Soaring Solo 2010

[Gardener]

snodderly,

Gardener.
Being a friend does not necessarily mean best pals/buds, it can also mean "friendly". No one can be a true friend to someone who has done what they've done to you and others here. True friends don't do what they've done and continue to do.

Do not second guess yourself. I've followed your postings and you've done everything you can to be friendly and supportive to your xw.

Move forward and some day, the dynamics of your communication/relationship w/your xw may change, but it won't be for a long time.

It's time to focus on you and your future.

I'm honored. I have gleaned so much from your Runaway MLC thread from several years back. Read it all. And printed much out.

Much new insight. Much reinforcing what I had intuited over the months.
Friends? No. She ended our friendship. Repeatedly.

I don't know how long you've been following, but a couple of months ago I "interviewed" 4 new ICs. At that time, I posted

I also consulted with a psychiatrist who I saw for 6 or so sessions in '06 as I undertook quitting alcohol. Back then, I had I asked Mrs. G. to accompany me and, thankfully, she did; it helped a lot. When I brought him up to date on the last 4+ years, and the walk away, inexplicable alien behavior of former wife (adding a description of her horrid FOO and upbringing) as well as the sudden death of her physically abusive father five months before the Bomb, he made a most interesting comment: "I always had a sense that Mrs. G. was speaking from a place of deep trauma."

Her father died and ended our marriage.
And then, 6 weeks or so after our divorce, this exchange:

X: Well, since you had said once in the Mediator's office that you wanted to still be friends, I thought it would be nice to...start.
G: (Pause) I think you misunderstood. You had used the word "civil" and I said I hated that word but I would always act friendly and polite. ACT friendly.
X: Surprised. Silence.
G: X, you ended our friendship. The way I view it, if any friend - (citing three of mine:) friend 1, friend 2, or friend 3 - any friend demonstrated to me - proved to me - that their word, their promise, their commitment, let alone vow, was meaningless, worthless, I would consider that friend to have ended our friendship at that point. You ended our friendship many times in many ways throughout this. You've made it clear that you are no longer my friend and I don't want to be yours.
X: Well, um, I guess I certainly misunderstood that.(coversation @ mediator's)
G: I'll act friendly and polite if we find ourselves at a family function or something. Friendly and respectful.
X:(some kind of mumbled comment which felt like a "how big of you" sarcasm.) I ignored it, smiling.
G: X, friends don't do the things you've done.

Ant that's where I remain to this day.

Long before I pieced this all together, I remember telling my IC more than once, "I will be okay. I will come out of this. But I have the feeling that my dear friend is in for a big fall."

Thanks, again, snodderly.
For everything.