I have been working through the reading material that OP suggested for me. It has been so enlightening. HB's thread has given me such insight into my situation. I now realise that the signs were there years before the 'bomb' was dropped. Maybe even as long as five years. Can I just give you a brief overview of my last four days? H rang me from the farm on Wed night (had not heard from him since Sunday, did not tell me he was going away) he said the phone had been out but wanted to see if everything was okay. Rang me Thursday night and said he was back and did I want us to go out for a family dinner. Said that I was doing something but would phone him back. I didn't call but sent him a text message saying we were all busy (which we were, I was out with girlfriends, kids out with friends). He texted back and asked about Friday night. I left it til next day and then said okay. We did dinner and movie together. Saturday he rang and suggested he help me clear out the garage so that we could create a studio space for our 16 yo son for his art projects. We did this. This morning (Sunday) he arrived first thing to take 14 yo son to sport and I took 16 yo S. He then organised via 16 yo S for us to have dinner this evening. I'm cognisant of the fact that I could easily have thwarted this plan. So, he has now gone back up to the farm and as it is school holidays here I am taking off with the boys (all three of them) for a week down south. I so need to distance. I know that. HB's words about 'fence sitting' and 'cake eating' are ringing in my ears. I am trying to work out where I/he is in the stages of MLC. I am also acutely aware that I am entering a phase that I need to navigate/negotiate with care, compassion and understanding. But I really need to look after me. I don't actually want to go back to what our marriage was (even though that is probably a distant possibility). I am learning so much about myself on this journey. I am inspired by everything I read on this site and am learning so much from everybody elses stories. I am using the Michele filter at all times 'is this going to bring me nearer or further away from my ultimate goal?'. In all honesty, after the last few days, I am drained. I have to let go. I want to let go. I feel a bit of a failure for talking the talk, but not walking the walk. There was one of the threads that OP suggested I look at that talked about letting the leash of a dog that became lost go, so that he could find his way back. Its what I need to do. I cannot thank each of you for supporting me and taking the time to reply to my thread. You are truly amazing and wonderful people. And OP, your recommended reading list should be core texts for everybody dealing with an MLC spouse. Thank you from the bottom of my heart x
