So OW's mother is basically against affair, but since OW 'rents' part of the house she feels she can't do anything about it. I asked her to show overt disapproval whenever possible instead of just sitting by and watching it like a horrible play. She said she has before and it didn't do any good. I said, please for the sake of repairing a family at least try.
DN (OW's mother) is actually an individual counselor... and tried to basically give me a session over the phone! lol.. anyway.. she gave me the line that it takes two to work on the marriage. I politely disagreed and told her I was seeking help from a licensed marital and family therapist who has a different view.
She also recommended I move out with DD and go dark to shock H into seeing what divorce would be like. She swore she wasn't saying that for OW, but because she thinks that's the only thing that has any hope of getting through to H at this point.
I don't want to believe that, but I've not dealt with this before... any opinions?
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
Did you suggest that maybe the boot her daughter out and let her deal with those consequences as a way to shock her into seeing what it's like to actually stand on your own?
I have a hard copy of computer chat with the info.
And H already blasted me for calling OW M... H got texted. I thought from OW, but he says OW Sister. I got the "this is about us, why do you keep dragging everyone into it?" speech. I calmly (as much as possible anyway) told H that it was his choice to engage in an affair thereby making it public and no longer just between the two of us. I even got the "what are you? 13? It's so childish to call her MOM because you haven't gotten your way." I said, "It's childish to have an affair and lie about it and destroy your family with it." Then he said, "Fine you want it public, I can make it public... I've been hiding it for YOUR benefit.. blah blah blah." I called his bluff.
H arranged for everyone to be gone and blasted me. Ouch. I expected it, but it was hard to deal with. Especially some of the comments he made that were blatant lies. And I was detached enough to see when he kept trying to shift talk away from his actions and back to blaming me. He got even angrier when I interupted and asked him to return to the topic of his actions that are destroying the family, not of my mistakes.
I should say OW mom already knew about affair and that I was against it, and I knew she thought it was wrong, but I had not spoken with her directly till today. I couldn't find her phone number (it's unlisted), but I saw a number on H's phone list and called it on a hunch. She did say I could call her directly any time I wanted to. I like your idea and will take her up on that.
I finally got a hold of his only male friend.. he'd recently got in contact with H, so I got the phone number out of the phone list. I had to talk to him through text, but got my point across, and he told me H already knew he disapproved of the affair and it didn't seem to matter. I said, 'then please approach it from a destroying family to saving family view point and keep telling him that.' I didn't get a response, so I hope he's at least considering it.
As far as the last people to know - I hate to admit this, but my parents don't know the whole story. They know something is wrong, and they know there is another woman involved, but I haven't come clean about EVERYTHING. I've done this because H thinks they already know enough to hate him (which they don't hate him) and because they won't get involved - they feel I'm an adult and I have to live my life and make my choices on my own. They are there for me to retreat to, but not assist in anyway other than a shoulder to cry on and financial support if absolutely needed. I hate to be pessimistic about that stance, but I know for a fact (from prior experiences) it will do more harm than good to tell them the "whole" story unless I'm forced into it.
H asked how I'd feel if he called my mom and told her. I said, "go ahead. You'd save me from the painful conversation. What will you tell her? You want a divorce because you're in love with someone else and have been having a secret affair with her?" H said, "I'd tell her half that." So I said "well, then I suppose it'd be up to me to clear up the lie of omission." He dropped it after that.
I'm the type of person who cries when I get extremely emotional. H knows that and I know that. All the time I was using the "destroying family" and "rebuilding our family" responses and not trying to get emotional, I was holding back tears. DD and MIL pulled into the drive and I started crying because I started thinking about DD and that pushed me over the edge.
H jumped on it and in a snide voice said "why the waterworks now when everyone gets home?" I just looked at him and said "I thought of what your actions are doing to our daughter" and greeted DD, told her mommy was crying because something upset her and she needed to go for a walk to feel better. I then went for a two mile walk. I've been home ignoring H, not engaging him in convo and yet all the while being my happy, playful self with DD and MIL/FIL.
Last edited by elvencat; 06/27/1001:48 AM.
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
Oh - I also found out that H thought I has an affair when I was working so much and staying late. He acted like I was at fault for him thinking that.. argh.. this is just getting weirder and weirder.... I so want it to be over, but I don't want to give up on our family.
I want us to hit rock bottom so all we can do is go back up, but I have this gut feeling we're only a small way into the rabbit hole.
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
The reverse affair accusation happens all the time, i got hit with it too.. It's not weird, its part of the game they play... its their guilt manifesting itself...
He feels less guilty if he thinks you cheated on him first...
I think you did quite well...
The only thing I would suggest though is NOT taking his blasts.. just walk away until he calms down and shows some calm respect for you...
You won't convince him of anything when he's reacting to the exposure, its just pure rage at violating his fantasy world.. you took a step to force him into reality and you see what happens... The addict goes into reality kicking and screaming... they will never dance across that safety line..its always a tug of war... you saw that first hand tonight
If he gets up to leave go right to the phone and make the call...
Send OMW some articles on infidelity if you want... I don't know if it will help, but it may educate her a bit more on this whole mess...
The Love as an excuse for infidelity from Tupy comes to mind
Thanks for the vote of confidence. I was so ready to walk away after hearing everything spewing from H's mouth that I knew to expect, but wasn't quite ready to face. Actually - this is probably the kick in the pants I needed to quit being sucked in to his placating. Won't happen any more.
I don't know that sending articles will help, but I like the idea.. the only problem is I'd have to snail mail as I don't have any way to electronicly send them. I don't know if that's a good idea or not.
And I just looked up MO law about disputing divorce. If we haven't been separated more than 6 months and I contest the divorce, the judge has to grant a continuation of the judgement for not less than 30 days and not more than 6 months, and has to recommend marital counseling (note - can't force, but has to recommend).
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
I like your idea and will take her up on that.