New question: H and I have now lived apart for 4.5 months (I asked him not to come home on latest d day). I'm doing NO investigating and don't know if there's an OP or not (his antics have been mostly cell/text). We didn't see eachother for 2 weeks due to him being on a trip and then me being on one.
Tonight we got together for dinner. No problems. Fairly good time. I just feel weird though. Like I'm very disconnected from him. Like when we hugged it was missing something. Is this "disconnected"? Or is this "M over"?
I'm taken aback by my feelings. He seemed ok...not sure if he felt this or not. He hides all his feelings anyway so I wouldn't know. He seems (of course I have no way of knowing what he thinks)to think I'm holding down the fort at home. As if it's not possible that I'd ever get fed up enough to be done.
Thoughts? Thanks.
M--14 years T--20 years, HS sweethearts dday #1--2002 EA dday #2--2005 bar sl*t dday #3/4--Feb 2010 texting/cell/physical/who knows what Shortly after found out he had been injecting steroids for 2 years
M--14 years T--20 years, HS sweethearts dday #1--2002 EA dday #2--2005 bar sl*t dday #3/4--Feb 2010 texting/cell/physical/who knows what Shortly after found out he had been injecting steroids for 2 years
PEI, Mila and I have all posted within the last 3 weeks or so about this same feeling. You can look at our threads. I think we all agree that it's very uncomfortable, but a sign of detachment, which is good. Do you feel more calm and peaceful, more able to control your emotions around your H? Don't worry about your H seeming OK -- he may or may not be -- how do you feel?
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
Disonnecting is a way of protecting yourself. It doesn't mean anything you don't want it to mean. Do you want your M to be over? If you don't and you are patient, then things remain to be seen. Could he file etc, etc? Sure. You can only deal with what's in front of you unless you initiate some action.
I have to tell you though, I am still legally married with no legal action that I am aware of coming in the immediate future. Does this make my odds any better? No sweetie, it doesn't. My H divorced me emotionally before he ever moved out. What does that mean? Nothing. It is what it is.
My feelings towards him have vascillated from close to far. What my feelings are vs what I show are two different things. I guess I'm just stubborn.
As far as his belief that you'd never get fed up enough, well, don't play into that. If, at some point you decide you are done (or not), do it based on your own internal yardstick, not what you think he may be thinking.
(I asked him not to come home on latest d day)... I just feel weird though. Like I'm very disconnected from him. Like when we hugged it was missing something. Is this "disconnected"? Or is this "M over"?
Amg,
You keep saying that you didn't throw your H out, but you did ask him not to come home. Isn't that the same thing?
While it probably is better for you, it has definately helped you become detatched, please don't get stuck in the victim role here.
Yes, to a degree you are a victim, all LBS are victims, but to allow yourself to act like a victim, is to not accept any responsibility in any of this. Unfortunately, we all have our own roles to play in the demise of our M's, regardless of MLC.
Originally Posted By: amg2
He seems (of course I have no way of knowing what he thinks)to think I'm holding down the fort at home. As if it's not possible that I'd ever get fed up enough to be done.
And here is the victim coming out, even if you don't realize it.
Yes he expects you to "hold down the fort". You are the one living at home.
Whether he thinks you will never reach your done point or not, who knows?
It doesn't really matter.
As long as you don't reach it out of anger and frustration, if you reach it, you do, if you don't, you don't.
What you feel right now, is a normal part of the process. As we remove ourselves from the drama, we begin to feel a peace of NOT having that in our lives. It doesn't necessarily mean that your M is over, just that you are not wrapped up in all of the day to day crap anymore and it is sort of a good feeling. Only you know if it means your M is over or not.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
^^^ Wow these last three posts really got me thinking. Especially the "victim" talk. Thanks. I'm going to read the threads you referred to Twink.
Today was an eventful day. Up to this point I've not really let on that I'm 99 percent sure H is still having some type of inappropriate contact. I don't do ANY type of investigating anymore so am not SURE. Long story short, he pulled some weird stuff about needing to keep his Saturday night free even though a family gathering had been discussed all week. I reached a point where it was time to let him know that I knew that was more going on here. Here's what I said:
"I'm not able/willing to be in a situation that involves "other people" than the two of us, and secrecy from you. My patience is not without limits. I've expressed this clearly and honestly."
"I think things would unfold more smoothly for both of us if you didn't misrepresent our conversations to either of our families in order to support your actions/untruths. Do what you feel you must, as will I. I am not able to be, nor do I have a necessity to be, in an open marriage. Thank you for taking this into consideration. Please let me know if you'd like me to clarify."
I now plan to continue being very dim. I keep feeling like this is headed toward me filing for a D. If it is, it is I guess. Planning to expose truth to my family in just over a week (after a planned party).
Thoughts? Thanks.
Last edited by amg2; 06/27/1005:10 AM.
M--14 years T--20 years, HS sweethearts dday #1--2002 EA dday #2--2005 bar sl*t dday #3/4--Feb 2010 texting/cell/physical/who knows what Shortly after found out he had been injecting steroids for 2 years
Ok, you've put your cards on the table. If it were me (and this is where you have to decide what's right for you), I wouldn't bring it up again and I wouldn't snoop. If he brings it up and you choose to have that convo, go ahead. You have alot more contol than you think. The deal is, you control you. Only you, only your actions.
You say you feel like it's you who will be filing. Why? If it's what you want, by all means. If it isn't, why would you? I get it, I am asking the questions for you to think about.
When you say expose the truth to your family, I would caution you against slamming him. Just my 2 cents.
Thanks Grace_O. I'm with you...I don't plan to bring it up again. Up until this point, it is my GUESS (can't read his mind but can logically deduce) that he has thought that IF I suspected ANYTHING, I wouldn't have the ability to stay calm, not confront. What he doesn't realize, is that I've detached and am changing, and have KNOWN he was blatantly lying about his actions and I smiled and said "see you later...have fun." He will lie about ANYTHING and thinks it will be believed. Always. His lying is amazing. He does not consider himself caught unless you have physical evidence of something. It's ridiculous. As much experience as he has lying, you'd think he'd be better at it for goodness sakes!
As far as filing, I'm jumping the gun by mentioning it. I think it will be me, at this moment, because I think he is spineless, pathetic, weak and not respectable. I don't, at this moment, think he's strong enough to D me or to step up and be accountable. I reserve the right to have different feelings tomorrow. At this moment, I feel like I want his "crazy making" further away from me. Yes I realize this is detachment. I have a good friend who very recently "jumped the gun" and filed for D. I have no idea why, as he desperately wants to be with his wife. It was completely a reaction. If I do file, it won't be out of reaction. But deadlines, the future, moving on, are floating about in the depths of my mind. I guess presenting my suspicions to him today seems to me like a step in the direction of a D. Really I guess it's not though...nothing new. I've been sitting on this solidly for over two months.
And as far as the family. Ughhh the dreaded exposure to family. Our parents have known from the d day. Most of his family (much smaller than mine) knows he is out of the house. However, my family (much larger, extended, lots of contact) does not know. I've lied for nearly 5 months with excuses and BS. It stresses me and isolates me from them. I've done it up to this point b/c 1)I wasn't ready or able to deal with them and 2) I didn't want him "punished" is we reconcile. I did a test run with a trusted, calmer family member today. We agreed I should say "We are separated. No decisions have been made. I will let you know when that changes. That's all I have to say." I do not want and cannot deal with them punishing him as a show of support for me. I expect this from some family members. I don't feel it is in MY best interest to continue lying though.
I'd appreciate input!
M--14 years T--20 years, HS sweethearts dday #1--2002 EA dday #2--2005 bar sl*t dday #3/4--Feb 2010 texting/cell/physical/who knows what Shortly after found out he had been injecting steroids for 2 years
Also, I don't do any snooping any more. I had my friend change the password to monitoring the cell phone online, and when I did that, I immediately lost the desire to check the things I still can (email accts that aren't secret, bank, credit card). This was about 2 months ago. NOT looking at these things has helped me immensely. I highly recommend it...only once you are ready though. Once you know you're running yourself into the ground with it.
Thanks
M--14 years T--20 years, HS sweethearts dday #1--2002 EA dday #2--2005 bar sl*t dday #3/4--Feb 2010 texting/cell/physical/who knows what Shortly after found out he had been injecting steroids for 2 years
At this moment, I feel like I want his "crazy making" further away from me. Yes I realize this is detachment. I have a good friend who very recently "jumped the gun" and filed for D. I have no idea why, as he desperately wants to be with his wife. It was completely a reaction. If I do file, it won't be out of reaction. But deadlines, the future, moving on, are floating about in the depths of my mind. I guess presenting my suspicions to him today seems to me like a step in the direction of a D. Really I guess it's not though...nothing new. I've been sitting on this solidly for over two months.