will probably come out when I am least expecting it, when I am seeing someone else, and have gotten over him.

So, my point is, not to set your hopes high for a particular deadline of some sort. The higher the hopes, the harder the crash when they don't happen! But you can still confidently know that your H won't be in this haze forever.

Also, my SIL has been tremendous in supporting me, so I vote that you call yours!

[Mystik]

Thanks, NM. Soon could be next week, or it could be next year. In the grand scheme of things it's all on God's timing, not mine. And I think that I will call SIL, it's not a spur of the moment idea that I've had, it's one that has been pestering me for weeks now.

[Mystik]

Heading out to get my boy, and see H again. Pray for strength for me, everyone, I know I have been.

[TimeHeals]

Pray for strength for me, everyone, I know I have been.

Having read many of your posts, I don't think I need to pray for God to give you strength. It seems God is working at it every day with you. Now if you will stop resisting, and just get back up and live life, God will know you heard him.

[Mystik]

Thanks for stopping in, TimeHeals. I pray for strength because I don't feel that I'm strong enough on my own. And I know He is working with me on that. I do need to get back up and go on, but it's darn hard.

Seeing H today didn't affect me too badly. It stung, but didn't bring me to tears like normal. Not sure if part of that was my joy at having DS home again counteracting the sadness. DS missed me so much, said he missed me so much he could have died. In the car said he couldn't wait to get home and cuddled, we cuddled for about an hour. And I must say, just having DS home makes the day so much less depressing.

[TimeHeals]

I do need to get back up and go on, but it's darn hard.

Getting back up and living life while growing your empathy and compassionate detatchment is how you become stronger.

To become physically strong, you don't collapse on the couch and stay there all day long. You get a ahold of some weights and you start lifting them. Yes, it's harder than collapsing on the couch, but it is also more rewarding.

Getting back up when you have collapsed emotionally without becoming cynical and bitter (becoming crippled) is how you become stronger emotionally. Yes, it's harder than collapsing and just being an emotional mess, but it is also much more rewarding.

You will be stronger, but you have to start by just getting back up even if it seems hard.

[Mystik]

I've been praying for strength, patience, wisdom in how to deal with this situation and help with letting go. I don't ask for much, do I?

Feeling oddly detached from life today, numb to things. Guess I hurt and cried so much last week that this week I need to shut down so I can recover a bit. The incessant nagging to call SIL has gone away, perhaps because the decision has been made to go ahead and call her, just don't know when to do it. H's entire family is coming up this weekend for the holiday, I know at least one SIL told me they're expecting to see me, but that was back on Mother's Day, not sure if it still is true.

H texted me at twenty of ten last night. Turns out he just wanted to ask how DS was doing, said DS wasn't feeling good earlier that day. I told him DS was fine and refused to let me out of his sight all day.

[newmama]

you know, with my crazy rollercoaster experience over the last 15 months, my cycle of emotional state was:
March 09-July 09
depression
numb
hope

Aug-February
depression
numb
hope, happiness
depression
numb
hope, happiness

March-April
depression
numb
hope, happiness
4/28-present:

anger
depression
anger
numb
hope, happiness
depression
anger
numb
ACCEPTANCE ????? happiness????

this isn't an exact sequence, but I notice that for ME, numb followed depression, too! ANd then hope picked me up again.

You said that maybe being numb helped you to shut down so you could recover. That actually makes sense...

And Mystik, I have full confidence that you will pick yourself up very soon. Luckily, it sounds like you haven't had as many suicidal thoughts, right? And many of us who have gone through this have had them! I was talking to a friend of mine with 2 kids who is now reconciling with her wayward husband. She said she had flashes of suicidal thinking when she went through this. I was relieved that someone "normal" like her felt that way! But neither me or her have gone to the step of planning or whatever comes next.

OK don't mean to be dismal! And you know what, if you feel up to seeing your SIL and family this weekend, try it! They will get to see your son, right?

[Mystik]

It's a cycle for me, too. Depression, numb, hope. I have random suicidal thoughts, but never actions. I just want this whole situation over with, either by H coming back or me dying. H returning is the preferable ending. When I was PMSing a couple weeks ago, the suicidal thoughts were much more rampant, as was the depression.

I'm going to see how the week goes before deciding if I'll see H's family this weekend. It also depends on if one of them calls and invites me, I'm not going to go party crashing. They'll all have the chance to see DS, H is taking him Friday morning until sometime Saturday. If I'm up to it, I may call SIL and see if she and I could meet together to talk while she's in the area, too.

[TimeHeals]

I just want this whole situation over with, either by H coming back or me dying.

So... you want to just lay on the emotional couch and not get back up? Like I said, getting up is not as easy and just laying on the couch at first, but it is so much more rewarding.

Notice that your two possible outcomes are weak responses. In one, H comes back, nothing has changed with you, so you don't get stronger. In the other you just give up because you are tired of just laying there instead of getting back up.

A strong response would follow you getting back up and doing what God wants you to do by getting stronger.

For example, if you get back up, start living life again one little baby step at a time, then what is going to happen is you are going to have a fabulous life. Now that is something your H might want to come back to, but... he may not be good enough when you are fabulous.