The journey begins

[faithisbelieving]

Basic, simple advice that you already know: just continue to be strong and be the best dad you can. Period.

FIB

[ImprovedRomeo]

and to add to FIB's advice...do what's best for YOU and the kids (re: timetable).

[ClingingToHope]

Journaling:

Last night I went to a minor league baseball game to do an eating challenge for the newspaper I work for.

I tried to down three of the most popular items on the menu -- total calories of 7,000.

I got down to two onion rings and just couldn't finish. Another bite and I think I would have puked.

We're turning it into a video. Dozens of fans stopped by to see how I was doing. The TV stations were there and shot me and I was on at least two of the stations. It was fun.

And the 31-year-old from the church group showed up with a female friend. I've been out of the dating game too long to know for sure, but we keep texting back and forth. I'm not sure if she just considers me a friend or is open to something more.

I'd like to find out, but I'm holding back because I don't want to screw things up with the church group since they have several fun things set for the summer and I'm still married.

After failing the challenge, I sat with her for a few minutes and just felt awful. I didn't want to throw up in front of her so I sat with another friend and then headed home.

We texted back and forth yesterday and today and she said it was fun. At the very, very least it's nice to have a single female to interact with.

Today, Wednesday, my night with the girls and all went great up until bedtime. I let them stay up too late and D11 got whiny. D7 could tell and she kept picking at D11. D11 was about to blow up when I jumped in and probably overreacted, but I can't have a big loud fight between the two at midnight.

So D11 went to bed mad and I feel badly about it. We'll see how things are in the morning.

The only things from STBXW this week has been a phone call on Monday because she didn't know how to register D7 for a summer camp. I always took care of all this. Also, one response to one of my emails but no response to a second one.

D11 keeps talking about the house selling process. They don't seem down about it. She really has them believing they'll just go from the family home to a smaller one. Her mom must be pledging to help. For years, STBXW has complained about her younger sister sponging off her mom and now MIL has chipped in on the divorce and ... I'm not sure what else. I wonder if she sees the irony? I doubt it.

I still haven't called my L to discuss last week's letter from STBXW's L. I guess I have no desire to rush. Every point in the process as soon as I've gotten something I hurried up and called or emailed. Now ... why hurry?

[ImprovedRomeo]

Sounds good CTH! The kids will fight and argue at times, it's what they do and as a parent you sometimes have to step in and do what needs to be done.

The 31yo sounds like she's interested in more than just friendship. How far along are you in the D process? I'm assuming you've already done the disclosure/discovery crap? what a pain that is, I'm going through it now.

[ClingingToHope]

Actually, I haven't done the disclosure/discovery stuff. Her L is pushing for it. Mine is saying why bother. I don't want to do it because it'll take a couple of hours and cost another $400-$500.

IRS called today. They are going to start taking $80 a month from STBXW's accounts as of August to begin to pay off the $5,400 we owe in taxes.

I'll send STBXW $40 a month until we pay it off. It'll be interesting to see what she does. As long as we owe the IRS we won't get refunds. They'll just keep them. That'll be big next year if we're divorced because she's likely to get a refund -- all of the mortgage interest -- and I'm likely to owe. My second job doesn't take taxes out and I'll have to pay in.

So they'd seize her refund.

[ClingingToHope]

Journaling: Volunteered at a school last night. A church spearheads an effort to repaint and clean two schools a year. I had a free night so I went over and scraped varnish for three hours.

More text exchanges with the 31-year-old. I'll hopefully see her on July 4 when the church group gets together.

Text from STBXW this morning. D7 has swimmer's ear and can't swim for four days. This is a problem. It's going to be seriously hot this weekend and we were going to spend it at the pool.

Now, I'm wondering if I can get one of D11's friends for Saturday. They could hang out at the pool while D7 and I did something else. A museum in town is celebrating a grand re-opening and that would kill time.

Or I could see if D7 could hang out at a friend's house while D11 and I went swimming.

Nothing new on D front. I have not called my L this week. Perhaps next week.

[ClingingToHope]

Took the girls to a free outdoor movie downtown. It's an effort by officials to get more people downtown. It was packed. The movie was Ghostbusters and the girls liked it.

Unfortunately, there was more swearing than I remembered. I'm glad the line about getting the Stay Puff Marshmellow Man laid went over their heads.

[BobbiJo]

Ghostbusters, what a classic! I still remember the creepy ghost at the library freaking me out! They are doing another sequel, you know...

[awest1217]

That is perfect! Something fun and memorable for the three of you, but cheap. Excellent timing.

[ClingingToHope]

I woke up in a complete funk. I've had a couple shocks to the system -- I knew they were coming and got through them last night -- but today they are swimming in my head.

The little one -- Friday when I picked up the girls, the interior main hallway of the house was painted. STBXW is getting the house closer and closer to sell and she painted over the wall where we'd check off the heights of the girls. That just hurts. More memories erased. The girls pointed it out. I didn't need it pointed out. I saw it immediately.

The second -- much bigger shock -- came Saturday afternoon. We needed to pick up a swimsuit for D11. All of her good ones were at the house.

I thought STBXW would be at work -- forgetting she has to get off at 1 p.m. -- so we drove over there. As I was pulling up I noticed the garage door was open and then a little farther up there was a guy there and then I noticed the motorcycle. By what I saw it was the same guy that she was seen with last year at the fair and who sends her messages on FB.

The girls were with me and they saw him and I stopped the car, pulled into a driveway and drove away. They were chattering away. "Who was that?" "She better not be dating him."

I quieted them down with "I think he's a friend of STBXW's best friend."

D11 had an old suit and we made it to the pool so she could swim. D7 has swimmer's ear so we killed a couple of hours inside.

When it was over they played inside while I talked on the phone to my best friend, aunt and sister. Anyone who would listen really.

I mean, I know she's not going to spend the rest of her life without a man. I really doubt she'll get married again -- but I could tell when I'd drop the girls off that she's getting some help on the house. Furniture has been moved. Her dad is dead and she's not strong enough to do it on her own.

So I know she's been getting help and it's likely from her new group of motorcycle buddies. I think I handled it better than when I first learned of him last year.

I sent her a text warning her that she'll have to tell the girls who she is. They saw him.

She texted back asking if I still needed the suits and something for D11's infected toe. I really wanted to say no, but I did need a couple of things.

When she dropped them off I was doing dishes and did not look at her. She had wrapped her hand with gauze so when they asked who the guy was -- and they were mad -- she said she burned her hand on a pressure washer trying to clean paint off the house and he came over to help her after she burned her hand.

The girls wanted me to look at mom's hand -- they were buying it and were very relieved. I glanced over.

It could have been the truth. It could have been a lie. It did not matter either way because I'm no longer the one she calls -- and that's a necessary but tough realization.

I also am falling back into the LBS syndrome. I couldn't help but imagine her laughing at me after she left. She has someone and I don't.

I'm in a funk in other ways. I'm stressing about money. The apartment is a disaster and needs a serious cleaning but I don't have the energy and my cheap vacuum cleaner is broken. The girls also may have broken another camera.

I texted back and forth with the 31-year-old again -- good stuff -- at one point she texted that I'm a great dad.

I so want to ask her out but I don't want to screw things up this summer with the church group. I also fear rejection -- especially since she said she dated another guy twice already -- and I don't feel like being rejected right now.

I also keep thinking about "self validation." I shouldn't NEED to be with someone to feel like I have worth, but yesterday I really felt two feet tall. I started texting the 31-year-old after seeing STBXW's OM. Just exchanging the texts made me feel a bit better.

One thing is I think I'll get off my *ss and call or email my lawyer about the money letter from last Saturday. I can't stop the train and trying to slow it just hurts my finances and keeps alive that little flicker of hope that should just die.

Girls have been here all weekend and I don't think my mood has affected them. Although I know they notice when I give STBXW the cold shoulder. They've had a friend here to change things up and it's been good. We have a tight schedule today so I hope I don't get short tempered.

I thought a lot about STBXW last night. Wistful stuff. The times where we were together and when it was great. It was hard not to shut off my brain. The only dream I remember was the last one and I couldn't get back to sleep -- D7 had snuck downstairs to sleep with me -- STBXW and I were brushing D7's hair together. We'd do that in the morning to get her to school if she had a lot of tangles.

STBXW looked at me and said she needed to take the day off work. I looked at her and asked "why?" She just looked down with a nervous smile and didn't answer so I said "is it divorce related." Again no answerI -- and I woke up.

Self validation? I know it comes from within and I have a lot of validation from my two girls. They love me and I know they hate being apart from me. But I long for the day where I wake up next to a woman again.