Still chipping away at EA

[elvencat]

I have a hard copy of computer chat with the info.

And H already blasted me for calling OW M... H got texted. I thought from OW, but he says OW Sister. I got the "this is about us, why do you keep dragging everyone into it?" speech. I calmly (as much as possible anyway) told H that it was his choice to engage in an affair thereby making it public and no longer just between the two of us. I even got the "what are you? 13? It's so childish to call her MOM because you haven't gotten your way." I said, "It's childish to have an affair and lie about it and destroy your family with it." Then he said, "Fine you want it public, I can make it public... I've been hiding it for YOUR benefit.. blah blah blah." I called his bluff.

H arranged for everyone to be gone and blasted me. Ouch. I expected it, but it was hard to deal with. Especially some of the comments he made that were blatant lies. And I was detached enough to see when he kept trying to shift talk away from his actions and back to blaming me. He got even angrier when I interupted and asked him to return to the topic of his actions that are destroying the family, not of my mistakes.

I should say OW mom already knew about affair and that I was against it, and I knew she thought it was wrong, but I had not spoken with her directly till today. I couldn't find her phone number (it's unlisted), but I saw a number on H's phone list and called it on a hunch. She did say I could call her directly any time I wanted to. I like your idea and will take her up on that.

I finally got a hold of his only male friend.. he'd recently got in contact with H, so I got the phone number out of the phone list. I had to talk to him through text, but got my point across, and he told me H already knew he disapproved of the affair and it didn't seem to matter. I said, 'then please approach it from a destroying family to saving family view point and keep telling him that.' I didn't get a response, so I hope he's at least considering it.

As far as the last people to know - I hate to admit this, but my parents don't know the whole story. They know something is wrong, and they know there is another woman involved, but I haven't come clean about EVERYTHING. I've done this because H thinks they already know enough to hate him (which they don't hate him) and because they won't get involved - they feel I'm an adult and I have to live my life and make my choices on my own. They are there for me to retreat to, but not assist in anyway other than a shoulder to cry on and financial support if absolutely needed. I hate to be pessimistic about that stance, but I know for a fact (from prior experiences) it will do more harm than good to tell them the "whole" story unless I'm forced into it.

H asked how I'd feel if he called my mom and told her. I said, "go ahead. You'd save me from the painful conversation. What will you tell her? You want a divorce because you're in love with someone else and have been having a secret affair with her?" H said, "I'd tell her half that." So I said "well, then I suppose it'd be up to me to clear up the lie of omission." He dropped it after that.

I'm the type of person who cries when I get extremely emotional. H knows that and I know that. All the time I was using the "destroying family" and "rebuilding our family" responses and not trying to get emotional, I was holding back tears. DD and MIL pulled into the drive and I started crying because I started thinking about DD and that pushed me over the edge.

H jumped on it and in a snide voice said "why the waterworks now when everyone gets home?" I just looked at him and said "I thought of what your actions are doing to our daughter" and greeted DD, told her mommy was crying because something upset her and she needed to go for a walk to feel better. I then went for a two mile walk. I've been home ignoring H, not engaging him in convo and yet all the while being my happy, playful self with DD and MIL/FIL.