I tried, I changed, but still am getting divorced!

[gatsby11]

Trying to be positive here: you're creating YOUR space now! With S. Maybe you can buy some nice pictures or put up new photographs of you with S!

[newmama]

OK a few people now have said to me that they still think there's a chance stbxh might not complete the divorce because he has doubts.

I don't know what to think! I mean I don't know what I am supposed to do. Yeah I know- "what do I want?" well I do want a second chance at my marriage with a remorseful and willing H.

So if I don't want this D I guess it was wrong of me to quickly get the acceptance paper notarized and then sign up for the classes so quickly? He gave me the D papers on 6/14. On 6/16 I handed him the notarized paper. On 6/17 I handed him the custody class registration. Now I am set to start July 6.


But REALISTICALLY--stbxh and OW have packed her crap up, moved it 25 miles to my town to live in the 3 bedroom house that he is leasing with her for a year. I know I have said this numerous times, but it IS SIGNIFICANT.

I have a feeling that stbxh bought new furniture for the place since he is taking practically nothing from our house and she has some crappy furniture (well when I went to her house 2 years ago).

So why is he so stupid to serve me with D papers when he has doubts, and then to give OW a sign of commitment like moving into a house together...that is 25 miles from her old stomping grounds.

It's not like he will tell me next month "oh crap, newmama, what am I doing? I don't want the divorce!" when she has JUST uprooted her things and moved into a house with him?? The D would be over by November. MAYBE something could change by then. But it will be harmful to me to avoid accepting that the D will happen. IMO.

Am I making sense at all? Am I worrying too much about practical issues like the relocation? I have just seen others mention how their cheating spouses feel a sense of responsibility to the OW (I know it's wrong) and they stay in the affair way too long because of it.

OK and the other night I had a dream that on the day (today) that stbxh was moving into his new place, he came over to our house. He parked his trailer (for hauling) in front of the house and made room for a moving truck. Then his mom, grandma, sister and a bunch of strangers (well not to them) showed up unannounced at like 9 a.m.! I was so annoyed and shocked! They were acting like this wasn't happening and we were still a regular family. I told stbxh that he needs to let his mom know this was wrong to do, disrespectful to me. He wouldn't tell her, so I did. She said she understood, but didnt' leave! And the topper to all of this--stbxh said "newmama, it's only for a YEAR! I'll be back!" and somewhere in there he mentioned a different woman's name, likehe was breaking up with OW.

[WhatNow]

My response here may not be good DBing, but it is MHO based on what I have read in your threads since Jan and on my own experience (which is very different from yours). So take it as a "devil's advocate" type thing.

You are prepared to move on and end this M? Then why not say what you want to say? I would have questioned him on the uncertainty comment. (Yes, I am one of those who thinks of great things to say AFTER the fact!) You have DB'd so well, does he know how you feel? Do you feel you have said everything there is to say? I have thought of doing a "post game recap" with my H however we end up.

Obligation. This topic I did challenge with my H. A few weeks ago he said he felt obligated to OW. OW's help encourage this and feed it, I am sure. (They do not DB!)In all of their foggy, distorted thinking patterns (Google that if you haven't already)WS's do not/cannot see the other side of the coin. (DUH, wife family, vows) newmama, you have DB'd so well, Your H may need reminding you think you should raise your S as a family, not 2 families. OW's string in your H's nose is obvious.

Your dream: Have you spoken up to his family? Told them of his uncertainty? (My H's family is a "follow your bliss no matter what" type so that would do me no good) It is statistically likely that their A will disintegrate within a year once it is in "the real world". Unlike my H, your H is showing some integrity by Ding you before living openly w/OW. (It is twisted, I know, see "distorted thinking patterns") he is also under pressure to do so by OW.

Opposing views are welcome. These are just thoughts, not my firm stance.

[Mystik]

I have to agree with WhatNow. If you have reached your end point, then what harm will there be in speaking your mind?

And yes, OW obligation. I am fighting against that, as well.

[newmama]

Thanks WN for your thoughts! OK let me respond and see what you think. Or others. You can challenge me, it's fine! This is soooo freakin' hard!!!!!

When he said he was uncertain, the reason why I didn't say "let's make this work! what are you doing???" is because

1) I have told him that I wanted to save the marriage every time he brought up D in the last year (like 4 times) and again I told him in March. I didn't tell him in April when he told me he has thought about it and wants a divorce.

Thus, I figured he knows what I want.

2)I figured it was too late. He signed the lease. He filed the papers. He was moving in 1 week. I figured it would be unrealistic of me to think he would not want to do this.

3)I thought "you are such an idiot. you are so weak! you are also THROWING ME AWAY WHILE YOU HAVE DOUBTS!" Meaning I am disposable between him and OW. Meaning "well, I could lose newmama in this...but I will divorce her anyway and just throw chance to the wind. I am sure she will be there if I change my mind." It just pissed me off! And HURT! worse than when he left me to begin with!

So I wanted him to actually feel the consequences of his decision.

That is emotional and not what is best, I know.

About speaking to his family- I did speak to his sister. He doesn't listen to his family and never has. So I don't know if it would do any good. I did think about talking to his mom. Maybe that is what the dream was about. I have his grandma's number- she wanted me to take S down to visit them but they live 5 hours away. I haven't called her back.

And stbxh has been living with OW since April of 2009 but I guess the difference is that he got to live far away from his family and me so maybe it was not realistic.

Oh and I guess the other reason why I didn't tell him again that I wanted to save our marriage is that I am tired of being the one who is trying to convince him. I am tird of being the only one who is FIGHTING for this family. I want him to want it.

Not that any of the reasons why I didn't fight more or plead or beg are "right." I am just saying that's why.

I think I might ask him a little more about the uncertainty. I need to figure out the right timing. It is unlikely by 99.9% that he will not move in with OW now.

People can always move out, though....

[WhatNow]

This will be quick. I gotta get to Costco before it becomes a madhouse. My nephew is flying in today!!! He is 16 and always hungry!

So I wanted him to actually feel the consequences of his decision.

That is emotional and not what is best, I know.

They were all fine reasons at the time.

I have his grandma's number- she wanted me to take S down to visit them but they live 5 hours away. I haven't called her back.

Sounds like a road trip to me!! Get on the phone and plan it today. I assume there is other fun stuff to do with a 1yo there? Photo ops for his 1 year portrait? all kinds of reasons to do it!

And stbxh has been living with OW since April of 2009 but I guess the difference is that he got to live far away from his family and me so maybe it was not realistic.

Did he have a sham apt, too?

Oh and I guess the other reason why I didn't tell him again that I wanted to save our marriage is that I am tired of being the one who is trying to convince him. I am tird of being the only one who is FIGHTING for this family. I want him to want it.

It is exhausting. As far as him wanting it? See distorted thinking patterns! Joni Mitchell (a singer for you youngins') said you don't know what you've got til it's gone. (Paved paradise and put up a parking lot) Great...now that'll be stuck in my head all day!

Not that any of the reasons why I didn't fight more or plead or beg are "right." I am just saying that's why.

Now you know, begging and pleading is never good. How would you speak to a teenager who is hell-bent on making a huge mistake in their life? This approach seems to get-through to my H (but not immediately...I plant seeds, ask rhetorical questions,etc) Days, weeks, sometimes months later, he comes up with these amazing thoughts/ideas.

Write H another letter. (don't send it! and don't read the other one you wrote til after) See what comes out.

TTYL

[courageous wife]

(((NM)))

What's right? What's wrong? Why is this so hard?

As far as your responce to the D papers...it was the opposite of what you had been doing, which may have thrown him...I think that was good and besides, whether you signed them now or at the last possible minute, they still needed be signed...now the rest, can be drug out for quite awhile IF you want...

Whatever you decide to do as far as talking with your H, be prepared for either way it could go and if goes the D way that you will be at peace with yourself knowing that you did all you could do and are ready to move on...

[Mrs. A]

Oh and I guess the other reason why I didn't tell him again that I wanted to save our marriage is that I am tired of being the one who is trying to convince him. I am tird of being the only one who is FIGHTING for this family. I want him to want it.

NM, I am RIGHT THERE WITH YOU!! As you may remember, WH and I were at a hearing the other day. The judicial attorney said, I remember your faces, but I don't remember your issues. (EYEROLL!!) Then WH's L said, The only real issue is that Mrs. A doesn't want to get D'd and Mr. A does. And the JA said, Oh yeah, I remember. (To me) You know you can't stop this, right?

I was like, YES, DUH!! You told me that 6 weeks ago!!! PLEASE stop saying it!!!!!

I just said yes, but it was SO ANNOYING! And it's not where I am anymore! Like you, I want WH to want me again. When the JA said that, I just felt personally pathetic and like she has no clue. I love Mr. A (soooooo much), but I am NOT going to beg after him forever!

I feel for you, NM!!!

[newmama]

Thanks WN! I have reservations about visiting stbxh's grandma and other side of the family....will need to think about this more. Seems odd since we are getting divorced! Shouldn't stbxh be the one to take S to see his own family?

Yes, stbxh had a sham apartment! How did you know? I mean I knew he was renting an apartment 15 minutes away..but I also KNOW stbxh! He is one to spend every minute with his "lover" whether that was his ex wife, me, or the trampy ho.

I know who Joni Mitchell is! "You're so vain...." And the song you reference was redone by Counting Crows and Michelle Branch (oops- I think that is her name) for the movie "2 Weeks Notice" with Sandra Bullock. Anyway, that song has floated in my head for the last 2 years because of "you don't know what you got until it's gone" and then this part " a big yellow taxi took my girl away..." At first it was me- I felt heavy, intense guilt for taking stbxh for granted...there were times when things were not all rainbows and butterflies, just blah...and I remember thinking "do I love him?" so I felt immense guilt for thinking that, for working long hours, for not talking to him about my needs. And then he develops this attraction to OW and I think "I did this to myself. I lost him! I took him for granted! I didn't know how much I love and need him until another woman tried to take him!" The yellow taxi was OW.

Now I hear the song and think stbxh will be feeling that about me. My yellow taxi hasn't arrived yet.

You make a good point about teenagers. I admit, though, that I never understood them and am afraid of that period in my S' life. But I intend to prepare for it. SO your suggestion of how to get through to teenagers is VERY HELPFUL. I 100% believe stbxh is acting like one. Thank you! I need to absorb what you said and think about how to apply it.

[newmama]

CW you are right that I can drag this out. I feel like maybe I should have waited to sign up for the custody class because that HAS to be done in order for the divorce to be granted.


But let's look at whether me postponing the class matters.
So I take it and am done by August. The divorce still isn't final until October. Theoretically, it doesn't matter that I took the class because 3 months from not, stbxh will see big problems in reality land with OW. So is it logical that if he regrets his decision at that time that he would say "oh well. We already took the class so it means I have to go through with the divorce."??

But if I just reschedule or not take it by October 14, we couldn't be divorced. I would have to pay the $250 to take it later. But heck- who cares if it helps us to stay married? Will it add more conflict to the A if I stall on the D? And will this conflict help the A to end or bring them closer together???

I hope this isn't too convoluted! I am just trying to analyze both paths! Am I making sense?