I'm back after quite a while. I took the advice of the DB coach, who said to make the most of "family time" with me, H, and S5, be a really good friend and drop the rope of any bait. We stopped going to MC for a month, but we are headed back next MOnday.
On this advice, things were more friendly for a while, and I was feeling hopeful. THen as we stayed away from MC, H started baiting me more and more. It started with constant jabs - criticisms disguised as jokes and followed up with surprise that I was "getting all upset over nothing", and it grew into hostility. I tried to tell him to stop, hung up on him, walked away, this increased the hostility. I tried to talk to him when we were calmer and weeks had passed - it quickly devolved into him accusing and blaming me of doing things I wasn't like manipulating him and making him look bad and me look like a saint, telling half truths and lies, etc. IT went nowhere.
My dilemma is this. To keep being patient and friendly, or to walk away myself and shut down. I feel like I"m doing doormat behavior here. I know I had the affair first. This was 15 months ago. I recently found out he's been seeing OW for 11 months now. I have stopped all my acting out behaviors, joined support groups, realized part of the affair was actually rape and stalking (another story), I have gone to MC, apologized, changed, owned my stuff, had empathy with his pain and lack of trust. What have I gotten? Lied to about his OW. Led on for months in MC that we were considering reconsiliation, only to be told "I'm not coming back" the day the Legal Separation papers were signed (I feel manipulated into this). I have been yelled at, criticized, teased, laughed at, put down, insulted, sworn at - every week and at times daily since the separation. I mean how much patience, calmness, friendliness, and commitment should I continue to put in?
Yesterday I found an old journal of H's. H does not keep journals. It was written when he first met OW, last July/Aug. There are lists of really fun activities to do with OW. There were lists of places to stay on a vacation he never told me about. There were lists of all his time spent with S. All hidden from me and leading me to believe now the legal separation was a way to get me to sign papers that could be used undisputed in a D (as H made sure they would be) without a fight from me (as he has told me he wanted).
I realize how I let myself be misled and lied to and I feel enraged. I want to go back to court and fight. I want to call domestic violence lawyers and fight for more custody (my state insists on 50/50 usually), I want to fight for more money. I should have fought from the start, but was playing it cool as I was owning how I had destroyed our marriage, and wanted reconsiliation. I wanted to buy myself time. And every time he said "if we reconsile" or came to MC, I had hope. It was all lies.
And today I see a picture posted on H's twitter of a romantic beach scene - nobody was in it, but this is a man that never went to the beach - I had to drag him there in the past, it's not his thing. It smells of woman. I can't take it, I have to stop looking at his twitter. But when he cancelled dinner tonight with S and I, I knew anyhow what that meant.
What do I do? Act on these feelings of rage I have? Calm down and continue doing what the DB coach said? Many DB friends say I need to be the WAS now, to stop the abuse, to draw a line with the OW, to take legal power back. But the coach said to create positive times together and not take the bait when he spews so our times are positive in his mind. This is terribly hard with all the criticisms, blame, insults and anger I get, as well as it is demeaning.
I still want my marriage but am unclear as to how to proceed. I need a plan. Allen, anyone, please help!
