Looking for help with WAW

[mza8]

Sandi, thank you for checking in. I was hoping you were still following. I have been getting great advice. I agree with the advice Gucci has been giving me and I'm following it.

It doesn't seem like the DBing is having any effect...or is it?

What part isn't working? Are you divorced yet?

Well...no. I wonder though if she's just waiting her mandatory year before she starts up the D talk again?

Sure, if I didn't change then I could understand it but I believe I have become everything and more of what W wanted from me in our M.

Secretly you have worked at changing, hoping to win her back. When a person does that, and doesn't get the spouse back, then it leaves them feeling "lost". The purpose was not to win her back......it was to make you into a wonderful human being. But with every action you have wanted her to notice, and to be impressed.

Yes and no...I know there were things I needed to change no matter what. I needed to get help with my depression, I needed to get a job. I have made personal growth changes too. I think what I would like my W to see is that I'm also trying to be a man who understands her, a man who listens, a man who shows strength, a man who loves her and shows it by actions.

If there was OM then I could understand it.

Now let me tell you something.......and I think I read a post or two from a couple of other men suggesting it might be easier if there was OM! SHAME ON ALL OF YOU WHO THINK THAT! You think you are hurting now? You don't know hurt until your loved one has chosen another man to be physically or emotionally intimate with, instead of you. You do not want that! You think 8 1/2 months of her not talking about the MR is not right? Try throwing in infidelity and see what happens.

Sandi, please know I wasn't making light of the situation of those dealing with infidelity. I meant no disrespect. I guess I was just trying to find logic in an illogical situation. I do hurt and it feels awful at times but I have no idea of the hurt those dealing with infidelity are dealing with and I'm so sorry they are going through it.

Could her resentment, anger, hurt feelings, still be so strong at this time?

YES! I have known women who went through the rest of their lives feeling all of those things.

Thank you, it helps to know that she could still have these strong feelings.

What should I do? Continue to wait and give her more time or reach out to her?

Follow the advice Guicci gave you.

I am. I agree with Gucci too

What would you have wanted at this point in your sitch? Would you have wanted your H to sincerely apologize or would it have not made any difference in your mind at the time?

I would have to guess at what I would have wanted, since I was not S from my H and my stitch was different. Based on what I've learned about human nature, I'd say I would have wanted him to have left me alone.

In my personal stitch, I would have appreciated an apology from him for the things he did that had caused major resentments over the years. But all he could focus on was my EA and he said he had done nothing wrong. He was expecting an apology from me. But that was my stitch.....not yours.

If I understand you, you are talking about sending her a letter of apology, right? Based on your statements about not knowing what to do next, I'm thinking that you are seeing a letter of apology as a strategy. Maybe not, but most everything you've done was trying to get her to come around.

I understand that you are frustrated, really I do. It may be two or three years before she'll want to talk to you. She may never give you the answer you are looking for. I know these months has been like eternity to you, but it really has not been that long when compared to a lifetime. I believe you had some very important relationship lessons to learn and frankly, I am not convinced they are permantly set. If your W came back today, I'd dare say you would be right back into your old habits in 6 wks. It's too easy to let that happen and you've not had enough "practice" time. Look at Soccer. How much does the team have to practice before they are ready for the real game? You've not really been tested yet. The real test will come when or if she does decide to tell you what the problems were.

This helps, thank you Sandi. Yes, I was thinking of sending her a letter of apology. I thought that maybe she needed to hear this from me. About falling back to old ways...maybe I need more time but I can't imagine allowing myself to ever fall back into what brought me here in the first place. I wish my W would test me...give me that opportunity.

This is still hard, I'll be honest. I have good days and bad. I guess I haven't completely detached. However, to me, detachment seems to be talked about like it's a bad thing to still feel for your spouse. I want to have those feelings for my spouse, I don't want to turn them off. I just can't wrap my head around why a LBS has to let go of those feelings? Maybe that's my problem. I still love my W more than anything. I am proud of myself that I haven't fallen back into depression and instead I have charged ahead making many positive changes.

Thanks again Sandi, it's good to hear from you.