Question

[Jointheclub]

Hi all -
I don't know which forum to ask this on so here goes. My WH moved out 4/17 to pursue OP. No papers filed yet, as I told him I'm not ready to sign anything. Still hope this will turn around, but I know I should be aware of my legal options. Does anyone know how you can possibly go about finding a L that is "marriage" oriented (almost sounds like an oxymoron given that using a L means litigation). Is there any method to it, place to search for one? Thanks.

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Me 47; H47; DD 5, DD12
Together 27
Married: 23.5
Sep 4/17/10
EA 9/07/09
EA/PA 9/9/10
OW 46, divorce pending 7/10

[awest1217]

Join - you may want to start a thread under Surviving the Big D because someone there will have good advice.

Good day today! S and I went to the beach. we were there from 10:30 until 1:45. It was great. We swam, made sand castles, played on the beach's playground...great fun and perfect weather. I am slightly sunburnt, but not too bad.

On the way home, it kind of stunk becuase I got a speeding ticket for going 10 over when I thought the speed limit was what I was going. I only go to the beach maybe 1 or 2 times a year and it is out of state so I didn't know, but oh well...still have a great time!

[Jointheclub]

Thanks awest1217. I will post over there. Have a good weekend. It's been hot here in MD.

[Lucky11too]

Oh thank stinks! Speeding tickets are the worse. =/ But, I'm glad you had a fun time at the beach. I'm hoping to get out with S to the beach next weekend. =)

[awest1217]

busy weekend...beach Friday then my brother and nephew came over. Saturday got up and went straight to get my nephew. Then to my grandmas. Then home to sleep for an hour with S and nephew. Then to a birthday party on another beach where S went on his first boat ride. Then to a city festival then fireworks...and finally bed!

Very tired today!

[awest1217]

Just had to stand up and keep to my boundary with H. She asked Father's day about taking S to see a balloon launch. Not a problem with me, but now H is going too. I said I am ok with MIL and FIL taking S, but H should not be a part of it because if H wants to be a father then he needs to start calling and asking to see S, not seeing S because I (which I have stopped doing) or his parents make him.

This is not supposed to be a daddy/S outing, but a grandparents/S outing. If she can't stick with that then S can't go. H doesn't get to see S whenever he wants. He needs to stick to a schedule now and not just be when it is convenient for him.

Too harsh?

Also...H still hasn't picked up his mail....I have decided to keep him on the car insurance because I get a discount for multicars, and since H has to pay his own insurance, it has nothing to do with me. The big thing is that H's license to teach is just sitting on the front porch and H was supposed to pick it up a week ago. I have finally gained control, and I don't think he likes that.

[Lucky11too]

That's a tough call. I think it depends on the situation. If you think H, on his own account, asked to go and actually wanted to do something with S, then maybe just let it go and not make a big deal about it. But if you think it's just MIL and FIL pushing H or guilting H into going, then that might be good to stand your ground. If it's the first, you want to encourage that kind of behavior. Yes, he should be more consistant with S, but he has to start somewhere. If it's the second, he's definitely not showing progress and he does not deserve that time with S. What's your take of the situation?

With the mail, you are doing the right thing. He knows where it is at and can pick it up anytime, so if his license falls thru or something else, it will be a harsh lesson in reality, but one that would be of his own doing. You can only play "mother" or "mailman" for so long. I think it is so great that you have gained control. It seems like he has strung you along by keeping some control over you for so long, so I'm sure he's probably pretty flustered by not being able to play you to his whims. Keep it up! At the very least, this is good for your own well-being!

[awest1217]

Funny thing...S woke up from his nap and during dinner asked about H. He wanted H to come over to play. I asked S if he wanted to call H, he said yes, so I let him. They had a good conversation, but H used S to talk to me "tell mommy daddy says hi"

Anyway, H is coming over tonight to see S and then again on Wednesday and asked if I wanted to go on Friday and I told him I was not invited. He said he was always planning on going and thought I already knew that.

I really think MIL tries to manipulate everything, where H gets it from, so I am standing up because I am not going to be apart of that.

I don't like that H is coming over and insists on making breakfast Wednesday and do family stuff, but the thing is that I don't have a choice. If S goes to the in-laws then MIL will just play with him or his uncle. Plus S asked for H to come here...so I guess I am just stuck. He wants his daddy and right now I am going to try to let that happen.

I told H how I want a consistent arrangement and he said he understood. He was very upset when i said we aren't a family anymore, but hey that is the reality...

[ClingingToHope]

The definition of family is tough. I remember the original conversation with the girls when I moved out. D11 was crying saying we weren't a family and STBXW and I both said we're still a family, just one where mommy and daddy don't live together anymore.

But since then I've been the one consistently trying to create more separate lives -- and I'm doing it for me and not the girls. I went through the parenting classes that say you should talk twice a week about what's going on with your kids.

I hope to get to that point some day. Right now I can't.

I guess I'm saying your definition of family will evolve over time.

[awest1217]

Sorry CTH, but my definition of a family comes from my childhood, and with all I have been through i doubt it will change. A family is one that supports one another and is there for one another no matter what. H is never "there". He only does what is convenient for him, and that is just selfish.

So H comes over last night and doesn't even want to spend time with S. Tomorrow I am not going to be around! He went downstairs with S for maybe 10 minutes then came to find me. The rest of the night he did everything he could to hang out with me. We had pleasant conversation, but that is it. As he leaves he wants a kiss, and I just don't want one. I don't like him right now and don't want to be with him. I finally realized how he controls me and makes me do things I don't want to do and I am done with it.

Then H texts me about something this Saturday. My step-sister and her family is staying with me all weekend so I said waht about them and he said it would just be a few hours, but it is completely different from what MIL wanted to do. NOw it is an all day air show. It is supposed to be hot that day and it is in the afternoon. IF it was the morning I would be ok with it, but S is going to get hot and cranky, plus I don't think he will sit through hours of watching planes fly, but that could be the girl in me talking. I told H I am done being manipulated by him and his parents. I am tired of being the nice girl and making sure S has a good relationship with them. Tomorrow I am going to tell H to have a set schedule to see S and that is it. I am still fuming because MIL asked to take him to a balloon launch at night and a balloon glow, NOT a whole day event. I am so mad! I told H that I don't trust him and he is a bad dad, but he deserves to see his S. My dad was a bad dad, but I loved him and wouldn't have wanted to not seen him. He loved me a lot and never did anything mean to me so although H is a jerk to me, I have to be nice around S because S deserves to make his own decisions as he gets older.

I am just so mad and frustrated and sad and hurt. This is not the life I chose. This is not the life I wanted, but yet I am the one constantly punished for choices I did not make. It completely sucks! I am getting to the point where I really can't stand H and don't want to be around him. OW cut his hair again (I know because she does a terrible job), and I just don't want to be around him knowing she is still around. I think I will just tell H that tomorrow is him and S only and I am out. I don't want to be apart of their time. I don't want to be around him. All last night he kept saying things like "I will help you with that" or "I can make that if you want". I kept just saying I will think about it, but I don't want him involved in my life so I am not going to ask for anything. I said something about getting stuck on Thursday and he said I should have called him. I didn't say anything because I am not calling him anymore. I am done with him because he won't make a decision, but he can't get that through his stupid head. I AM DONE! I don't want to be with this guy who is unhealthy, weak, and immoral. I don't want to be with a guy who makes me feel horrible and manipulates me to do things I don't want to do. He is hanging on to a girl who he thinks I am, but i am not that girl anymore...I am a grown woman and I don't need him!

Sorry, but as you can tell...very mad this morning.