The journey begins

[ClingingToHope]

I woke up in a complete funk. I've had a couple shocks to the system -- I knew they were coming and got through them last night -- but today they are swimming in my head.

The little one -- Friday when I picked up the girls, the interior main hallway of the house was painted. STBXW is getting the house closer and closer to sell and she painted over the wall where we'd check off the heights of the girls. That just hurts. More memories erased. The girls pointed it out. I didn't need it pointed out. I saw it immediately.

The second -- much bigger shock -- came Saturday afternoon. We needed to pick up a swimsuit for D11. All of her good ones were at the house.

I thought STBXW would be at work -- forgetting she has to get off at 1 p.m. -- so we drove over there. As I was pulling up I noticed the garage door was open and then a little farther up there was a guy there and then I noticed the motorcycle. By what I saw it was the same guy that she was seen with last year at the fair and who sends her messages on FB.

The girls were with me and they saw him and I stopped the car, pulled into a driveway and drove away. They were chattering away. "Who was that?" "She better not be dating him."

I quieted them down with "I think he's a friend of STBXW's best friend."

D11 had an old suit and we made it to the pool so she could swim. D7 has swimmer's ear so we killed a couple of hours inside.

When it was over they played inside while I talked on the phone to my best friend, aunt and sister. Anyone who would listen really.

I mean, I know she's not going to spend the rest of her life without a man. I really doubt she'll get married again -- but I could tell when I'd drop the girls off that she's getting some help on the house. Furniture has been moved. Her dad is dead and she's not strong enough to do it on her own.

So I know she's been getting help and it's likely from her new group of motorcycle buddies. I think I handled it better than when I first learned of him last year.

I sent her a text warning her that she'll have to tell the girls who she is. They saw him.

She texted back asking if I still needed the suits and something for D11's infected toe. I really wanted to say no, but I did need a couple of things.

When she dropped them off I was doing dishes and did not look at her. She had wrapped her hand with gauze so when they asked who the guy was -- and they were mad -- she said she burned her hand on a pressure washer trying to clean paint off the house and he came over to help her after she burned her hand.

The girls wanted me to look at mom's hand -- they were buying it and were very relieved. I glanced over.

It could have been the truth. It could have been a lie. It did not matter either way because I'm no longer the one she calls -- and that's a necessary but tough realization.

I also am falling back into the LBS syndrome. I couldn't help but imagine her laughing at me after she left. She has someone and I don't.

I'm in a funk in other ways. I'm stressing about money. The apartment is a disaster and needs a serious cleaning but I don't have the energy and my cheap vacuum cleaner is broken. The girls also may have broken another camera.

I texted back and forth with the 31-year-old again -- good stuff -- at one point she texted that I'm a great dad.

I so want to ask her out but I don't want to screw things up this summer with the church group. I also fear rejection -- especially since she said she dated another guy twice already -- and I don't feel like being rejected right now.

I also keep thinking about "self validation." I shouldn't NEED to be with someone to feel like I have worth, but yesterday I really felt two feet tall. I started texting the 31-year-old after seeing STBXW's OM. Just exchanging the texts made me feel a bit better.

One thing is I think I'll get off my *ss and call or email my lawyer about the money letter from last Saturday. I can't stop the train and trying to slow it just hurts my finances and keeps alive that little flicker of hope that should just die.

Girls have been here all weekend and I don't think my mood has affected them. Although I know they notice when I give STBXW the cold shoulder. They've had a friend here to change things up and it's been good. We have a tight schedule today so I hope I don't get short tempered.

I thought a lot about STBXW last night. Wistful stuff. The times where we were together and when it was great. It was hard not to shut off my brain. The only dream I remember was the last one and I couldn't get back to sleep -- D7 had snuck downstairs to sleep with me -- STBXW and I were brushing D7's hair together. We'd do that in the morning to get her to school if she had a lot of tangles.

STBXW looked at me and said she needed to take the day off work. I looked at her and asked "why?" She just looked down with a nervous smile and didn't answer so I said "is it divorce related." Again no answerI -- and I woke up.

Self validation? I know it comes from within and I have a lot of validation from my two girls. They love me and I know they hate being apart from me. But I long for the day where I wake up next to a woman again.