Still trying to find my way

[newmama]

I am going to write to H this weekend. But I won't send it. I'll hang onto the letter and if there comes a time I feel I need to send it to help me get some closure, then I will. But right now I'm too raw, too vulnerable to open myself up like that to him. Because I know all he'll do is say he's sorry and what is that going to do for me? I'll just want to tell him if he's sorry then he needs to show it, just saying it doesn't help. He needs to leave her and come back to me like he was going to do two months ago.

First, very smart to know you are too vulnerable right now and writing the letter but not sending it is a wise decision.

Second, yeah him saying "I'm sorry" but then doing nothing about it is just infuriating and gives you nothing back for your efforts.

I wonder, too, about whether the cheating spouses know the door is open for R. (I mean for those of us who want to). The downside to "not discussing the relationshop" and "not pleading, begging, pursuing" is that it makes it hard to bring up reconciliation. At the same time, there will come a time when the discussion is appropriate. Like if your H (or you) files for D, that might be a good time to discuss what is going on and what you want. right?????

get caught up on your sleep this weekend...I do that once per week as well. Sleep is amazing for PMA and perspective!

[Mystik]

NM, I agree that it's hard to let them know the door is open when you are minimal communication. I guess the only time would be when they initiate a relationship talk.

Probably going to bed soon, I am drained from being so emotional today.

[Mystik]

Slept for about 9 and a half hours last night, feeling a bit better. Now the day looms long before me.

Had some dreams about H, though. It seems whenever I dream of him I wake up somber.

In the first dream I was babysitting H and OW's daughter, and in the bedroom were two twin beds with a space on the floor between them. Since I didn't have a crib I put the baby on a blanket on teh floor to sleep for the night then got into one of the beds. I reached out towards the other bed and H appeared there, I took his hand and could feel it warm and strong in mine. Then he disappeared. So I reached out again and H reappeared, leaning across the space to kiss me hungrily and then he disappeared again.

In the second dream I dreamt that it was Christmas Eve and H had brought OW to my family's house for the evening. They were sitting on the couch talking about how they were having twins, a boy and a girl and everyone just adored OW. Meanwhile I was in teh kitchen having a fit. I called my brother's girlfriend into the laundry room to ask her if it was ok for me to hate OW and she didn't have an answer for me. She liked OW so much she couldn't see how anyone could hate her.

So yeah, not feeling too much PMA this morning.

[Mystik]

Been up for three hours and already it feels like I've been up forever. Missing H and DS desperately, want to text or call but I'm restraining myself. I hope that there aren't an endless number of years filled with weekends like this to look forward to.

[Vulcanized]

Been up for three hours and already it feels like I've been up forever. Missing H and DS desperately, want to text or call but I'm restraining myself. I hope that there aren't an endless number of years filled with weekends like this to look forward to.

Only if you choose to make it that way, Mystik. I hope you are doing something good for yourself today.

(((hugs)))

[newmama]

Mystik, those were interesting dreams! The first about the separate beds and having your H reach across for you....from the other bed! The twin beds must have represented you and OW!

But then the second dream- you also had a reference to "twins" in regard to OW being pregnant with twins. I actually laughed, though, when I read that everyone loved OW and that your brother's girlfriend couldn't tell you it was ok to hate her! I laughed because that is extremely unlikely! She will always have an invisible scarlet A in the eyes of your friends and family.
Now, they may be excited about the baby once she is born, and that has to be sooooooo hard for you. But the baby is innocent.

If my stbxh gets OW pregnant, and they have a baby, I will not ever talk about the baby or look at it or anything, but S will talk about it just like your son is. It would drive anyone crazy! And make anyone depressed! You will get through this, though.

Oh and the dreams might be a little enhanced by your anti-d's. I know when I took zoloft I had vivid dreams every night!

[Mystik]

Spent most of today watching movies, worked on a puzzle for a bit. Went to the bookstore, but wasn't in the mood for shopping.

[newmama]

Oh and the aching and longing for your son. I still get this and have been dealing with overnights for 6 months. It's called being a mom. But I don't long for stbxh anymore because I am too disgusted by him! at this time! It took me over a year to get angry at him, though, so you might not be there yet.

Now, when I miss S terribly, I just distract myself to block it out.

[Mystik]

NewMama, I never thought about the twin beds representing me and OW! Interesting analogy. Like you, I have no intention to ever lay eyes on that child, I realize it is innocent but it is still a reminder of H's betrayal of our marriage vows. And yes, DS I know will talk about the child and that is going to hurt me so badly. I think I'm still in denial about this whole baby issue.

As for blocking things out, still working on that. I have traits of OCD as well. I'm a psychologist's dream! OCD, depression, co-dependency.

[Mystik]

All my instincts are screaming at me to call H, though I have no idea what to say to him. I think next weekend when his whole family is in the area, if I'm still feeling the urge so desperately to chat with SIL, I might give in and do it. Which is the lesser of two evils? Not knowing and my imagination running wild with what's going on in H's head, or asking his sister that he is close to and getting an idea of what is in his head?

Been praying steadily for strength, patience and wisdom on how to proceed in this situation. It just feels like so soon H will wake up from his fog.